


3086 Lost

by Oh_Hey_Its



Series: 3086 [2]
Category: Tegan and Sara (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, F/F, dystopian au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2017-01-16
Packaged: 2018-05-28 14:25:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 36
Words: 48,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6332659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oh_Hey_Its/pseuds/Oh_Hey_Its
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She wishes she could remember the stories behind the ink covering her arms, the piercing below her lip, the girl in her dreams.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just something new I've been working on while Quinfic has been down. Let me know what you guys think and if you'd be interested in me uploading some of my old stuff onto ao3. Thanks!

_Her brown eyes stare, her jaw sharp, ends of her hair dancing softly in the wind. She reaches out, her fingers grasping what they can no longer hold._

 

“Captain 3086! Hey 3086! Wake up!”

A young woman’s eyes flutter open wide and panicked as she jolts to consciousness, nearly hitting the man standing over her in the process.

“Jesus Captain… relax will you?” He grumbles, walking a few steps back and returning back to his own squeaky cot. 3086 just sighs, rubbing her throbbing temples, thin blanket pooling in her lap, as she tries desperately to remember what had been retrieved of her mangled memories of the Before this time. Yet once again, even recalling what she has just seen only seconds ago manages to elude her, and she is forced to reassure herself that it doesn’t matter anyway. Her memories of the Now are all that should matter. Whoever she was in the Before is gone. It’s 3086 now.

 

She knows she had a life in the Before, but the Supreme Government took all of that away when they claimed her, capturing her memories and twisting them until they no longer fit together to form what once was. Only glimpses of her life before the Now remain, revealing themselves in sporadic jolts of thought. They torture her, taunting her with knowledge she longs to have. She wishes she could remember the stories behind the ink covering her arms, the piercing below her lip, the girl in her dreams.

 

If she told the Supreme Government about her problem they would terminate her. She is expendable, a tool to be used then discarded once it ceases to fulfill its purpose. Her status as Captain 3086, no longer merely 3086, was simply the result of her dogged compliance, of her supposed loyalty to the Supreme Government. If they knew what she was hiding, deep within the recesses of her skull, her essence would be destroyed, the empty shell of her body thrown into the fire that engulfed the outsiders who didn’t belong.

The Outsiders… the people she’d sworn to protect the Supreme Government against. They were the cause of all of the problems within the city, posters depicting them as monsters with burning red eyes and grotesque bodies turned in unnatural ways made the Dwellers feel scared. It was a good thing the Supreme Government took us, our parents, our grandparents, from the outside she often hears them say. Good thing the Supreme Government believed we could all change. Good thing I’m no longer a them, but an us.

 

 

The roaring of the engine beneath her feet rattles the metal floor of the dark shuttle. Captain 3086 stares impassively down the row of men and women, studying them in the dim lighting as it reflects off of their helmets. These are the soldiers the Supreme Government has ordered her to lead on a raid against the Outsiders, just as she has done for the past six years. Ever since the Before became the Now, this is all she has known. She’d woken up a trained killer.

 

_Brown hair. Dancing eyes. Eyebrow raised. Sweet laughter._

 

3086 closes her eyes tightly, shaking her head side to side. The memories. The girl.

The light above her head turns on, red light filtering though the glass protecting the florescent bulb and bathing everything in a heavy crimson glow. She stands up, firmly grasping the support above her head with one hand as the shuttle jolts and her body swings forward and back.

“Prepare to jump.” She yells into her helmet’s radio, watching as her Raiders stand, clicking the safeties off of the rifles hanging from slings across their chests and checking the equipment scattered throughout their black uniform armor. The Supreme Government’s crest, a roaring male lion with the words “Propter Multitudinem Omnium” (For the Greatness of All) beneath it stares authoritatively from blood red bands wrapping around each raider’s upper right arm. 3086 glances down at her own briefly as the light above turns to from red to yellow.

“Geeeeet ready!” She bellows. The Raiders turn as one towards the back of the shuttle, ramp at the end lowering to flashing lights and the sounds of gunfire below. The light flickers before turning neon green, staining eyes as the call of“Jump! Jump! Jump!” echoes through their ears.

One by one they jog in two lines, boots thudding against steel, and drop into the cool dark sky. There is no moon, no stars tonight. Captain 3086 is always the last to leave, jumping into the night without so much as a glance backwards into the shuddering aircraft. This is protocol, the way they are taught to execute everything. The leadership, although expendable, is worth more to the Supreme Government than the average Raider. She doesn’t think she is better than the rest but she obeys the order anyway.

It’s all she knows Now.

 

Bullets wiz past her head as she lands, knees bending upon impact with the ground, parachute dragging uselessly behind her. Pulling a long serrated knife from its sheath in her boot, she wastes no time in cutting the straps from her body before pulling her gun up to her shoulder and looking around. The sounds of screams and the rapid fire barks of automatic rifles curl in her ears as she advances forward, chatter periodically interrupted with bouts of static filling up her radio.

The town they’re attacking is on the smaller side, mainly agricultural judging by the long furrowed field she’s landed in. Winter is fast approaching, any crops that the Outsiders might have been growing having already been harvested. Several cabins can be seen, a massive fire licking the sky as it consumes one. She steps over several bodies too charred to identify as Raider or Outsider, finger resting on the trigger of her gun.

3086 hasn’t seen the Outsider’s put up this much of a fight in a long time. They obviously knew that her and her fellow Raiders were coming. The Supreme Government will be livid to know a spy is amongst their ranks, merciless in its persecution of this traitor. She shivers at the mere thought of his fate.

 

What was supposed to be a simple shoot’em up and scare’em before returning to the Dwelling has rapidly turned into a gruesome fight to the death. They are losing, she knows this. The Outsider’s are too strong, with weaponry that rivals that of her and the other Raider’s own. She ducks behind trees and through dark places, picking them off when she can, deep down knowing her efforts are futile. She’s heard the gargling screams of nearly all of her Raiders through her radio as they met their end. She doesn’t have her helmet anymore but she knows that there can’t be many still able to fight.

A bullet strikes 3086 in the knee and she falls, bone shattering as her rifle sails from her hands and her face lands in the dirt. Grabbing her knife she stands up unsteadily, leaning against the splintery wall of the cabin next to her and waits. The shooter peeks around the corner cautiously, his eyes darting carefully around. He sees her gun lying in the dirt but seems to fail to notice the figure in the shadows behind it.

Blood pours from her wound as it throbs in time with her pulse. She clenches her teeth to avoid crying out and giving away her position, body shaking with exertion. The Outsider walks forward before kneeling down to examine the pool of blood she left behind.

Raider Captain 3086 leaps from hiding.

 

Although a gifted fighter, 3086 knows she’s outgunned the moment she strikes. The Outsider turns rapidly to meet her assault, breaking the wrist she is holding the knife in before shoving her prone on the ground. He knew she was there the entire time, and 3086 is already weak from blood loss. This fight was very much a one sided embarrassment.

She can feel a mixture of mud and grit enter her wound as the Outsider pins her arms behind her back, gripping her broken bones unmercifully as he ties each wrist together with a strip of coarse rope. This time she can’t help but let out a cry of agony as she feels her freshly snapped bones tear through her pale skin. The Outsider laughs, dragging her past the bodies of fallen Raiders and Outsiders alike to what seems to be the outskirts of their town. Her fight is over. She has failed.

 

She sits in the dirt briefly as he attaches her bonds to a post and forces her into a standing position where she sags, chin meeting her chest in exhaustion. More Outsiders gather to watch as he digs a finger into her open wound and she screams, straining against her restraints, her face twisting in agony.

Captain 3086 can see strips of muscle hanging from her now gaping leg wound, pants and boot utterly soaked in hot crimson. She feels light-headed as the tortuous beating continues, others joining in. One takes a knife and thrusts it deep beneath her rib cage. She can feel it scrape against bone, thinking of nothing but the pain as it radiates throughout her body. Another brings his fist to connect with her gut, leaving her gasping and wheezing desperately for air.

A voice squawks from a radio attached to an Outsider’s shoulder and as suddenly as the onslaught begins it stops. He calls to his friends and they step away, leaving her to bleed as they laughing and joke, making their way slowly back towards their camp.

 

Soon nothing but the subtle sounds of the trees brushing against one another in the breeze and her own shallow ragged breathing fills her ears. She is alone.

 

_“Sara!” The girl looks up, smile gracing her features._

 

“Sara.” The voice that leaves Captain 3086’s bloody lips is slurred and broken. “Sara.”

She calls the name into the night as it grows longer, shivering deliriously as her eyes roll in her head, sweat beading along her quivering brow.

The Supreme Government will terminate her if she survives this ordeal, which she knows deep down that she won’t. Her leg has grown numb, cooling air biting at her flaming skin. She is going to die a nameless number. 3086. Begging for a woman she once knew, forgotten and alone.

 

3086 hears footsteps as the sun begins to rise. It must be the end. A bloody smile graces her swollen face at the thought. She is ready to welcome anything that will make the pain cease. Her mind is scrambled, fever and agony muddling her thoughts to the point of incomprehensibility.

She is whimpering, cringing as they approach. Someone gasps. The footsteps stop.

“Sara.” 3086 moans, eyes glazed over, blood crusting her face.

Her eyelids droop as she looks up, strength nearly gone. The name falls from her lips as she looks up and her bloodshot eyes connect with ones that seem so oddly familiar.

“Tegan…” A voice says softly in shock. “Oh my god. What have they done…”

“Sara!” 3086 calls out, desperate.

“I’m here.” The same voice, a gentle hand on her jaw. The memory, the dream. 3086 looks up at the face that has haunted her since she woke up in the Now as the world falls away and everything turns to black.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter... let me know what you think!

Captain 3086 doesn’t truly wake for five days. The voice, the smooth hand on her jaw, shushes her when she moans and shifts on the cot she is lying in, wiping her face with a cool towel and whispering things she doesn’t understand. She hears other voices too, angry ones, surprised ones. She whimpers as the bandages wrapped around her festering wounds are changed, the cloth sticking to inflamed oozing skin.

On the sixth day when she awakens, her mind somewhat clear, there is no one beside her.

 

The room is starkly furnished, a wooden dresser standing at the end of the cot she is lying in, a painted picture of a mountain tacked to the wall. She looks down to find that whoever took her also removed her uniform, leaving her in a loose fitting white cotton t-shirt and sweatpants. She finds it strange that both items of clothing are exactly her size.

The rickety wooden chair that is pulled up to her bedside is empty, a towel left in a bowl of water and rolls of bandages left on the bedside table. She tries to sit up, freezing as waves of fire to erupt within her chest and abdomen. She groans, panting. 

Footsteps. Captain 3086 looks warily at the door as girl’s face appears. But her eyes are different, she is not the same as the Spectre in her dreams. She is too young, maybe fourteen or fifteen. She takes one look at 3086 and disappears with a loud call of “Mom!”

It doesn’t take long for another set of footsteps, these ones slightly heavier and more measured, to approach. They stop, she hears someone take a deep breath, and then the eyes that she can’t help but remember meet hers.

They stare at each other for a long moment before the woman steps inside and walks over, sitting down carefully in chair beside 3086’s bed.

“I’m glad to see you’re finally awake.” The Spectre says, sounding strained. The lines in her face deepen as 3086 cocks her head to the side.

“Who are you?”

Something akin to shock registers across the woman’s features, before settling into acceptance, her mouth forming a thin line. “My name is Sara.”

3086 allows the name to tumble through her scattered thoughts for a moment. Sara… the same name, the same eyes. “You are from the Before.” She says simply, stating a fact.

The woman’s, Sara’s, eyebrows raise. “What do you mean?”

“The Before… the place preceding the Now.” 3086 states matter of factly, as though she expects everyone to understand her strange reasoning. “You never seemed to let me sleep in the barracks.” 

Sara’s brow creases, confusing written across her face. “Can you tell me your name?”

“Raider Captain 3086… or at least I was. I-”

“Sara?” Another voice, this one male. 3086 can’t help but flinch as he appears in the doorway. He sees her awake, eyes clear, and stops. “Oh… uh she’s awake… um.”

“It’s okay Ted.” Sara says softly, her eyes sad.

Ted’s eyes flick between the two women. “Does she remember anything?”

“Sara. I know her I think. She used to live in my head at night while I was trying to rest. And before raids sometimes…” 3086 trails off, staring awkwardly at the two distraught faces in front of her.

“Where is the Raider?” Another voice. 3086 recognizes this one. It’s the man who shot her, who dragged her and strung her up. Her eyes widen and she looks to Sara and Ted nervously.

“Ah there it is… and it has finally decided to wake! How exciting! Jacob grab it.” 

Before 3086 can register what is going on there are two men in the room, one grabbing her roughly and pulling her from the bed. She screams as her raw wounds reopen at the unexpected movement, blood spreading beneath the white cotton bandages covering her torso and right leg. Her world dims. Faintly, she hears Sara yell.

The agony fades as darkness fills her vision.

_“You are such a dork!” The woman, no… Sara, calls out. 3086 laughs, wiping her paint covered hands on her already splattered jeans._

_“But you love it don’t you?” She asks. Sara grins, picking up a piece of paper from the desk in front of her. It is a painting, a mountain in watercolor._

_“How about we put it in the spare room?”_

3086 returns to consciousness slowly, her brain foggy with remembrance as her eyes meet the same painting on the wall. Voices filter through her ears and land in her muddled brain. She focuses, trying to decipher the words they’re speaking.

“Sara you’re lucky Scott let you off this time… and that was only because he’s got a massive crush on you. You’re on thin ice here.”

“You think I don’t know that? Please… I thought that you of all people would understand. I can’t let them take her and hurt her any more than they already have. None of this is her fault. She shouldn’t be punished for my mistakes.”

“Sara no… don’t start this again please.”

“And why not? It’s the truth. She sacrificed herself for me and Ryan six fucking years ago and look how she ended up! A pawn for those sick freaks in the dwelling! I can’t stand to see her like this… I just… I can’t!” 3086 can hear Sara’s voice break as a muffled sob breaks from her mouth. She hates herself for making someone so beautiful cry. She strains to keep listening, wanting to learn more about this Tegan person, but the darkness encroaches, their voices falling on deafening ears.

 

“Please… please Scott don’t do this. Tegan is in there somewhere I know it… just… please.” 3086’s eyes shoot open, immediately finding Sara in the doorway. The two men who tried to take her have returned.

There are tears tracking silently down Sara’s face as she begs. The man who hurt 3086 before stands, attempting to console her as she pushes him away angrily, the other advancing towards 3086, his face set in a grim line.

“Get up!” He says gruffly. Captain 3086 tries, freezing as her body erupts in flame once more. She groans, face twisting. The second man doesn’t care. She lets out a muffled cry as he takes her into his meaty hands and forces her weak body into a standing position.

“Be careful with her!” Sara yells frantically as 3086’s knee buckles. She wants to tell Sara not to worry but she’s not sure how. If she was at full strength with her captain’s armor on she could easily take both of these men. They’re lucky that she’s wounded, she tells herself, imagining the feeling of their bones breaking under her grip. The images make her smile. 

Sara doesn’t meet her eyes as Raider Captain 3086 is dragged away, broken and defeated.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone leaving comments and kudos! When you guys let me know what you think it motivates me to write quicker ;)

Raider Captain 3086 isn’t quite sure how long she stays locked in the dark. Time seems to have no meaning when there is no sun, only stone and corrugated metal rusty to the point of uselessness, water dripping steadily from the ceiling leaving the dirt floor muddy and cold.

Her chest whistles when she breathes, sore leg and chest throbbing dully. There is no will to live down here, nothing to fight for in the dark.

 

 

 

  
_3086’s winces slightly as her hand is crushed in a white knuckled grip_ , _Sara’s face sweaty and pulled in obvious discomfort as she cries out, falling back against white sheets. A baby’s screams fill the room, 3086 looking in wonder at the child’s tiny flailing body as a man places her on Sara’s heaving chest._  


 

 

 

Gasping, she returns, the image of the child flashing through her mind. These bits and pieces make her head hurt. She wishes Sara was here, wishes she could remember what all of this means, what it meant to her in the moment. Instead, she sits, half propped up against the grimy wall, alone.

 

 

The sound of clanking metal rouses her from the lethargic half-sleep she’d fallen into. A hooded figure appears, flashlight shining brightly in her face.

“Hey uh… Teg- um.” They stutter. It’s a man’s voice, recognizable as the soft tones of the man Sara called Ted.

Finally, he stops his unintelligible muttering with a simple “Can you stand?”

3086 doesn’t reply, wounded knee protesting as she forces herself up and leans heavily against the wall. Ted walks forward, wrapping his arm around the unbandaged part of her waist. She takes his help, pride wounded and smarting, and allows him to lead her from the depths.

 

 

The night is cool as they emerge, Ted anxiously looking around warily and increasing their pace, much to 3086’s chagrin. Only the wind rustling the trees and the sounds of two pairs of feet stumbling through the grass cut through the unnerving silence enveloping the earth around them, the damage from the raid 3086 led just visible in the pale moonlight radiating from above. She shivers, still clad in the shirt and sweats she woke up in after the attack. After awhile Ted seems to pity her, pulling his cloak from his much burlier frame and wrapping it around her frail shaking shoulders. She thanks him quietly, voice rough with misuse. He nods, and they trudge on.

She doesn’t question where they are going. If she is being led to die, so be it. She has nothing now but a few foggy memories lingering in her consciousness just out of reach. The Outsiders hate her, the Supreme Government will terminate her.

She has nothing, is nothing. Why should she care anymore?

 

 

The answer is waiting for her in a clearing a short ways from the town’s center. She is standing, holding the reins of two horses, a smaller figure holding a third. 3086 feels a strange sense of relief to see her again as Sara rushes over and takes her other side before easing her to the ground. Letting out a long puff of air as the weight is taken off of her leg, she winces as the cool ground comes into contact with flaming skin. Sara looks down, brow creased in worry.

“You’re okay from here right?” Ted asks, stepping from foot to foot nervously.

Sara glances up, pulling the man into a hug. “Yes… we are going to the bunker. I’ll contact you when we get settled alright?”

Kissing the top of Sara’s head softly, Ted whispers something in her ear and disappears back into the dark towards their town and camp. 3086 can’t help but feel a wave of jealousy crash through her at the intimacy she just witnessed between the pair.

 

 

 

_“You’re my sister okay? If not in flesh than in mind and spirit. Nothing will ever change that dude… you’re stuck with me for life.” He says, pulling her in for a hug._

 

 

 

“Tegan?” Sara’s questioning voice breaks 3086 out of her stupor. Tegan? Who’s Tegan? She wonders, opening her eyes to find Sara crouching in front of her, the smaller figure approaching behind.

3086 stares at the pair blearily, feeling her eyes start to become heavy as she sways slightly from her position on the ground.

“Shit don’t pass out yet we need to get you on a horse first!”

Sara’s sounds as though she’s speaking from the shore and 3086 is submerged deep within the ocean’s waves, staring at the beautiful woman tapping her cheek with a dreamy smile smothering her face.

“Mom?”

The girl from earlier, her voice laden with fear. 3086 feels a sudden urge to protect her, to reassure her with promises that she is okay. Instead, she passes out to the sound of water meeting sand, the sun warming her burning cheeks.

 

 

 

_“What did I do to deserve someone like you?” Sara whispers, cheek to 3086’s naked chest, soft fingers brushing against her jaw._

_3086 leans down, her lips pressing against the other woman’s tenderly in reply._

 

 

 

“Quick heat up some water and stoke that fire… we need to clean this out and cauterize it before it gets any worse!”

“But mom what if-“

“Ryan I need you to be brave for me now alright? You’re fourteen, you’ve been visiting a lot of patients with me lately I know you can handle this.”

3086 pants, something warm trickling from her mouth. Soft fingers, so familiar, brush softly against the underside of her jaw in a way that seems almost routine, a surefire way to calm her panic and confusion. “Its okay Teegs… I’ve got you.”

This calms her somewhat, and she moans Sara’s name. Gentle shushes reply, cool cloth patting her forehead.

“Is it ready?” The hands leave as the question is asked.

“Y-Yes.”

“I’m sorry.” A whisper, breath tickling her ear.

Pain, worse than anything she’s experienced yet, digs its barbed claws deep into her chest.She screams and screams, back arching, hands scrambling desperately for purchase. And yet as soon as it begins it ends, quickly replaced by soothing noises and a cool body, 3086 curling into it desperately, whimpering, scared.

“Mom?” The young girl asks, obvious tremble to her tone.

“It’s okay Ryan. She’s going to be okay.”

3086 drifts away as Sara and the smaller girl speak, soothed by the sound of a steadily beating heart and warmed by a sensation she can’t recall.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!

_Sara’s panicked hand grips 3086’s jacket tightly, the other on her neck as she wheezes desperately, eyes wide with fear. 3086’s hands are shaking around the inhaler she places in the other woman’s mouth, dispensing the medication down her spasming throat._

_“It’s okay.” She murmurs as Sara sags against her chest, panting as she begins to catch her breath._

She is lying in a cot, not unlike the one she slept in for years in the barracks, the room softly lit. There are bookshelves lining every wall, a desk at the far end of the room pushed away to the side with a fire burning in a stone fireplace beside it. It seems almost… homey, vaguely familiar.

 

_“You found this place and rebuilt it without me knowing?”_

_“Yup! So uh… what do you think?”_

_Hands clasping together behind her neck, a soft kiss administered to slightly chapped lips._

_“I absolutely love it.” A soft breath whispers in her ear._

A noise at the doorway draws 3086 from yet another fragment of her life, the smaller girl Ryan appearing. She stops in the doorway when she notices 3086’s alertness, eyes flickering. She’s wearing jeans and an oversized t-shirt, stripped socks covering her curling toes. 3086 decides to take the initiative.

“I’m not going to hurt you.”

Ryan continues to stare, as though searching for something. 3086 shifts uncomfortably, wincing as her slowly healing wounds make themselves known.

“Who are you?” Ryan’s question stops 3086 in her tracks.

Who is she? What is she? She knows that she must have know these people Before, the flashbacks and their obvious caring for her wellbeing hammers that point home, but what is she to them?

The image of Sara’s sweaty face, the screaming child being laid on her chest as 3086 stood beside the bed returns. She wants to believe, but she can’t be sure. She falls back on what she does know for certain.

“My name is Raider Captain 3086. Who are you?”

The girl takes a step into the room, hovering by the wall. “Ryan.”

“That’s a nice name.” 3086 says thoughtfully, watching Ryan’s stiff posture relax somewhat. “Can you tell me where we are right now?”

“Mom said I’m not supposed to talk with you at all.” The girl says, suddenly looking doubtful.

“Is your mom Sara?”

“Yes.”

“Where is she?”

Ryan glances to the door and back. “She’s gone to meet Ted and Emy up in the woods, they’re bringing us more supplies.”

Any reply 3086 might have managed to conjure in the hopes of further figuring her situation is interrupted by the sound of raised voices and the clanging what sounds to be a very heavy door.

“Emy she was unconscious when I left I highly doubt-“ Sara’s voice and the sound of several footsteps echo and get steadily louder before stopping midsentence as they pass the doorway. Ryan glances back at her mother nervously.

“Mom-“

“Ryan go up to our room.” Sara interrupts sternly, looking upset. Ryan takes one last glance at 3086 before disappearing out into the hall without another word.

“See Sare I told you she’d be up.” An unfamiliar voice jeers from out of sight. 3086 strains to recognize it, failing miserably.

Sara’s features twist, head turning to meet the woman as she enters the room, Ted trailing behind.

“What up Teegles?” The woman, Emy, asks. 3086 stares at her, confused.

Sara sighs, rubbing her eyes tiredly. “Emy for the last fucking time they wiped her memory. She doesn’t know who anyone is anymore alright?”

“But she knows who you are.” Ted interjects.

3086 perks up. “Oh yeah I know Sara. She hasn’t left my head since the Before was erased.”

Emy stares at her, intrigued. “What do you mean?”

“I uh… I mean like sometimes I see things that I think are from the Before. Not you guys… well maybe Ted once, but Sara for sure.”

The entire room falls into a thoughtful silence at her words. 3086 shifts uncomfortably, hissing as her chest and leg twinge. Sara looks worn and run down, fingers running through her short hair.

“Now is not the time for this… Teg- 3086 needs rest now and you guys need to get back to camp before Scott suspects anything. You can come back in another couple of days if you want to.”

“Sare are you sure she’s not going to like, try and kill you or something? I mean who the fuck knows what they messed up when they did all of this to her head.” Emy says, gesturing to 3086, who frowns.

“I would never hurt her.”

Emy looks like she’s going to argue but Ted pulls her back out of the room. “Stay safe Sara!” He calls over his shoulder, dragging his friend behind him. 3086 breathes a sigh of relief as she hears the door close shut with a bang behind them.

“Sara I-“

“Not now… please.” Sara mutters, leaving the room silently, eyes wet.

 

_3086 wipes Sara’s tears from her cheek, softly caressing her face._

_“I am so sorry.”_

_Sara looks up, unobstructed fury pouring from her features as she shoves 3086 away angrily. “No don’t you dare… you’re the one that fucking did this!”_

_3086 is startled, taking a step back and holding out her hands in defeat. “Sara please you have to understand-“_

_“Understand what? That you got an innocent person killed? My best friend is dead now do you understand me? Stacy is gone because of you can't seem to control yourself around that shit! I can smell it all over you even now.” Sara spits, before turning on her heel and storming away._

_3086 doesn’t make any move to wipe away the tears dripping from her eyes as she watches the other woman disappear. Sara is right. She failed everyone today._

_Never again. She makes a promise to herself as she stands there, alone on the porch, to never touch another drop of alcohol. She’s going to win Sara back, become a better version of herself._

_This is only the beginning._


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter! Let me know what you think :)

Sara’s rejection digs into 3086’s chest like knife, burrowing deep between her vital organs and filtering into her bloodstream. She wishes she had a drink, something strong and concentrated preferably. Getting drunk was desensitizing, always just enough to stay sane when surrounded by the uniformity and unadulterated love for the Supreme Government that exuded from everyone within the Dwelling, especially amongst the Raiders.

Her superiors had turned a blind eye to her obvious alcoholism, and she in turn ignored the times when her female Raiders came back from private meetings with the leadership sporting torn clothing and a heavy limp, defeated looks on their bruised faces, or when her new recruits were “initiated” with violence that often ended in crippling injuries and fear.

  
Fear of her for doing nothing. Fear of the Supreme Government for washing their lives clean and sticking them in the barracks armed with training they had never actually undergone. Fear of their comrades for brutally assaulting them on their first night. The whole ideology of the Dwelling was built on fear, something she had known for a long, painful time. She has the scars to prove it.

Her back is a prime example. In the early days she tried to fight back, though she wasn’t sure why. It was like an instinct, an urge, to prove to the Supreme Government that they didn’t truly win. She was going to find herself, regain her memories somehow. She’s not sure if it was lucky or not when they decided that corrective measures were appropriate over immediate termination.

She can remember the room clearly: the musk of unwashed concrete, the single bare bulb swinging from the ceiling. They’d tied her to a post, not unlike the one the man called Scott had tied her to after being captured, but for this her back was facing outwards not against the pole. She remembers how one took a knife and sliced the back of her regulation t-shirt open, the goosebumps rising on her bare back as the cold imperviousness of the room assaulted her skin. Then, the part she has tried so hard to forget but never truly will.

  
The whip hit her over and over, barbs lacing her back with long cuts that dripped hot blood onto the floor. She never screamed, never gave them the satisfaction of making a sound. They’d dressed the wounds with rough hands when they were done, returning her to the barracks as an example.

She didn’t try to fight back again. They’d won.

 

“3086?”

The question yanks 3086 from that particular nightmare. She looks up, finding Sara in the doorway, a plate in her hand.

“Are you hungry?” Sara asks, tears dried and gone. 3086 nods shortly, unsure how to respond in a way that won’t upset the other woman again.

The plate is warm as it is set in her lap, steam rising slowly from each pile of meat and vegetables. Everything is separated, not one type of food brushing the other. 3086 wants to ask Sara how she knew that she prefers to eat her meals in such a strange manner. Instead, she watches the woman in question settle with a sigh onto the chair beside her bed and lean back, watching her intently.

3086 wastes no time, shoveling bite after bite into her mouth. She realizes that she probably hasn’t had anything substantial since preparing for that last fateful raid in the barracks. This tastes better than the bland colorlessness that had consisted of her diet for the past six years.

“You keep mentioning that you know who I am.” Sara’s voice cuts in softly, uncertainly. “What do you remember?”

3086 chews thoughtfully as she attempts to gather her scattered understanding on the subject. Swallowing, she turns and meets Sara’s murky gaze.

“I see things, more so now that I’ve been around all of the people in your town and camp, memories I think. I see you, I saw Ted briefly, and a little baby.”

Sara’s mouth curls. “Can you describe what you saw to me?”

3086 ponders her response for a moment, her mouth setting into a hard line. “I want to know who I am first before I tell you anything else.”

Sara doesn’t seem fazed by 3086’s demand, raising an eyebrow in response. “Well what do you want to know?”

3086 blurts out the first thing that pops into her head. “My name!”

“Tegan Rain Quin.” Sara replies softly, a wistful look drifting across her face, gone as suddenly as it appears. 3086 chews on her lip, letting the letters roll around in her skull, a strange sense of entitlement growing as she pictures each one of them individually as they pair up to form each word. A speck of dirt drops to fill the gaping hole in her life, a tiny piece filled back in at this first victory, this first acknowledgement of who she was in the Before.

Sara studies her reaction, eyes flicking over her face. “Does that bring back anything else?”

3086 or… Tegan? She’s not sure which name suits her anymore… tries desperately to think. Nothing. No vision, no flashback, no clues. She shakes her head remorsefully, starting to feel something of a headache grow in the back of her skull.

Sara just sighs. “It’s okay.” She whispers, her hand reaching our hesitantly to brush a stray hair from 3086’s face.

3086 disagrees. She can tell that her ignorance is affecting those around her, the people who knew her back when she was herself and not the empty carbon copy they must see now. She is desperate for more, but she feels her body begin to sway in that familiar way as her mind eases towards unconsciousness. Before her lethargic brain can comprehend what is going on the weight of the plate being lifted from her lap, her body sliding down, blankets up to her chin, chest and leg stinging, smooth hands on her brow, darkness.

 

_“You need to run!” 3086 hears herself shout, desperation clear in her shaking voice._

_“There is no way in hell that I’m leaving you Tegan! Please!” Sara replies, her face wet, a little girl bearing a soft resemblance to Ryan at her side clutching tightly onto her hand._

_They are in the woods, the fresh smell of pine needles and recently fallen rain invading her senses. Angry shouts echo through the trees, and 3086 grasps the hard wood of the rifle cradled in her hands in a tighter grip. Sara has a poorly bandaged cut on her arm, her shirt torn up and bloody, a large pistol resting loosely in her other hand._

_“Sara I need you to take Ryan and run. I’ll find you after I get them away from you two and the rest of the people back in town alright? I promise.”_

_Sara opens her mouth to argue but stops herself, mouth flattening into a pale line. Walking forward 3086 pulls her into a warm embrace and a needy kiss that deepens as it ends, leaving both parties wanting more, before kneeling down and opening her arms as the little girl buries her head in the crook of her neck._

_“Be strong kiddo.” 3086 murmurs in her ear._

_Then she is gone, they are gone._

_Separated._

 

_Alone._


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little more Sara + Tegan interaction!

The room is dark when 3086 wakes, her bladder screaming. Pulling her arms back she eases herself up, gritting her teeth as her wounds protest the movement. Toes recoiling as they meet the stone floor, she manages to get herself standing, limping unsteadily to the door and pushing it open on creaking hinges. The hallway outside her doorway is lit by a tiny light plugged into the wall.

_“Tegan?” Sara calls out worriedly._

_“I’m okay!” The other woman replies, laying sprawled on the floor of a familiar looking hall._

_Footsteps, a muffled snort. “Oh babe…” Sara’s voice snickers._

_“It’s dark and I had to pee.” 3086 whines._

_“You always have to pee.”_

The light stains 3086’s tired eyes as she slowly forces her heavy limbs forward, bracing the majority of her weight against the wall.

There is another door farther down. Slowly, she manages to reach it, tips of her fingers brushing the dented metal handle. Any indecision that might have appeared over what is behind it is assuaged as her bladder threatens again, and 3086 pushes open the door before she can think otherwise.

The room is pitch black, the already dim lighting in the hall doing little to illuminate the room. 3086 stumbles inside, hands reaching out desperately, only to be met with the cold barrel of a gun. She feels it pressing against her temple and freezes, letting out a soft shaking breath.

“Don’t fucking move.” The voice is cold, robotic. Unrecognizable.

3086 gulps, her bladder helpfully deciding at this sudden moment that enough is enough. She isn’t sure what is more humiliating: being caught by surprise and at the mercy of some random Outsider or the warmth spreading from her crotch down her right leg, soaking her bandages and causing her bullet wound to sting agonizingly. Her jaw clenches as she desperately tries to stay still and silent as the pain worsens.

“Ryan hit the light.” The voice again. Ryan is here?

The light blinds 3086 as it bleeds though the dusty lampshade surrounding it. She doesn’t dare turn to see who is threatening her, eyes falling shamefully to the floor. She can feel their gazes scrutinizing her ruined sweats, her knee threatening to buckle and fold.

“Tegan?” Suddenly the voice isn’t so scary anymore. It’s been replaced with Sara’s warmth, and 3086’s shoulders sag imperceptibly in relief.

“Jesus Christ what the fuck where you thinking?” Sara demands angrily, the gun moved and resting loosely in her grip. 3086 tenses back up at the sound of such anger in her tone, unsure of how to react, mind echoing backwards to the day she got drunk and Sara’s friend died in some way as a result. She wishes she knew more, the parallels and her craving of liquor haunting.

“I- I uh- um I just ah-“ She can’t seem to think properly, her thoughts lying in a jumbled heap in the back of her skull. She wishes once again that she could just run and hide in some dark corner. She’d give anything to drown this embarrassment in whiskey or a strong beer. She misses the sweet burn of alcohol more than anything else in this moment.

“Shit.” Sara mutters, rubbing the back of her head. “No its okay… sorry about that um… you needed the bathroom I guess.”

3086 nods mutely, watching the other woman drop the revolver with a heavy thunk atop a dresser beside her bed. The sheets are crumpled, the pillows dented into the shape of human heads. Sara and Ryan must be sleeping here. 3086 doesn’t blame Sara for reacting the way she did, she was only protecting her daughter from an unknown threat. 3086 would have reacted in the exact same way.

“I’ll show you to the bathroom.” Sara says, rubbing the sleep from one of her eyes with the palm of her hand.

“I apologize for intruding into your sleeping quarters… that was never my intention.” 3086 says as the other woman wraps an arm around her waist and aids her back into the hall. Ryan doesn’t follow.

“It’s okay Te- um… what do you want me to call you?” Sara sounds awkward, swallowing her words as they leave her mouth. They arrive at a another doorway and she reaches in, flipping on a brighter light.

She isn’t quite sure how to answer. 3086 is all she has known, but Tegan is who she was when she was living in the Before, a vital piece of her past. Sometimes she thinks that the part of her that is still Tegan, locked away in some forbidden part of her mind, is warping, changing, who she is slowly. What if 3086 no longer feels like herself anymore, Tegan reinhabiting what was once hers and forcing 3086 to change who she has become into someone she isn’t? She doesn’t feel like Tegan anymore, yet the memories slowly filtering through her head speak otherwise. Maybe she is more a part of Tegan, and Tegan a part of her, than she thinks.

“Call me Tegan.” 3086 decides hesitantly. Tegan. Yes, that is her name. She is not a number any longer, the link she’d formed in the Supreme Government’s far reaching web of control severed, feeling more like an individual than she can ever remember. Sara smiles warmly at her proclamation, helping her brace against the wall. The relief of the removal of the number bolsters 3086’s no Tegan’s resolve, as if she has shed some of the painful parts of the past six years away with this acceptance.

“Alright then Tegan, we need to get these soiled clothes off of you and change your bandages.”

Tegan nods. “Are you a doctor?” She asks, turning a blistering red up to her ears as she feels Sara pull down her pants and leave her leaning in a pair of loose fitting grey boxer briefs.

“I am actually, mostly taking care of the people in town.” Sara replies. “I’m going to go get you a change of clothes alright? Do you want to stay there or sit?”

“Stay here.” Tegan replies softly, watching Sara leave the room. The other woman's pajama’s suit her well she thinks, watching toned legs disappear around the corner as they extend from the sleep shorts she’s wearing.

The sensation that comes with this observation only makes her blush more.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I posted the first couple of chapters an anon wanted to know a little more history surrounding the whole Raiders vs Outsiders thing so to that random stranger I hope this kind of answers your questions at least a little if you still happen to be reading. This first one is written from the point of view of the Supreme Gov so its very biased towards their side as you'll see. I'll probably post things like this at the beginnings of other chapters if you guys like it and/or think it adds context to the world I've created here. 
> 
> Anyways as always enjoy and please review! Those of you that take the time to leave your thoughts thank you! You are awesome! Keep them coming because I love hearing what you think! :)
> 
> EDIT: There was some weirdness with this chapter (some copy and paste screw ups) that should all be fixed now

In the beginning of the end there was chaos, and amongst that chaos the Supreme Leader arose. He was and is without equal, pulling the ragged remains of humanity together to form a society more magnificent than anything ever seen upon the earth thus far. The Dwellers, as he affectionately dubbed his people, grew into their new lives and flourished in the prospering city and its surrounding grounds. They were happy and free, living their lives in a constant state of unadulterated bliss.

Then the Outsiders came, harboring a deep hatred within their repulsive hearts. Finding the joy that filled the Dwelling a threat to their antagonistic and brutal ways, they attacked with the hopes of abolishing the Dwelling and eradicating the peace that had encompassed the region.

But where there is fear there is also hope. The Supreme Leader knew this, devising a cunning plan and mustering up a special division of courageous men and women to repel the Outsider’s slaughter of so many innocents. They became known as the Raiders, working directly under the Supreme Leader’s direction and growing to become an elite fighting force renown for their ferocity and loyalty.

The Outsiders were taken by surprise by this new influx of valorous warriors, falling back as their forces were decimated far beyond repair. The Dwelling was saved, the Raider’s heroes in the eyes of the people.

Rejoicing, the Dwellers called for more attacks, wishing to stamp out any fanatical resistance to the Supreme Government’s superiority that might still endure its pitiful existence. In response, the Raiders unit doubled and then tripled in size, new technology allowing for greater mobility amongst the strike force. Soon it was the Outsider’s who lived in fear as the Raiders arrived at their door steps and burned down the filthy infested shacks they lived within.

  
Today, you will carry on this same fight to ensure that such a disgrace will never tarnish the Supreme Government’s control again.

 

This is the history as it is being written. You stand on the forefront of this new era, its time bearing a future of battles and feats yet to be honored and won. Remember the forefathers on whose backs you stand today and take pride in your heritage.

  
Do not fail us.

 

 

~Excerpt from **THE RAIDER’S HANDBOOK**  


  
Authorized for print by the Supreme Leader, the Department of Literature, and the Organization for the Distribution of Enlightening Materials.

 

 

 

Tegan is barely managing to stay standing when Sara returns, the other woman dropping the pile of folded clothing she was carrying next to the sink and hurrying to her side. She sighs in relief as the pressure is taken off of her leg, the damp bandages sticking to her flushed skin.

Sara frowns, helping her sit on the edge of the bathtub and kneeling beside her, just far enough away that they aren’t touching. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Tegan says softly, looking up to meet her worried gaze. “I’ve had worse, do not worry.”

“Okay. Um let’s get this bandage off then alright?”

 

Sara’s hands are steady, moving with practiced movements as she pulls the sticky cloth from around Tegan’s red irritated skin. Tegan holds onto the side of the tub with white knuckles, face scrunched as she pants through her teeth.

“Almost there.” Sara murmurs softly, pulling the last bit away and leaving the healing wound exposed to the air. She examines it closely, cool fingers gently prodding the fresh skin attempting to grow. “Looks good!”

“W-What about my chest?”

“Lets check shall we? I might as well change that one too.”

After a minute of careful movement Tegan’s shirt is removed and she sits nearly bare in the bright room. She can feel Sara’s eyes on the scars marring her skin and feels embarrassment dig in.

“I uh… I know it’s not pretty but-“

“No.” Sara interrupts. “Don’t.”

Tegan is confused as she watches Sara’s eyes grow wet again, choosing silence over the possibility of making the situation worse. This is the second time she has unknowingly made the woman cry. She wishes she could learn to keep her mouth shut sometimes.

 

_“Tegan you need to snap out of this okay? You know I love you but I can’t stay here if you don’t pull yourself together.” Sara’s voice is choked, disheartened._

_“I don’t know what else to do.”_

“Tegan… it’s ok.” Sara’s voice pulls her back, her thumb wiping away a tear that the other woman hadn’t even realized was falling.

Tegan doesn’t blame Sara for her reaction. She knows her body isn’t pretty, nor does it look the same as it did when she first woke up in the Now. Years as a Raider meant multiple injuries, leaving her skin cut up and ugly.

She feels Sara’s finger hesitantly tracing the thin scar along her collar bone, a memento from the day she was forced to prove her prowess as a blade specialist, one of the many requirements an aspiring Raider looking to obtain a leadership position needed to earn in order to move up in rank. You wouldn’t last long as fodder for the Supreme Government if you didn’t advance upwards in the hierarchy, a lesson that many a fresh-faced newly wiped Raider learned the hard way.

Sara’s fingers have drifted up her jaw, fingertips brushing her crooked ear, disappearing as quickly as they appear, her gaze hardening slightly. “We need to get this other bandage off so I can see what is going on with your chest.”

Tegan nods, unprepared for the excruciating pain that comes with the removal. The bandages are stuck to the festering skin, fresh blood oozing as she tries not to scream. Sara talks to her the entire time, her voice calm and soothing. Tegan focuses desperately on her comforting tone, whimpering.

She gasps for air when it is over, her heaving chest causing more blood to leak out. Sara’s hand is rubbing her back as Tegan slowly relaxes, pain evident on her face.   


Kneeling down beside her once more, Sara carefully examines her stab wound, explaining what happened with both injuries as she goes as a further her attempt to distract the other woman.

“When I found you I immediately brought you to my house with some help from Ted. I could tell that you had an infection because of your deliriousness and the high fever you were sporting but unfortunately antibiotics are extraordinarily scarce here, and our leadership refused to allow me to give you any of what we had. I was forced to just try to keep you as comfortable as possible in the hopes that you would be able to fight it off.”

“Were they both infected?” Tegan questions, wincing as Sara’s fingers find a particularly tender spot.

“Initially yes but I got your leg under control quickly. It’s your chest that I’m still worried about. When I got you here it had reopened and was bleeding pretty badly so I was forced to cauterize it.”

The excruciating burning she had suffered that short time she awoke returns fresh into her mind. Sara’s apologetic tone, her calming touch, make sense now.

“Thank you.” Tegan manages to reply. “I’d be dead if you hadn’t helped me.”

Sara stares straight into Tegan’s eyes, mouth curling into a thin line. There is something hiding behind her irises as they trace back and forth across the face before them with such an intensity that Tegan can’t seem to tear herself away. 

  
“I refuse to let that happen.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter!

“Can I bathe?” Tegan asks, the grimy feeling left after days of her sickness suddenly overwhelming.

Sara seems to think for a moment, leaning back on her haunches. “Well your leg wound has closed up nicely but your chest hasn’t so you can’t take a bath or a shower yet… I can get you something so you can at least wipe yourself down a little if you want though.”

Sara turns as she speaks, opening up a cabinet beneath the sink and pulling out two off white towels and getting one damp under the faucet above before handing it to the other woman.

Tegan thanks her quietly, reaching down her leg as much as she can to clean herself. The pain that comes as she bends her torso rapidly becomes too much, however, and she freezes, letting out a muffled groan, eyes watering.

“Let me help you.” Sara whispers softly, taking the cloth from the other woman’s shaking hands.

Tegan blushes deeply as embarrassment and shame swirl in her chest. Back at the barracks if you were wounded during a raid you’d often have to wait for more than a day for help, enduring the pain on your own until someone got around to fetching you and taking you for treatment. She’d watched so many die lying uselessly in their cots, their comrades so brainwashed by the Supreme Government that they refused to help those bleeding. They allowed themselves to be hurt by the inferior barbarians that lived outside the walls of the Dwelling because they were weak… or, at least, that’s what they say.

The last time she had been wounded prior to this time, she’d waited two and a half days for help. She hadn’t even been strong enough to pull herself from the shuttle, lying on the grungy floors until someone finally retrieved what was left of her dignity at the time and had dragged her into the medbay.

“Tegan?” Sara’s voice tears through the memory and she returns to the Now slightly shaken.

Sara looks worried, brow creased as her eyes study the other woman’s from where she crouches in front of her. Tegan stares unapologetically back, gaze examining her features. She can easily see how she would be attracted to this woman in the Before, her subtle beauty entrancing.

“I-I am sorry. I was recalling one of the rather more distasteful aspects of the life I was once living.” Tegan says, averting her eyes back down to the ground.

Sara carefully wipes away the dried sweat from the other woman’s limbs as she speaks, question overflowing from her brain and onto her tongue before she can stop it. “What was it like there?”

“Cold.” Tegan replies. “Everything was cold.”

The washcloth migrates to her abdomen as she speaks, taking the drying crusted blood that had trickled beneath her breasts with it.

“That sounds awful.” Sara murmurs.  
“It was the only thing me and the rest knew.” Tegan returns. “I never knew someone to care for me until you saved me from that man Scott. It is a strange feeling.”

Sara stands and tosses the cloth onto the floor before grabbing the change of clothing she brought with her and handing them over. “Strange in a good or bad way?”

Tegan accepts them, Sara stepping unasked into aiding her put them on, her touch leaving a trail of goose bumps along the other woman’s skin.

“Good.” She decides almost instantly. Even though she’s only known Sara a short while she can tell this strange feeling of security she’s experienced while she’s been with her is a good thing.

“I’m glad.” Sara says, her voice masked in an emotion Tegan is unfamiliar with. It is silent, the sound of ruffling fabric and Tegan’s muffled groans as her fragile new skin stretches over the injuries they cover filling the room in the place of voices. Fresh bandages, blindingly white, hide the inflamed skin once more.

Sara tucks Tegan back into bed without another word between the two, her presence soothing as she is lost into the familiar rhythm of sleep and darkness.

 

_“Uh-uh straight in the shower missy!” A voice disapproving calls from down the hall._

_Caught._

_Tegan sighs. “Come on babe I’m tired!”_

_“I just did our sheets the other day! Go get your ass clean and then you can relax. And hey… maybe my clothes will have disappeared by the time you get out…”_

_Sweet laughter echoes after her as Tegan bolts to the bathroom and hastily pulls off her oiled stained coveralls. She’s never taken a shower so fast._

The clinking together of dishes pulls Tegan from her dreams, the sound of running water hitting smooth tile still echoing faintly in her ears. She sniffs as an amazing smell drifts across her nostrils, getting up painfully and limping to the door, hand protectively holding her twinging chest.

The white t-shirt she’s wearing has old stains on it, dark splotches of oil or grease. It reminds her of the garages the shuttles were kept in, the smell of diesel and machinery calming to her lost and confused mind. She would go there when she felt scared or hopeless, like she was stuck in the wrong skin. The clicking and humming of the engines had calmed her, their intricate parts whirring together soothing her aching mind.

 

The sounds of life get closer as she unsteadily makes her way forward to a large open room. Sara is in what seems to be a kitchen area, countertops gleaming as she stirs something sizzling in a pan. Ryan sits on a tall chair on the other side of the counter, leaning her head on her elbows and staring off into space. They both look up as she approaches.

“Tegan!” Sara says, surprise shifting in her tone.

“That smells nice.” Tegan replies, blushing as the words escape her mouth. “I am sorry it’s just-“  
“No no come sit down. Ryan help her in a chair would you.”

Ryan gives Tegan a strange look as she helps her up into a chair, Sara watching guardedly as she stands watching, poised as if to leap forward into action. Tegan can’t help but wonder who she expects to save if such maneuvers were necessary.

“I am sorry I woke you last night.” Tegan says carefully to Ryan who merely shrugs.

“It’s alright… mom’s snoring had me awake already.”

 

_Tegan shoves her head underneath her pillow groaning, sounds resembling that of a suffocating bear filtering through the cotton and into her tired ears._

 

“Watch it you!” Sara jokes, wagging a spatula at the younger girl in mock anger.

“What it’s true! I don’t see why you can’t just let me sleep in my room. If she was going to kill us I think she would have done it already.”

Who wants to kill them? Tegan will end anything threatening the two women before her just as she was taught. The slower the better, the more drawn out the more pleasurable the agonized screams became. The Supreme Government refused to let them entertain any thoughts otherwise. She was a seasoned expert in the art of torture, the art of pain. This is something she knows, something she is comfortable with after years of use.

Then she realizes who they are talking about, immediately feeling silly and foolish. Sara sees Tegan as a possible threat to Ryan. That’s why she had the gun last night, that’s why she’s been watching any interaction between her and the other girl so closely.

“Sara I will not hurt Ryan.” Tegan says quietly. “I will not hurt you either.”

Sara nods her head, her expression taut against her face. “I believe you Tegan but-“ she turns to Ryan with a stern expression on her face. “I don’t want any more arguing. You are staying in my room with me until I decide otherwise, no questions asked alright?”

Tegan feels uncertain and disheartened at this declaration. Apparently her word isn’t enough. She doesn’t blame Sara for being unsure but that doesn’t make the obvious mistrust sting any less.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is my favorite so far, I'm hoping to have it up soon. In the meantime enjoy this and please let me know what you think!

Tegan doesn’t feel as hungry as she did moments ago, a growing feeling of uncomfortablness blooming in her gut. She feels strange and out of place sitting across from Sara and Ryan, her food untouched, the sounds of silverware clinking against plates grinding against her fraying nerves. She is on edge, her muscles tensed, her jaw clenched. She wishes she was wearing her armor and the knife she used to keep in her boot, knuckles whitening as her fingers grip the edge of the table instead.

All of her senses are heightened: every noise, every color, everything touching her body. The over-stimulation is paralyzing.

She gets up unsteadily, her chair falling back onto the floor in her mad stumbling rush to escape. She can’t stand to sit and pretend to be normal anylonger, the way she was in the Before. Sara calls after her, but she is calling for the Tegan that she once knew… not the fake she is faced with now.

 

The hallway is dark and she quickly looses her way. Another minute and it ends in front of a large door. She wastes no time in pushing it open, a desperate bid to escape the paranoia crushing her skull.

 

The smell that hits her nostrils as she enters instantly calms her, the scents of oil, fuel, and rusting machinery is something she knows, even if she’s not sure how. She hears Sara call her name again faintly but ignores it, too enamored by her surroundings as she takes them in.

It is a workshop of some sort, tools and parts lying around on two work tables on either end of the room. Half built contraptions littering the floor and a nearby bench. Her leg gives out and she falls forward onto her hands and knees, tears coating her face. She doesn’t know what it going on, why she feels so relieved, why Sara thinks she is going to hurt her, why Ryan keeps staring, why she wants nothing more than to get lost in this room for hours and hours and never leave because she’s never felt safer.

The light flickers on. Sara stands in the doorway, speechless and uncertain. Tegan is more like 3086 and less like Tegan now. She feels confused and scared, lost in a swirl of images floating just out of reach. Sara walks forward and carefully sits beside her, her presence like a salve on her burning disorientation.

“Are you okay?” Her voice is soothing, stitching up the torn open parts of her that feel so hopelessly mangled beyond repair.

Tegan wishes she could reply, tell her the truth. She isn’t okay, hasn’t been since she woke up naked in that cold sterile room six longe years ago, the men in blinding white shoving a uniform in her arms, poking and prodding her smarting skin, telling her that the Supreme Leader loved her so much that he chose to save her life.

Sara being there, so soft and inviting, made her feel okay for a little while. Reality had to sink back in sooner or later, however. She should have known better than to think her role here would be an improvement from where she was. At least when she was serving The Supreme Government she knew how to behave and how to complete her tasks. Here it is all frightening unknowns.

 

Tegan doesn’t remember Sara pulling her to her chest and holding her close, smooth hand cradling the back of her head. She doesn’t remember the other woman placing the tiny machine that had been laying nearby in her hands, or how she systematically dismantled it as though she had done it a million times, hands dissecting the intricate parts until it was nothing but tiny pieces.

 

  


_“I brought you some tea.” A voice. She pushes up her welding mask and glances to the doorway._

_Sara leans there, worried smile on her face, mug cradled in her hands. Pulling the mask off of her head Tegan sets it onto the counter with a heavy thud, the tools in her hands dropped tiredly beside it._

_She turns as Sara walks forward and pulls her into a warm comforting hug, pressing a soft kiss on her lips._

_“You need a break.”_

_“They are expecting this in three days and I still have to construct the mechanism that will feed the ammunition into the firing chamber in a way that won’t overheat the metal and burn the user. And that’s if they’re lucky… If it overheats too much the ammunition could break apart inside the chamber causing a huge explosion that would easily take the hand off of-”_

_“Tegan one extra day won’t kill them. You tiring yourself out to this point is going to kill you.” Sara, always the voice of reason. Tegan melts against her soft body, weary eyes sliding shut in relief._

  
“Sara?” She asks, voice quiet against the cold metal of the room.

“I’m here.” The woman replies, her face swimming into view above her. “It’s okay… I’ve got you… you’re okay.” Sara sounds as though she is attempting to reassure herself as much as Tegan, her voice shaking slightly.

Tegan looks up, slowly becoming more aware of her body as it lays across Sara’s lap, Sara’s fingers running softly though her hair. She feels a strange sense of calm, her breathing slow and steady, her limbs heavy as lead.

Little gears and pieces litter her chest and the floor beside them, haphazardly sorted into scattered piles. She knows exactly what each part is and how they fit together to form the creation she can picture in her head. It’s confusing for her to think about, this sudden surge of thought hurting her head.

“Are you feeling better?” Sara voice makes the ache between her eyes melt away, and Tegan manages to offer her a slight smile in return.

“I am sorry… I am unsure of what caused me to act in such an inappropriate and erratic manner. I will not allow myself to weaken to the point that I fall into such a state again. Please forgive me.”

Sara sighs, her breath blowing a few strands hair that fallen over her face and tickling Tegan’s cheek. “Don’t be sorry I know you couldn’t help it… whatever it was.”

It is silent for a moment, Tegan turning a gear in her hands up in front of her face as she examines it closely, black grease dirtying her fingers.

“The machines.” She grunts. “Who do they belong too?”

Sara’s eyes blink closed slowly, as if steeling herself. They open again. “They are yours.”

“Mine?” Tegan feels confused. “These are mine?”

The memory returns, Sara coaxing her from this same room. “I’ve been here before, I built things here for someone… am I correct? Right? I built things here?”

“Yes you did.” Sara replies. “All of the things in here are made with your hands. You loved this stuff so much that you’d spend hours upon hours on perfecting all of these little projects you had.”

Sara sounds so sad, her eyes cloudy, her brows furrowed. Tegan wants to know more but she doesn’t want to push it. Laying here with Sara is enough... at least for now.

  



	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've officially got an entire outline laid out for the story so hopefully now that I know exactly where I want to go I'll be able to get more chapters out for you guys sooner. Let me know what you think!

It’s been three weeks since the world went to hell. That famous dude that said something about how World War Four was going to be fought with sticks and stones was right. It’s a wasteland out there… nothing left.

I’ve been too scared to leave the bunker. I’m just thankful I had enough of a bad feeling when shit started going down to get it installed. It saved my life. I don’t think that there are that many survivors left on the outside. The fallout from all of the bombs they dropped on one another is slowly killing everything that wasn’t already destroyed. Everyone must be dropping like flies as the radiation and shit gets to them. No thanks. I’d rather starve down here than get poisoned like that.

I remember seeing an interview on tv that was conducted with an astronaut where the interviewer had asked him what it felt like to look down on Earth from space. I thought it was so weird when he got this strange look on his face and talked about how it made him want to dedicate his life to conserving the planet because it made him realize how fragile our existence is. Maybe if the leaders of the world powers that instigated this fighting, and followed through with it until it met it’s gruesome end, had seen the earth the way that astronaut did they would have worked harder to make peace.

  
Then again… maybe not.

 

Excerpt from journal found in Bunker #47584. Nothing else of value recovered. Abandoned structure destroyed. No further evidence of Outsider activity discovered.

 

 

 

 

“Sara… I had a um… I had like a memory come back to me about this room.” Tegan says softly, beginning to tinker around and put back together the little pieces in her hands nervously.

“Can you describe it to me?”

“I was welding something… it looked like a gun. You came to the doorway and offered me tea and then I told you that I had too much work to do. That’s all I know.”

Tegan feels too strange to talk about kissing Sara and feeling so close to her in the memory. The other woman hasn’t said a word about what used to be between them, so why should she? Sara has probably moved on anyways… she’s too good to settle for some broken creature wearing the skin of her past lover.

 

“That’s all that you can recall?” Sara’s voice is shaking a little, her eyes unable to meet the woman’s beneath her.

“Yes.”

Sara rubs her face tiredly before replying. “Our leaders knew that you had a gift with machines, an affinity for making things possible with pistons and gears that every other engineer and inventor had long since given up on. They asked you to help them improve the weaponry that they used to fight the Raiders and you agreed.”

“I aided the fight against the Supreme Government?”

“You did. You hated everything about them and what they stood for. I’m sure they enjoyed brainwashing you and turning you into some useless pawn to drag around and manipulate at their leisure.” Sara grinds out that last sentence through her teeth, the anger in her tone drawing the other woman back to the night before when Sara had the gun at her head. This is not the Sara she knows… not that she can say that they, or at least she, know much about one another.

“I am not sure whether they found pleasure in the act, but I know that I was one of the first. They wiped me before the process was refined and perfected. That’s why I remember things and the others don’t.” It feels strange to say out loud what she has known for a long time. She is a glorified science experiment, a freak among freaks.

“I am glad you are coming back to me… little by little I can feel it.” Sara whispers. Tegan shifts uncomfortably, her hands placing the half built machine on the ground beside her body. Sara wants her to return to who she was in the Before but she isn’t sure she can ever be that person again. Even if she hadn’t been wiped, the experiences and the trials that she faced at the hands of The Supreme Government would easily be enough to destroy what she was as they rebuilt her to fall into what she has become. Sara is expecting something that will never come to fruition. Tegan is 3086 just as much as 3086 is Tegan. Both means of identification, of self, make up equal parts of her. She is unable to be one without the other.

 

_Sara pushes Tegan down onto the bed, straddling her waist as she pins the other woman’s arms down playfully. She is beautiful, wearing nothing but a pair of boy shorts and an unbuttoned dress shirt that barely conceals her hanging breasts. Tegan can only stare in awe, evening light spilling in from a nearby window._

When Tegan returns there is an uncomfortable feeling between her legs. She sits up abruptly, her stiff body protesting as she tries to stand, bracing herself with one hand against the wall.

“Tegan hold on let me help you!” Sara says, quickly getting to her feet.

“No… please just don’t for a minute.” Tegan replies, eyes scrunching closed.

 

_Sara’s kisses the insides of Tegan’s thighs, cleaning up any lingering stickiness with sneaky swipes of her tongue._

“Tegan?” Sara asks softly. “Are you alright?”

 

_Sara’s ankles lock together as Tegan grunts into her neck, panting with exertion. Sara moans, nails leaving shallow furrows in the other woman’s flexing back._

“Sara.” Tegan chokes out.

 

_Sara’s head rests on Tegan’s chest, her face smooth and peaceful in sleep, their arms wrapped securely around one another._

“Sara I know.” Tegan is crying, haunted by these memories, these happy thoughts.

“Know what?” Sara sounds worried, her voice tinged with uncertainty.

Before she really knows what she’s doing, Tegan’s lips find Sara’s own. She isn’t sure if she’s doing it right, if Sara should be so still in such a passionate moment. Sara’s hand finds her chest as Tegan reaches up to cup her jaw, shoving her harshly away. Tegan falls back against the wall, panting, shocked.

“No.” Sara says, her voice stone cold and emotionless, the wetness in her eyes betraying her.

“I know.” Tegan says. “I know that we were together. I see it, I see you and me.”

“You don’t know Tegan. You don’t.” Sara’s words sting harshly. Tegan feels heat spread across her chest, soaking her t-shirt.

“Then help me learn! Please… I am so lost I don’t know what to do. Aid me in understanding what is going on in my head… make it stop. I’m scared Sara just make it stop…” Tegan sobs, confusion riddling her skull, her hands splayed against the wall as she leans against it, dizziness making it hard to think as the impact of what she has just done weighs her down.

 

_“I’m sure you’re hungry… look at this delicious food I had made especially for you. Steaming hot… such a delicious meal! Just agree to work with us and it can be yours… What do you say?” The man in white purrs._

_Tegan stares at the plate resting in front of her nose wearily, blood dripping down her bruised face from a fresh cut slicing clean through her eyebrow. Her fists clench as her stomach contracts painfully. She hasn’t eaten properly in over a month, her ribs poking sharply through her collapsed chest._

_“Fuck you.” She growls, spitting in his face and swatting the plate from his hands. The food splatters against the wall and stains his blinding uniform as he slaps her, sharp pain echoing across her face and into the room._

_“It’s too bad you won’t help yourself Tegan.” He says, shaking his head as he wipes his face with handkerchief. “I’m not going to complain though… the hard way is always more fun.”_


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Went out to lunch with family today for my birthday and my parents surprised me with tickets for T+S show on the 9th in NYC! So stoked :D

The room is cold, silent. Each woman sitting and leaning against separate walls facing one another. Tegan can’t make herself meet Sara’s searching gaze.

 

_The straps holding her down onto the metal table press deep lines into her skin, the lights shining above her blinding. The men in white drift in and out of her sight, mouthing blurry things, moving as though underwater._

_A sharp pain in her head begins to grow, radiating throughout her skull without ceasing in endless throbbing waves. A mask is roughly pushed onto her bruised face. It feels suffocating, sucking the all of the oxygen from her lungs._

She gasps, fingers grasping at her throat as she returns. It feels as though her throat is closing, pain in her chest blooming as she hunches over, her body straining as she wheezes.

Sara gets up suddenly, running blurrily out of the room. Tegan coughs, choking. She truly is going to die alone.

Sara is back a moment later, although it feels like ages. Tegan didn’t think she was going to return at all, her presence calming as she forces the other woman to lie flat on the ground.

“Tegan look at me.” She says, placing her red face between her hands. “You’re having an asthma attack. When I put the inhaler in your mouth breathe in as much as you can.”

The memory of Sara grasping Tegan’s jacket as she made the same noises that Tegan is now flood her mind, clearly as the day it must have happened. She’s scared. She bites down on the inhaler as it enters her mouth, Sara’s shaking hand dispensing the medication. Slowly her throat opens back up, the gasps turning into pants which turn into shallow breaths. Sara breathes deeply, shuddering.

“Sara.” Tegan says, her voice nasally. “Sara I am sorry.”

At first the other woman doesn’t reply, her hair masking her features. The hesitation doesn’t last long however, as she bends down and connects her lips with Tegan’s.

This kiss is different from the first. Sara’s lips move with Tegan’s own, soft against her own chapped ones. Both women’s eyes shut, Sara’s hand cupping Tegan’s jaw, her hair tickling the other woman’s face.

“Mom?” A voice in the doorway, surprised and slightly angry. Sara breaks away quickly, both women turning towards the noise.

“Ryan.” Sara starts, standing up. “Ryan-“

“Mom what is going on?” Ryan is crying, tears running down each cheek. Tegan feels nervous and uncomfortable.

“Sweetheart-“ Sara stops, looking slightly desperate.

“What about Momma? You said she was coming back! Why are you kissing her instead?”

“Ryan this is Momma.” The sudden declaration shocks both ignorant parties in the room. But unlike Ryan, Tegan had suspicions. Ryan is completely blindsided.

“No.” Ryan says shortly. “No Momma wouldn’t be a Raider! She wouldn’t do that! She wouldn’t kill innocent people!”

Sara glances down at Tegan, eyes shining. She begins to speak, to apologize for how the truth came out, but Tegan interrupts her. “I knew.” She says. “I remembered the day she was born. The feelings that were running though me when I saw that doctor place that little baby on your chest made me know. I doubted myself but inside I knew.”

Sara just nods. “I am so sorry Tegan.”

“Don’t be.” The other woman replies before turning to Ryan. “Come here please.”

The girl shakes her head. “No way. You aren’t my Momma I don’t care what you say.

“Ryan I-“ Tegan starts. Ryan is gone before she can finish, her disappearance sending sharp pangs of loss rushing through Tegan’s chest.

“Tegan.” Sara whispers, wiping away a tear she watches drip from the other woman’s eye.

“I love her with my whole heart and yet I know nothing about her.” Tegan mutters. “I love you with every fibre of my being and yet we barely know one another.”

“It’ll come back. I’ll help you fill in the blanks too. It won’t be like this forever, she’ll come around eventually.” Sara says softly, reassuringly. “For now though we need to rewrap your chest again.”

Tegan looks down, surprised to see the white stained dark crimson yet again. “How is it still bleeding when you cauterized it?”

“You ripped the skin back open.” Sara says, helping the other woman up and leading her out of the room. “Let’s just do it in my room, the bed is more comfortable.”

“Okay.” Tegan replies softly, allowing herself to be led down the hall and into Sara and Ryan’s bedroom. Ryan isn’t there when they enter, much to both women’s, but especially Tegan’s, disappointment.

“Is she going to be okay?” Tegan asks, wincing slightly as Sara pulls off and replaces the bandages softly with careful hands.

“She’ll come around Tee don’t worry. I’ll talk to her later. I shouldn’t have told her like that but I just panicked and-“

“It wasn’t your fault. I should have told you exactly what I knew but I didn’t.”

The door slams and Sara is standing up in a instant, fingers grasping the handgun from where she’d left it the other night.

“Stay here.” She mutters, clicking the safety off and starting to take slow measured steps to the doorway, her head cocked to the side.

“No way.” Tegan whispers, getting up and following the other woman. She feels steadier than she has in days, this thought strengthening her resolve. She isn’t going to let anything happen to Sara and Ryan. They are her family, her hope to start back where she began someday.

Sara shoots her a look but Tegan ignores her, following out into the hall.

“Hey Sare!” A familiar woman’s voice calls as two figures come into view. It is Emy and Ted. Sara lowers the gun, shoulders relaxing in relief.

“You guys can’t fucking do that! I almost shot you!” She calls out angrily as the approach, Tegan rubbing the back of her neck nervously behind her.

“This was really last minute dude and Scott had James destroy everyone’s radios because he’s convinced that someone is telling the Raiders our strength and positions and stuff. But hey thanks for not shooting us even though you’re a doctor and would totally patch us up and get us going again like you did with old Teegles here.” Emy replies cheerfully.

“What is Teegles?” Tegan asks, brow scrunching in confusion as Sara leads them back into the kitchen living area again and they sit at the table. Ryan is still nowhere to be found.

“You're Teegles.” Emy says, laughing at the other woman’s expression.

“No I am Tegan.”

“It’s a nickname stupid.”

Realization dawns on Tegan as Ted intercedes. “Em could you like, not be an ass for like two minutes of your life please?”

“But what’s the fun in that?” The other woman asks, smirking and sitting back in her chair cockily.

Sara shakes her head, her hand resting protectively on Tegan’s leg. “Just ignore her.” She says softly into her ear. Tegan nods mutely, eyes focusing on the two strangers in front of her.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the wait! I've been studying like crazy for my exams and I was awol all weekend through Tuesday because I flew up to NYC for the T&S show at Le Poisson Rouge which was my first and it was amazing! Okay anyways hope this chapter makes up for all of that... let me know what you guys think! :)

“So where’s Ryan at? I haven’t seen the kid in awhile.” Emy asks, looking around as though she expects the girl to leap from the shadows. 

“She is very angry.” Tegan says, grimacing. 

Emy’s relaxed demeanor is gone in a second, sitting up in her chair. “What the fuck did you do to her?”

Tensing up, her fists clenched, Tegan grits her teeth. If this comes to blows she won’t hesitate. 

“Emy chill the fuck out okay? Tegan didn’t do anything.” Sara intervenes, standing up and placing an arm protectively in front of the bristling woman beside her. 

Emy glares at both, sitting back in her seat and crossing her arms, her brow furrowing. “Then why did she say Ryan is angry?”

“I just… she saw me and Tegan kissing in the workshop and freaked out, asked why I was kissing a woman that wasn’t her Momma. I don’t know I just panicked and told her the truth.” Sara braces her hands on the top of the table, her shoulders hunched defeatedly.

“Shit.” Emy whistles. “I’ll go look for her alright? She can’t have gotten far.”

“I want to go too.” Tegan says quickly, standing up abruptly to follow the other woman.

“No.” Emy replies shortly. “I think you’ve done enough damage to the poor kid already today yeah?”

Tegan isn’t sure how to reply, how to reassure herself that Emy isn’t right. If she hadn’t kissed Sara in the first place then Sara wouldn’t have kissed her back again and Ryan wouldn’t have ever walked in on them. Emy is gone out of the doorway as Tegan’s hands clench into white-knuckled fists. She pants, angry tears threatening to spill over her eyelids. Why is everything always her fault?

“Tegan…” Sara’s voice cuts through the thick fog of frustration, soothing tone blowing it gently away and dispersing it into the room.

“I’ll uh go help Em.” Ted says. Tegan can hear his shuffling footsteps ease away from the room. Softer, more measured ones approach slower, their owner wrapping her into a hug, hesitant at first but relaxing quickly as the other woman melts into her touch.

“Sara I am trying so hard what else can I do? There must be something.” The tears fall as she speaks, dripping down the sharp wide line of her jaw.

“Shhh no. I know you are trying baby I know. Don’t let Emy bother you she’s just been super overprotective of Ryan since you were- um while you were gone.” Sara murmurs in her ear.

“T-Tell me something.” Tegan mutters amidst the overpowering emotions clouding her skull. “Please tell me something.”

“What do you want to know?” Sara asks as they ease themselves onto the floor, backs to the wall, Tegan’s head resting on Sara’s shoulder, each with a hand clasped tightly in the others.

“How we met.”

Sara sighs, her chest rising and falling steadily with the breath. “Well it was spring time and everything was waking: animals out foraging in the woods, the trees weighed down with fresh new leaves, the heavy buds of wildflowers blooming on weak stems.” Tegan is immediately captivated, Sara’s steady voice and imagery helping her to recall the scene described. “I was out looking for some roots my mother could use to help dress a cut a local boy had gotten that had become infected, she was a doctor before me. I had my spade out, digging through the dirt when I heard a series of the most explosive sneezes I’d ever heard nearby.”

“I was working on the motorcycle!” Tegan says excitedly. “I remember that motorcycle! Do I still have it?

Sara smiles, brushing a stray hair from the other woman’s face tenderly. “It’s in the store room where we kept all of the extraneous supplies we didn’t need urgently for any reason. We can go root it out later if you want.” Tegan smiles, pleased that she was able to recall something, eager to hear more in the hopes of returning more of her past.

“So, anyways, I went in search of the source of all this ruckus and lo and behold there you were, covered in god knows what from that motorcycle, your hands on your knees, trying to catch your breath after sneezing so much.”

“It was motor oil I was taking apart the engine.” Tegan says, pausing before speaking again more thoughtfully. “I have bad allergies in the spring.”

Sara chuckles. “You do indeed. Anyway I asked you if you were alright and scared you, you actually fell back onto your ass and flushed the deepest red I had ever seen when you looked up and saw me.”

The same rush of embarrassment that she must have felt at that moment hits and she hides her face with her free hand. “Oh god.”

“It was adorable you know… I was instantly enamored with the dorky stranger I’d stumbled on in the woods. You hid the bike and walked me back to my house that day, shy as you were, and stuttered some sort of goodbye before heading down the road to where you lived. I remember watching you go… I couldn’t wait to see you again.” Sara has a wistful look on her face as she recalls these events, her thumb absent-mindedly brushing against the back of Tegan’s knuckles.

“You know the entire time you told me that I felt like I knew what was going to happen even though I really didn’t.”

“That’s good. We’ll keep taking these small steps and before you know it you’ll be remembering more and more things everyday!” Sara smiles, leaning down to kiss the other woman’s cheek. “And I’ll be right here with you alright? I’ll tell you whatever you want to know, don’t be afraid to ask me.”

The sound of a door slamming interrupts this peaceful moment, the idyllic happiness of past events evaporating with the sounds of raised voices as they echo up the hall.

“I don’t care what you or anyone else says! That fucking murderer is not my Momma! She wouldn’t do that I know she wouldn’t!” Ryan’s voice, trembling with fury.

“Ryan grow up! I may not like her all that much either but cut her some slack okay? You’re old enough to know all about how the Supreme Government wipes Raiders!” Emy now, her frustration clear.

“Come on everyone just calm down.” Ted, nervousness rising in his tone.

“Don’t tell me to calm down! Raider’s are sick! They killed Grandma I saw it happen!” 

Silence, heavy breathing. Tegan’s whole body is tense, trembling against Sara’s silent form. The sounds of sobs, muffled as they meet another’s chest.

“I just want my momma back Em. Why did it have to end up like this?”

“I wish I knew kid... I really do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise you that the plot will definitely thicken within the next couple of chapters so please stick with me while I get all of this out of the way first!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter!

Sullen faces and clinking plates fill up the emptiness of the kitchen. Tegan sits next to Sara, across from Emy and Ryan, and beside Ted who sits at the head of the table, the self proclaimed neutral party amongst the confusing madness of emotion and loss that has settled over everyone’s minds.

Tegan tries to focus as she attempts to pile as many peas as she can onto her spoon. The fog makes it hard to see, however, and she keeps spilling them onto the untouched pile of mashed potatoes and lean cut of steak still steaming beside it. Sighing in frustration at the sight of her food so mixed together she gives up, setting the utensil down with a jarring clink of metal against ceramic. She’s not really all that hungry anyways.

Sara looks over at her, chewing on a slice of her own meat. Her hand finds that comforting place on Tegan’s thigh, squeezing it reassuringly before returning to her meal.

“I guess it likes to waste food as much as it does human lives.” Ryan says, her lip curling in disgust. Tegan looks up, her gaze finding the younger girl’s. They stare at one another, neither willing to back down, Tegan searching desperately for some sort of hope that this young woman, her… daughter, cares. The hate is overpowering, however, and she looks away first.

“Excuse me?” Sara, her voice sharp and scolding, asks. Tegan shifts uncomfortably in her chair.

“You heard what I said.” Ryan mumbles, looking down at her plate.

“Ryan Jane Quin I-“ Sara stands, her eyes wild as she slams a fist down on the table.

“Sara no… she’s right.” Tegan interjects, her hand on the other woman’s waist, pulling her away from the anger clouding her judgment. Sara seems to deflate at her words, sitting back down and blushing slightly as she reaches to pick up the napkin that had fallen out of her lap. Emy sits back in her chair, her arm resting protectively along the back of Ryan’s. Ted freezes in spot.

“I know I’m right.” Ryan growls. “There is no way you can change my mind or justify what you did. I don’t care what you or mom says about what you were to me before, you’re nothing in my eyes now.”

The words sting harshly, and Tegan tenses up as she tries not to let anything show. Now is not the time, her training returning to her head as she uses it to lock away her own feelings into the back of her mind. She has gotten quite good at that over the past six years.

“You are right when you call me a murder, a killer, a destroyer of human life. I have done things that would make all of you sick to your stomachs.”

“Oh yeah?” Ryan challenges, interrupting the older woman. “Like what huh?”

Tegan is devoid of all emotion as she speaks next. If she tries to be open and feel again like she has the past couple of days with Sara then she won’t make it through. “I have cut the still beating heart out of a father as his wife and three children watched. I ignored their screams of complete and utter anguish as I pulled out the still beating organ just like I was instructed to. I’ve ignored the desperate cries for help from my newly wiped comrades as they are raped by the leadership because I was instructed not to interfere. I have…” She stops, gulping. The room is stuck in a thick silence, everyone staring at her, their faces a mixture of complete horror and sadness. “I have personally beaten to death the only friend I had because she started remembering things like I was, and she was going to tell the leadership that both of us had memories return. I-I couldn’t let her tell them. I knew that they would terminate us both if they found out so I ended her life before she could.”

Ryan’s eyes are wide and full of something Tegan can’t interpret as she finishes, angrily wiping away the wetness in her brimming beneath her irises, the chinks in the defense she has tried so hard to resurrect crumbling.

“So you see Ryan, you don’t have to tell me how terrible of a person I am now because I already know. I have to live with it. I see the faces of those I’ve hurt every day. Every damn day I have to relive what I had to do to make sure that I came back to the people that I knew deep down meant something to me, even though I could hardly remember Sara’s face. I complied with them for you, and I don’t expect you to understand that now but just know that even though I could no longer recall either of you I was still fighting to come back home somehow, someway.”

Tegan stands up as she finishes, swaying over the other occupants of the table. Everyone remains sitting, nobody meeting the other’s gazes. She leaves the uncomfortableness of the room, trying to lock away the new memories that she has just recently made with Sara. They’ll be all she’ll have left once Sara kicks her out to the curb or possibly even turns her in to Scott. Sara won’t be able to love somebody who’s hands are dripping with so much blood that she is drowning in it.

 

The blades of the ceiling fan over her bed have made 8,567 rotations since she’s been lying in the dark. Now 8,568, 8,569. She is waiting for the Sara she has only met twice to appear, the one wielding the gun and the emotionless glare, devoid of everything but ruthlessness against all who oppose her or the ones she holds dear. It can’t be long now.

 

 

_Tegan takes a deep shuddering breath, wiping her sweaty hands on her jeans as the heavy box in her pocket weighs her impossibly down._

_The door in front of her opens before she can muster up the courage to knock and she blushes, taking a step back and looking at the girl in front of her._

_“Hey Tegan!” Sara says happily. She looks younger, more free, wearing a pair of ripped shorts and a flannel shirt. Tegan takes a step back, flustered at her proximity to such a beautiful girl. God she really cannot screw this one up._

_“H-Hey Sara… um, I made you something.” The stutter makes her want to jump off a cliff but Sara’s smile only seems to grow impossibly wider._

_“Oh Tegan you didn’t have too! Come in before you give it to me I feel so rude making you stand outside like this.”_

_“Oh it’s no problem Sara I’m used to being outdoors all of the time.” Tegan mutters sheepishly, rubbing the back of her neck as she follows Sara into the house._

_The other girl flops down onto the couch in her living room, patting the spot next to her. “Come ‘ere.”_

_Shaking with nervousness, Tegan complies, fishing into her pocket for her gift. “Here you go.” She mutters softly, handing Sara the small box and watching her open it apprehensively._

_“Oh Tegan…” She whispers softly, gasping and pulling out a small ornate cube covered in what looks like small intricate carvings._

_“Oh uh well that’s not the best part. Tell it to wake up.” Tegan says, wiping her hands on her legs again._

_“Ok um… wake up?” Sara asks, jumping in surprise as the cube comes alive in her hand, legs unfolding as it stands up and looks around. It is a tiny mechanical spider, whirring as it walks unsteadily about on Sara’s palm._

_“I p-programmed it to respond to your voice. He’s good at retrieving stuff for you. Watch, ask him to pick up that pencil!” Tegan says, pointing to the wooden pencil lying on the coffee table in front of them._

_“Go grab that pencil for me.” Sara says, watching in wonder as the little device leaps from her hand, returning with the object._

_“Tegan this is amazing how did you build something like this?”_

_“Oh, uh well I finished the motorcycle finally so I needed something else to do… I’m glad you like him.”_

_“I love him Tee! Thank you so much!” Sara says, throwing her arms around the other girl enthusiastically._


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super sorry for the delay in getting this chapter out. Some personal stuff came up that left me unable to sit down and write for a little while. Everything should be back to normal now though... hope this chapter makes up for the wait!

When the door finally creaks open it’s late; Tegan’s chest throbbing in a dull monotone pattern of thuds as she sits up, bracing herself to face the inevitable. The silhouette in the doorway is too small to be Emy, Ted, or even Sara though. They must have sent Ryan to make her leave, sparing themselves the anger and awkwardness that is sure to follow such a declaration. This won’t be easy.

Ryan seems to hesitate for a moment, lingering uncertainly by the door. Tegan reaches over with a grimace and turns on the lamp beside her bed. There are tears across the younger girl’s face that shine as the light hits them, old tracks drying along the crease of her mouth.

She opens her mouth to speak but Tegan interrupts. “I will go, do not worry.”

Ryan’s face scrunches up in confusion, the expression only lasting a moment as she realizes what the other woman means with her solemn tone. “What? No… I… you can’t!”

Tegan is taken aback by the sudden change in mood, the desperation permeating throughout the room. “You hate me.” It is a statement, an acknowledgment.

“No… I-I thought I did. But I don’t. I mean… I just…” Ryan struggles, conflicting emotions drawing her brow.

“I didn’t blame you.” Tegan says softly, rubbing her stinging eyes with her palms, her legs hanging off the side of the bed.

“I was wrong about you.” Ryan whispers. “And I shouldn’t have said what I did.”

“You weren’t wrong and what you said was justified.” Tegan mutters, feeling tears start to weigh her own eyelids down. She is so tired. “I am a killer, a monster. I deserved to die the day Sara saved me, and her caring only furthered the delusion in my head that I was somehow free of the darkness that inhabits my skin. I was wrong, and you were the only one who saw through my disguise. I am Raider Captain 3086, not Tegan Rain Quin, and the sooner everyone here realizes that the sooner they can forget about me and who I was and return back to the lives they were living while I was gone.”

Ryan sniffs, uncertainty making it hard to formulate a response. Tegan stands, rocking on her heels slightly, holding her chest. She feels weaker than she has felt since she awoke here. Trying to take a step, she stumbles, Ryan jerking instinctively forward and catching the bulkier woman’s weight in her arms.

“I am sorry.” Tegan says, trying to pull away, but Ryan refuses to let her go, pulling the other woman in assertively for a hug.

“Just promise not to leave us again.” Ryan says, voice wavering slightly. “I am willing to start fresh with you, hear your side of the story, if you promise not to disappear. Please…”

Tegan pats the other girl awkwardly on the back. “I will stay as long as you will have me.”

  


When Sara wakes the next morning, she is petrified. The reassuring weight of her daughter’s body beside her on the mattress is gone. Images of the younger girl running away out of anger and being captured by the Dwellers, wiped and subjected to all of the horrors that Tegan was forced to face, swirl through her mind in an overwhelming rush of obscure thoughts and feelings. It is jarring, and before she knows what she is doing her pistol is in her hand, her grip on the metal tightening as she races through her already open door.

When she finds them she is panting, adrenaline pumping through her body in exhausting waves of shaking stimulation. Tegan is curled protectively around her daughter from where they lay half leaning against the wall, Ryan’s head tucked beneath the other woman’s neck. There is no sign of any struggle, both women’s faces smooth and peaceful in sleep.

  
Sara feels strange as she stares at the scene, beginning to back away out of the room slowly. Before she can escape, however, Tegan’s eyes droop open and they make eye contact. Tegan’s eyes widen at the implications, scrambling to come up with an explanation for how close she is to Ryan but Sara stops her, walking forward and leaning down, their lips brushing together gently.

“It’s okay.” She whispers, her hand running though Tegan’s soft curls. “It’s okay.”

Sliding down the wall beside her wife and her daughter, Sara can’t help but feel frightened at the domesticity of it all. Tegan is back, yes, but she isn’t the same woman that ran off to help that day in the woods six years ago. This Tegan is broken and scarred beyond belief. Sara hadn’t wanted to believe the implications of the job the woman beside her had been forced into until she finally had no other choice, Tegan’s blatant admission of the completion of such horrifying acts sticking in her mind, easily one of the most jarring experiences in Sara’s life. She remembers the shy girl who loved engines, had to pee every five minutes, and loved her family more than anything else in the world. This Tegan, while obviously still dedicated to those she loves, carries a much darker and haunted persona. Sara’s dreams of returning back to the way things were before Tegan was taken, however dim and farfetched, evaporate into a deep, seeping sense of uncertainty.

Tegan’s hand inches over to find the other woman’s, grasping it gently. Sara jumps slightly before relaxing into her touch, leaning over to rest her head against the other woman’s shoulder and stroke her daughter’s hair. This is okay, a version of Tegan she can remember, something she can hold onto. Her nagging fear of Raider Captain 3086 taking Tegan’s place is unnerving, but it melts away under Tegan’s adoring gaze and another, more tender, caressing of lips.

  


  


  


_“Tegan I am sick and tired of your excuses! You must either dedicate yourself fully to the cause once and for all or live with the realization for the rest of your life that you had a chance to save innocent lives but you refused! You’re choice… and you’d better think fast.”_

_Tegan growls, slamming her hand down hard on the table. The people standing around her in the small room glance between the her and the man challenging her nervously._

_“More death in the name of preserving life is not the answer! There has to be another way!”_

_“The Supreme Government and their Raiders don’t care so why should we? I am sick and tired of watching my people killed because they refuse to join that insane cult. We need to fight back now before things get any worse, and the only way for us to have any chance is if you make us some proper weapons.” The man returns, eyes flashing. “Now either contribute or take your wife and daughter and get the fuck out of town. We don’t have enough resources to support those who do not pull their own weight.”_

_Tegan crumples, shock filtering through her features. “Sara and Ryan have nothing to do with this... keep them out of it… please.”_

_“Decide.” The man crosses his arms, face stony and cold._

_“Fine… you want weapons? I’ll make you fucking weapons. I will comply with you and your foolish plans as long as you promise me one thing.”_

_“You don’t really have much room for negotiation Tegan.” The man smirks._

_“I don’t fucking care! You will make sure that no matter what, my wife and daughter are taken care of. Promise me or else I will leave and you all will die in your impossible war.”_

_“I promise.” The man says, waving his hand at her dismissively._

_“Alright then.” Tegan replies shortly. “Send me the exact specifications as to what you want. I’ll begin work as soon as I receive them.”_

  


  



	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can't wait for LY2D to be released!! Enjoy this while you wait tonight :P

The fog is back, Tegan shifting uncomfortably in her chair. Ryan stares intently at her, eyes searching from where she sits across the table. Sara is in the kitchen making them some breakfast, the sounds of clinking pans and cooking food masking the awkwardness slightly.

“What was it like?” Ryan asks. The strange sensation that had formed between them in the silence breaks.

Tegan blinks, looking down at her calloused and scarred hands. She decides on the same response she gave Sara, the safe one. “Cold.”

Unlike Sara, however, Ryan keeps pressing. “What do you mean?”

Tegan sighs, looking up towards the ceiling. “I lived in a barracks beneath the Supreme Leader’s home. We didn’t get any heat to keep us warm, we were just expendable tools in his eyes you see, and since we were underground it was cold all of the time. We never had enough blankets to keep warm at night and the clothing they gave us for nightwear was thin and cheaply made. What was state of the art was our armor and weaponry, but you had to turn all of that in after every raid or you’d be terminated. Not like you could really sleep in that stuff anyways I guess.”

“That sounds like it sucked.”

“It did.” Tegan admits. “But it’s the only thing me and the rest really knew. We were so naïve upon waking after being wiped that we believed what we were told without question. Me and Lin- my friend began questioning things because we could remember. We were the first two to be wiped so they hadn’t really refined and perfected the practice like they have these days.”

“You know I really am sorry for what I said to you. It was stupid.” Ryan looks down, her fingers tapping the dark-stained wood of the table.

“No hard feelings.” Tegan replies, waving her hand dismissively. “I am kind of curious about one thing though. When we first met I introduced myself by the name assigned to me by the Supreme Government: Raider Captain 3086. You didn’t seem upset at all then. Why did you suddenly get so mad even though you knew already?”

Ryan laughs, a sound Tegan can’t help but file away in the back of her mind. She doesn’t want to ever forget anything about her life again. “I just thought you were another nutty patient that my mom had taken in. She’s good like that, always trying to heal people when they need help, even when they can’t offer any sort of payment in return. She says it’s her duty as a person of medicine or something… I don’t really get it, but yeah I thought you were just crazy until I found your armor in the closet of your room while you and mom were um… spending time together in the workshop.”

“Wait my armor is in my room?” Tegan asks. She can’t help but feel excited to know that her equipment here with her too. Something else she knows, she trusts, in this strange new/old world she’s found herself thrown into.

“Yeah. I mean it’s beat to hell and all bloody but it’s in there.”

“Watch your language Ryan!” Sara calls scoldingly from the kitchen.

Ryan rolls her eyes, glancing over at Tegan looking annoyed. “She’s so strict and protective… I swear I bet the Supreme Government didn’t hound you like Mom does to me.”

 

Tegan shakes her head, small smile forming on her face. “She just cares about you, and that’s way more than what I got while under the Supreme Government’s reign. They could give two shits about whether you live or die as long as you get the job done and give them more material to use as propaganda so they can keep brainwashing the dwellers. Be happy you’re here and not there… trust me on that one.”

“Tegan, Ryan, do you both want bacon with your eggs?” Sara asks, her voice echoing as it meets their ears.

“That sounds good!”

“Sure Mom!”

 

 

_“Subject is showing signs of waking up.”_

_"A voice. What is going on?_

_Fucking sedate her again then!”_

_“We maxed out on doses sir.”_

_“Well if she wakes now she’ll die!”_

  
_A_ _gony. It radiates from her skull in a never ending buzz, a knife of broken glass and jagged razor blades cutting deep lines across her scalp._  


_She wants to scream, took weak to move a muscle._

_Just hand it to me. I’ll do it myself.”_

_A tiny pinch, barely felt._

_Darkness._

 

 

Tegan is shaking when she returns, phantom bolts of pain jolting across her skull. She cries out, hands reaching futilely to claw away what isn’t there. Sara is beside her in an instant, pushing Ryan away and kneeling by her side.

“Tegan?” She asks, her hands hovering anxiously over the other woman. “What’s going on Tegan? Tell me so I can help you.”

She is obviously in doctor mode, her voice calm and steady, clinical.

Tegan dry heaves, the pain increasing. She grunts, hands gripping the sides of her chair tightly.

“Ryan get me a bucket!” Sara orders, pointing towards the kitchen before turning back. “It’s okay Teegs. I’ve got you sweetheart, it’s okay.”

The pain flashes, white hot and searing. Tegan dry heaves again just as Ryan returns, her cheek resting on the cold plastic as it is placed in her lap.

She isn’t sure how long she stays like that, panting as she tries to fight off the waves of deep stabbing pain in her skull and the sickness that follows. She is scared, Sara beside her the entire time whispering quiet things and running her fingers through the other woman’s hair softly. Ryan stands nearby, too shocked by how suddenly everything changed to move.

Slowly, the pain recedes like the tide, returning to the malevolent place it crawled from. Tegan sags in relief, setting the bucket on the floor and leaning into Sara’s touch.

“Is it better?” Sara whispers, wrapping her arms tightly around the other woman.

“I hope so.” Tegan replies shakily. “I am so sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Sara murmurs, sounding slightly spooked. “What triggered it?”

“I had some sort of flashback but it was terrible. My head hurt so bad I wished I was dead. And there were men talking that I couldn’t see because I couldn’t open my eyes or move at all. When I came back the pain was still there… that’s why I got so sick I guess.”

Nobody speaks, the air around them heavy as what Tegan said sinks in. Sara stands up, releasing her hold on the other woman.

“Is this the same deal as when you had that asthma attack out of nowhere? I was really confused about that since I know that you have no history of lung problems… I just figured it had something to do with whatever those fuckers in the Dwelling did to you.”

“I’d had a flashback very similar to this one then too. It was the same type of thing only this time I could see what was going on a little bit. The men and white were there and the pain in my head was there too. They put a mask on my face that felt like it was suffocating me and that’s when I woke up and still couldn’t breathe.”

“Have any other flashbacks affected you like that?”

Sara’s question makes Tegan blush and look away. Technically she has been affected by other ones, namely the ones involving Sara naked or half naked or touching her or being touched. She couldn’t possibly just out and say that with Ryan in the room, not that she would if the girl wasn’t there anyways. Yes, she feels something very strongly for Sara, but there is no way that the woman could feel the same way back. It’s been too long, and Tegan is not who she once was, she is sure.

She wishes she knew what was going on, what to do.

“Sara, Ryan said you have my armor packed away in the closet of my room. Can I see it please?” She changes the subject. Sara knows exactly what she is doing, crossing her arms and frowning as she answers the diverging question. Tegan can tell she won’t be able to get out of responding later.

“Yeah, I’ll go grab it. In the meantime if either of you still feel up to it, breakfast is on the stove. Dig in, I don’t know how much fresh rations we’re going to be able to get from Em and Ted. Scott is really starting to crack down on them.” Sara says, walking out of the room.

“Emy and Ted left?” Tegan asks Ryan.

Ryan nods. “They said that Scott is mad about the raid and your escape. I guess he’s planning something big in retaliation.

"Don’t tell mom I told you that by the way, I wasn’t supposed to hear.” Ryan says.

Tegan nods her head thoughtfully, processing the information given to her. “I won’t. Do not worry.”

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really appreciate you guys leaving me kudos but please leave a review with your thoughts as well!

Tegan disappears into the workshop without eating to tinker with her armor. It is mostly complete, missing only the helmet. Although she found it dented and covered in a mix old corrugated blood and dirt, she manages to clean it up and dismantle the various weapons she’d hidden in it, salvaging what she can. The soothing feeling of the plating beneath her fingertips drives away some of the shock of earlier, a small comfort as she continues to flounder against the waves of this giant unknown.

She finds her knife is still in its sheath along the inside of her right boot, pulling it out and inspecting the blade under the work light extending overhead. She’s relieved to find that the initials, LB, are still carved into the side of the handle, running her fingertip over the wood softly before setting it aside. Working her way up, she pulls apart the webbed belt that lays still hooked like a sash across the bent chest plate, detaching several grenades and setting them aside and adding several throwing stars to the pile that she finds stashed underneath her wrist guard and the flask of poison that had been strapped under her armpit.

Sara watches from the doorway as Tegan dismantles everything, her arms crossed, her mouth pulled into a slight frown. She looks tired, worried, lines around her mouth deepening.

“Tegan?” She asks. Tegan jumps slightly in alarm, turning around quickly. She relaxes when she sees the other woman, shoulders slumping in relief.

“Don’t worry, I am taking it apart.”

“That’s… that's good. But Tegan I wanted to talk to you about something else for a minute.” Sara sounds strange which makes Tegan grow uncomfortable, leaning back against the table.

“Alright.”

Sara steps inside, closing the door shut behind her. Tegan’s hands grow sweaty at the sight of her only escape route disappearing. The instincts ingrained in through her life as a Raider have proven increasingly hard to shake.

“I need you to be completely honest with me right now. I want to know everything you remember and I want to know exactly how you feel, what you felt while reexperiencing those things, and if any of the other flashbacks have affected you in any way at all. This morning was the second time you’ve reacted poorly to the memories and I need to know everything in order to help you.” Sara’s voice shakes a little before steadying with a growing conviction as she continues to speak.

“Sara I-“ Tegan’s hands fidget. “I don’t really know how.”

“Start from when you first began remembering and go from there okay?” Sara sounds slightly sympathetic, her tone softening at Tegan’s nervous uncertainty.

“Well uh… about a month and a half after being wiped I started having strange dreams. They… you were in them but the images were always blurry and confusing and when I woke up I could never really remember anything. I mean, like, I knew I’d dreamt but I had a hard time recalling the events and stuff. It was hard.”

Tegan’s hands still, digging into her pockets, eyes flickering to the ground.

“And then one day, about two and a half years ago now, L-Lindsey came to me. I was her commanding officer and she was scared so she came to me and told me she thought she was remembering things about her past, things that had happened before the Now. We’d been in the same unit before I was promoted and she had been wiped right after me so we were close. She had gotten super afraid when she found out I was having the same problem and told me that our only hope was to tell our leaders what was going on so that they could rewipe us and we could move on. She didn’t like the memories but I treasured what I could pull from them. I begged her not to do it but she wouldn’t listen, so the night before her audience with the Supreme Leader I tricked her into going into the barracks bathroom with me, tied and gagged her, and beat her to death. I thought there was no other way so I panicked and I fucking killed her.”

Tegan breaks down, chest aching sobs rising up her throat as her mind revisits that night. Sara walks forward, pulling her into a hug and cradling her head with her hand. “Tegan.” She whispers. “Oh Tegan I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have made you do this.”

“No.” Tegan chokes. “No you need to know who I am. It is my hands that are laden with death while yours provide nothing but healing to the same wounds I inflicted. You cannot possibly love me, I know this.”

Tegan wishes she could pluck the words that made up that last sentence out of the air before they reach Sara’s ears, but it is too late. They both freeze, shallow breaths hitting the other’s skin. Sara leans back, still embracing the other woman.

“Of course I love you.” She whispers, eyes full of sadness, of conviction. “I never stopped loving you the whole time you were gone.”

“But now I am here and I am not who you once loved.” Tegan says, reaching up to wipe away the tears still pouring down her face. “I keep seeing us in my head together and it makes me love you so much that I don’t know what to do except hold it in because you don’t feel the same. You don’t have to be nice, I can take it. I already know the truth anyways, there is no use in hiding your true feelings any longer.”

“Tegan I wouldn’t have kissed you back if I didn’t still feel strongly for you. I wouldn’t have sat beside you and my daughter on the floor this morning if I didn’t still love you. What else do I have to do to prove that to you? I am trying, this is difficult for me too. Yes, you aren’t the same person you were six years ago, but neither am I.”

“Raiders are not loved. Raiders are feared. Raiders are tolerated. Raiders kill so that others may live fulfilling lives.” Tegan grinds these words out like a mantra, ideals ingrained into her skull during her indoctrination training. She isn’t supposed to be happy, she is supposed to provide the happiness instead.

“You are not a Raider anymore. You are Tegan Rain Quin, always have been and always will be. I don’t care what the Supreme Government named you, I don’t care what Emy grumbles under her breath. I know who you are and that is all that matters. You never stopped being you.” Now Sara is crying too as she speaks, her face flushed with emotion.

“I-“ Tegan starts, an unknown and overwhelming feeling disrupting her thoughts.

Suddenly they are kissing, hands scrambling for purchase, eyes squeezed closed in passion. Tegan’s body seems to remember exactly even if she doesn’t, switching itself with Sara and pushing the other woman hard against the work bench. Sara gasps, one hand twisted in Tegan’s hair, the other cupping her jaw, head falling back as Tegan’s lips migrate down to her neck, sucking at the pulse point there. Their bodies are heated, Tegan’s hands frantically clawing up Sara’s shirt to cup her bra covered chest. Sara groans again at the feeling, pushing herself up to meld with the other woman’s body.

The sound of a door closing nearby pulls them out of their lust induced scramble, pulling apart panting, their hands melting away from each other’s bodies.

“I don’t want our first time to be in here.” Sara murmurs in a blushing Tegan’s ear as she pulls her close. Tegan feels a jolt run through her crotch at this notion. Sara wants this, wants her. 3086 retreats, Tegan shoving her backwards into a dark corner of her skull. Sara wants her. Sara… Sara does love her after all.

“I… We still need to talk about what I can remember.” Tegan says, fingers running down the other woman’s spine.

“We will.” Sara replies softly, her breath tickling Tegan’s neck.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you curious about how Stacy died/Tegan and Sara's connection with it all, the answer to all of your questions has finally been written! Also, major plot twist/action will occur with in the next couple of chapters so be ready! ;)

The sheets are cool against Tegan’s naked back as she lies on top of the crinkling comforter. She winces slightly as Sara pulls away the gauze covering her chest, steady hands smooth against her tanned skin. Sara examines the wound with careful eyes, brow scrunched in thought.

“It looks good Tee.” She finally decides, nodding her head in approval. “I don’t think you really even need a bandage anymore. It’s pretty much completely healed over.”

Tegan cranes her neck forward as much as she can, the slightly blurred picture of tight pink skin stretching over what used to be a sizable hole is reassuring. She is getting her strength back, her ability to fend for herself and those around her growing extraordinarily more important as what Ryan had spoken of earlier filters back through her mind. Scott and his cronies are planning an attack on what can only be assumed to be a large scale against the Raiders and the Dwelling. The retaliation of the Supreme Government and its forces will be brutal. Tegan has to be ready.

Sara checks the other woman’s leg next, humming with approval and removing the bandage from it for the last time as well. Today is a good day, a day of advancements, of forwardness. Sara loves her and wants to be with her and she is no longer the weakling that she’d been reduced to because of her injuries.

A surge of confidence swells within her as she thinks these thoughts, and she pats the empty spot on the bed beside her, making eye contact with Sara. Sara seems torn for the slightest of moments before walking around the side of the mattress and carefully laying beside Tegan, their limbs laying barely an inch away from the others.

“Sara, I had a memory of something particularly um… bad awhile ago and it’s been bothering me. I only got a piece of what had happened, the aftermath, and the need to know of all of the events has been eating away at my peace of mind.” Tegan’s hand crawls the short way over to Sara’s as she speaks, her sweaty palm looking for the slightest bit of comfort.

“What was it about?” Sara asks, her cold fingers applying reassuring pressure against the other woman’s, her mind racing.

“I uh… well you were very mad at me and said that I was drinking and that your friend had died because of me.” Tegan says softly.  
Sara sighs, pulling her hand away to rub at her eyes and sit up slightly. “I… Tegan that was a tough time.”

“But I killed her? She isn’t alive anymore because I killed her?” Tegan feels an unfamiliar emotion roar in her gut and wiggle up into her chest as she speaks. Her eyes water. Why is she so upset? Death has been an everyday part of her life in the Now… at least, until recently.

“Tegan… I, when I found out Stacy was gone I said some things that I shouldn’t have because I was upset over what had happened. It- It wasn’t your fault.” Sara’s eyelashes are heavy with little drops that weigh down her lids until they close for the briefest of moments.

“No Sara I need to know. Don’t sugarcoat things or change them because I cannot remember and you are afraid of how I will react to the news. I am no stranger to death, to the ending of a life. I have facilitated much of my knowledge of the subject myself with my own hands. Nothing you say can shock me.” Tegan wipes her eyes and tries to look confident. 3086 seems to return to her gaze slightly, hardening her emotions once more and placing them back into the corners of her skull. “Just tell me. I can no longer subsist on speculation and unknowing."

“You had agreed to work for our leaders, to build weapons for them. You abhorred the idea that what you were creating was only furthering a violence you thought could easily be ended if everyone just set down their weapons and left the other alone. This contradiction between your personal morals and the job you had been forced into led you to drink very heavily. W-When you were drunk you would get angry, yell at me or Ryan, throwing things, it was a very scary time for our family. I knew that you had no outlet for your frustration with the entirety of the situation but every time I would try to talk to you I would receive nothing but an imposing silence or the dismissive wave of a hand. I knew I was losing you, the image of the woman that I had loved was blurring.” Sara stops, sniffling and wiping her nose with the back of her hand.

Tegan lays staring at the ceiling in shock as the words wash over her like a harsh arctic wind, stinging her skin. She caused Sara innumerable pain. She was a monster before she was ever Raider Captain 3086 after all.

“I left one night after you’d passed out in our bed and I took Ryan with me. We went to Stacy’s place nearby, she was my best friend at the time and someone who I’d confided in. The next morning I went to work and brought Ryan along, leaving Stacy at her home. I didn’t expect you to show up at Stacy’s door, hungover, begging for me. You told me later that you’d puked all over Stacy’s porch and as she was yelling at you to get away and leave me alone for at least a couple of days, the sirens started going off. We were raided.”

“Was this the day I was taken?” Tegan asks.

“No. That day would come a year later. On this day I had hid in the basement of my clinic with Ryan and we waited it out. I was so scared for you because I loved you more than anything and I knew you were a high value target for the Supreme Government. As soon as the all clear was sounded I ran all the way back to our house in town and you weren’t there. I panicked so bad, crying, trying to figure out what to do. I took Ryan and headed back to Stacy’s hoping she would help me look for you and on the porch… I-I saw you and her.”

Sara sits up fully now, sitting facing away from Tegan with her legs hanging over the side of the mattress loosely, her shoulders hunched. Tegan’s hand ghosts over her back, unsure of what to do as she listens agonizingly.

“You were covered in blood and sobbing, your hands pressed down on a wound to Stacy’s chest. I didn’t have to be a doctor to know that she was gone but you wouldn’t give up, telling me to run and get bandages and to help her. I didn’t want Ryan to see you or the woman she’d come to think of as her aunt like that, and thankfully my mother came running up at that moment to see if I was okay. I gave Ryan to her and walked up to you, pulled you away from her body and checked you for injuries. I was like a robot then, too numb to really react to the fact that my best friend’s blood was literally dripping off of you. You kept mumbling about how they’d came and you’d been trying to find me and how she’d jumped in front of the bullet meant for you. I could tell you were still a little drunk because you were slurring your words and you stunk of booze, an acrid scent that was only worsened by the metallic bite of blood that came off of you in waves. You told me you were sorry and suddenly the gravity of the entire situation just hit me like a freight train and I lashed out. I said some terrible things, assumed I knew what had happened without asking you first, and then I left you. We didn’t see each other for a month and a half after that.”

“We weren’t together?” Tegan manages to get out, saddended by this revelation, shaking.

“I never officially left you but it took me awhile to cool down. I felt terrible about what I said once I did, like I was wrong for taking Ryan from you like that when she would ask where her Momma was. But it was something I had to do, a wake up call for you to figure your life out and you did. I was so proud when Ted told me that you’d stopped drinking and cleaned yourself up. You came up to where I was staying at my mother’s house a month and a half after Stacy’s death with a huge bottle of wine, a bouquet of flowers, and that little mechanical spider you’d first built for me after we’d first met. I’d tackled you and kissed you and told you never to scare me like that again.” Sara laughs, her face flushed with emotion at the memory.

Sara turns to face the woman beside her, their eyes meeting tiredly. “Like I said, it was a hard time for our family, but we got over it and our relationship only grew stronger in the aftermath. The way I see it, you being taken and wiped only to be returned to me is nothing but another obstacle in our path, and I refuse to be slowed down or daunted by it. We can get through this together and grow as we do. I love you, Ryan loves you, and that is all that should matter.” Sara leans down as she finishes, capturing Tegan’s lips in a tender kiss.

“I will not fail you.” Tegan reply softly as their lips pull apart.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the wait... life sucks sometimes. I hope this longer chapter and the content in it make up for it at least a little. I'm leaving a TRIGGER WARNING for this chapter because it does contain graphic descriptions of violence and torture.

The next couple of days pass by without much excitement, something that causes Tegan to feel disconnected from the world outside of the bunker, which in turn feeds a festering sense of frustration that she can’t seem to relieve. Her life as a raider left no time for idling around, and yet here she has no tasks to devote herself too. She takes this time to process what she can remember and what Sara has told her of the Before, trying to form a timeline in her head… a task that she is only mildly successful at. She occupies her body instead, spending long hours in the workshop refamiliarizing herself with the equipment and taking apart many of the things she’d previously built.

 Sara, meanwhile, spends most of her time going through the supplies that was stored in the bunker, enlisting the help of Ryan while she works at unearthing Tegan’s motorcycle and making lists of everything that they have available to them in case of an emergency. Her mind, too, is busy as it strays towards Tegan more often than not; the parts of the other woman that she can remember melding into the woman she sees today. If she tries hard enough she can pretend that none of this ever happened, as though the dwelling and Scott never even existed. But that would be unfair, an escape she cannot afford to give in too. And so she broods instead, and thinks of the future.

 

 

At the end of the first day, Ryan returns to her old room and Tegan and Sara sleep side by side in the room that they once shared after six years of separation. It feels… normal to be beside one another, even if a little awkward at first. Though they’d fallen asleep that first night on opposite sides of the bed, when they’d awoken, Tegan’s cheek pressed to Sara’s chest, her arm thrown across her torso, there was no strangeness between them any longer.

Their closeness also makes it increasingly harder for Tegan to subdue the intensity of the memories of her and Sara together, their bodies equally naked, pressed and bare against one another. She finds herself disappearing for long hours into her head only to return covered in sweat, pulsing between her legs nearly unbearable. She tries to tell herself that being close to Sara, kissing her and touching her like she’s been allowed to these past couple of nights after Ryan has gone to sleep, is enough to stay satisfied. She went without sex for the entirety of her time as a Raider, and she is afraid that her obvious inexperience would end up becoming too much of a turn off to the other woman if something was to end up sparking between them anyways. She too thinks on with little else to occupy her tiring emotions.

 

On the fifth day Emy and Ted return, knocking politely against the heavy metal of the front door this time. Tegan is in the workshop cleaning up her motorcycle, eager to have it running, so she doesn’t hear them arrive. Neither does Sara, who stopped in to see how she was doing and bring her some lunch. The plate had quickly become forgotten, however, as Sara had said something about how handsome Tegan looked in one of the old jump suits she’d found. The breath expended to form that comment hadn’t even the time to cool and disperse into the air before their lips were connected, Sara’s fingers grasping the shaggy hairs on the back of Tegan’s neck, Tegan’s hands gripping her waist tightly, fingers migrating up the back of the other woman’s shirt.

Ryan lets the two in, smirking as though she knows exactly what her parents are doing in the other room as she directs them to the workshop and disappears back where she came. Emy coughs and clears her throat obnoxiously as she takes in the scene before her, unreadable expression marring her features, Ted punching her in the arm and giving her a warning look in reply.

Pulling away Tegan blushes, Sara keeping one arm around the woman as she turns to face their friends.

“Well I see you two have been busy while me and Tedward were away.” Emy mocks, laughing as Tegan turns redder (if that is even possible) and buries her face into Sara’s shoulder.

Sara only laughs, patting her wife on the back and nodding her head, winking mischievously. “You better believe it Em. Old Teegs here has still got it, trust me.”

Tegan is confused by Sara’s words. How can she still have something that they’ve yet to do, something that she can’t even remember how to do? Does Sara even want sex? Maybe she is happy with the groping and the heated make out sessions they’ve been encompassed by in the dark of the night. If that is all Sara wants than Tegan really needs to get her urges under control.

She can’t help but feel tense at these thoughts, Sara misinterpreting and rubbing her locked back muscles with her long smooth fingers reassuringly. Tegan relaxes under her touch as Emy and Ted watch, her stiffness fading. Sara gives her a look before turning back to her friends and leading everyone from the workshop into the living kitchen area. Tegan knows that look. They’ll be another serious talk soon enough.

 

 

“Any word on Scott’s plans for retaliation?” Sara asks, mixing some sugar into her coffee as she stares across the table at her friends, other hand absent-mindedly rubbing Tegan’s thigh.

“He won’t tell us workers anything specific but I know it’s soon. He’ll want to go after them before winter truly sets in, that way their counter attack has a chance to be slowed down by the weather.” Ted replies, taking a sip from his own mug.

“That won’t slow them down.” Tegan pipes up.

“What do you mean?” Emy asks, voice harsh.

“Bad weather won’t stop them. They’ve got somebody high up in their Research and Development that really knows what they’re doing, like designing stuff that parallels something I would build. Their shuttles will cut through a snowstorm like a hot knife through butter. It’s interesting actually, I had plans drawn up for something exactly like it that I found the other day. They use a thermal coating on the outside metal and use the nuclear reactor inside the engine too generate massive amounts of energy which is then transferred to the-“

“Yeah yeah alright we get it nerd. Fancy shit makes us fucked no matter what. Appreciate it.” Emy interjects, sitting back in her chair with a dismissive wave of her hand.

“Oh Emy come on.” Sara says, looking disappointed as Tegan sits frozen, unsure of how to react. “She was only trying to help us out. We need to know this stuff.”

“Well she’s annoying with her stupid science talk. It’s too early for her bullshit my god.” Emy returns sharply.

“Emy what exactly have I done to you to make you dislike me so much? Was it in the Before?” Tegan asks. The table grows silent for a minute before Emy starts to laugh, eyes glinting dangerously. Ted gives Sara a wide-eyed warning look but it is far too late.

“Listen 3086 or Tegan or whatever you've decided to call yourself now, Sara was fucked up after you just pranced away into the sunset to save the day and never came back. I had to pick up the pieces because you wanted to go play hero. So I’m sorry if I’m a little pissed off that you just returned suddenly out of the blue in a fucking Raider uniform crying for Sara even though you hadno idea who she was and she just let you pick up as though nothing ever happened. _I_ was the one who was there for her _NOT_ you. _I_ was the one who held her when she woke up in the middle of the night with nightmares of you getting filled up with bullets and tortured. _I_ was the one who made sure Ryan had food to eat at night. You think you had it tough in fucking fancy town raiderville? Well trying being here watching innocents die because of disgusting creatures like you. I don’t care who you were once, you put on the uniform of a murderer and that’s all you are in my eyes now.”

Tegan stares at the woman before her, shock rippling through her body. Before Sara or Ted can react she is on her feet, leaning over the table with her hands pressed firmly against the wood.

“Emy I have no doubt that you struggled here and I cannot thank you enough for making sure Sara and Ryan were okay after I was taken, but I can assure you that I had it no easier there. I fucking woke up one day naked in a white room full of people wearing white uniforms and was immediately brainwashed. I didn’t know any better, I did what they told me to do because that was the only thing I knew. If I didn’t do what they ordered they’d kill me, and once I started remembering things I knew I had to get back to the Before somehow. I didn’t want to do the things I did. But I did them and that’s it, something _I_ have to live with, not you.”

“Fuck you 3086, playing the innocent martyr. It’s funny how you justify the blood on your hands with Sara, disgusting really. How do I know it wasn’t you that killed her mother huh? Because me and Sara and Ryan were forced to watch it happen, we couldn’t move or else they’d see us too. Just another emotionless, featureless, blank, helmeted drone off to do the Supreme Leader’s bidding right? I don’t care who or what you think you are, your kind killed an old woman too weak to get out of bed for the pure fun of it.”

“Emy stop.” Sara whispers, eyes welling up.

“Drew it out nice and long too. I still fucking hear her screams. First cut off the toes. Then dig the knife into the ankle bones, cut the Achilles tendon right in half.”

“Stop.” Sara says slightly louder. Tegan shrinks back in shock, as though a turtle trying to creep back into its shell, hands clenched into white-knuckled fists.

“Then they moved up to the knees, really made her scream there, cut her knee caps out and threw them onto the floor, right near where we were hiding, all bloody. Then, must have been their favorite part, carved up her breasts. An old woman 30-fucking-86! They mutilated an old woman’s breasts. Finally put her out of her misery after that, slit her throat. She gurgled for almost a minute before it got silent. They just up and left after that, another routine mission finished, ready to head back to their nice cold barracks to refreeze their hearts just in case, god forbid, even the slightest amount of humanity snuck back in. That's what you are 3086, do you hear me? That's what you are. A monster. A creature that kills without a care in the world. Tell me, how do you live with yourself?”

“Emy you need to stop.” Sara says much louder than before, eyes growing cold and stormy.

“You committed the crimes but you never paid for them. You just used all your fancy training to manipulate Sara into thinking your Tegan but we both know you aren’t. You’re just another bland disgusting killer. Do you hear their screams when you try to sleep at night like I hear Sara's mom's? Do you see all of the blood you spilled pooling on the ground in front of you? Because I can’t help but see the woman I thought of as the mother I never had bleeding to death every time I so much as catch a glance of you out of the corner of my eye, screaming for them to finish her off. She begged for death 3086. Begged for it. Tell me… did Lindsey beg for death after you beat the life out of her. Did she tell you to end it after you betrayed her? Huh? Did she 3086? DID SHE?”

“ENOUGH!” Sara finally roars, slamming her fist down on the table. “YOU NEED TO GET YOURSELF UNDER CONTROL RIGHT NOW EMILY! RIGHT FUCKING NOW!”

Tegan is shaking, eyes open but unseeing. She sees the blood, the death, the suffering. Her hands are coated in scalding heat, pooling in her palms and trickling between her fingers to drip steadily onto the floor. So much blood, everywhere. Sara is gone, the room is gone. She is back in the bathroom, her sobs echoing against the tile, Lindsey’s lifeless eyes staring up glossily from her broken face. The blood comes out of her ears, eyes, nose, mouth, in rivers, pooling at 3086’s feet. She is covered in death, laden down until she falls to her knees, no longer able to stand.

“I’m sorry.” She whispers to the body. “Please Linds please. I am so sorry. Please. Please. I am sorry.” It’s a mantra that she repeats over and over, voice lifeless and dull, as the blood soaks through her clothing and sinks stains into her skin. “Please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Try not to hate Emy here. Not excusing what she says or how she reacts but I hope that you guys can see how each character is dealing with the situations and why, not just Tegan or Sara! :)
> 
> Anyways thanks as always for being so awesome and reading and leaving kudos and maybe a comment?


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Plot twisssst

[[Log]] 48

[// 4 / 8 //]

*Access Code ##3086##*

Cached Video Log Will Play Now:

**.**

**.**

**LEAD RESEARCHER DR. JAMES AJAX SMITH ----- DEVELOPER 34**

**.**

**PROJECT OVERHALL STATUS: MISSION COMPLETE**

**.**

**.**

“Today is September 16, year 2046, and day 87 of Project Overhall. We have finally achieved success in our mission, and I am eager to present the conclusion and finished project to the Supreme Leader later today. In the meantime, however, in spite of the many other logs I have filmed marking our progress in this endeavor, I have been asked to conduct a brief overview of the project for those less inclined to watch 87 days of video footage.

**.**

The Supreme Leader gained intel on a high level target, one potentially harboring engineering skills superior to any of the researchers in our own lab. This target began building our enemy weapons that enhanced both their offensive and defensive capabilities rapidly. After several defeats of our forces due to this deficit between our equipment and theirs, the Supreme Leader ordered us to take care of the target. After conducting several raids, our intelligence managed to garner a location and we attacked swiftly, managing to capture her. Although the initial hope was to force her to work in our labs, she threatened to sabotage her own work and attacked several interrogators and one guard in several different instances. In light of this, we found her unable to complete the tasks we required, yet we still desperately needed her mind in order to gain the upper hand. Project Overhall was born shortly thereafter in a last ditch effort to turn the tide.

The goal of Project Overhall was, and continues to be, extraordinarily complex. What the Supreme Leader ordered me to do at first seemed so simple: get him a willing engineer faithful to the cause that had the brains of Subject 3086, the Target. How I went about completing this task, with nearly unlimited funding, was entirely up to me and what I thought could work. After brainstorming for several hours with the rest of my R&D Team, we came up with several potential ways to do this.

Although we had the new-found ability to wipe Subject 3086’s mind, we believed that doing so would also eliminate her ability to produce the weapons we needed. Another option was to wipe her mind and then transfer it to another host, someone who we knew for certain would fulfill the Supreme Leader’s orders without question. Once again, we were afraid that the new host would reject the transfer, and we would lose potentially the greatest asset we’ve ever had. Just as we were about to give up and try one of the first two options, I had one final idea. If we extracted enough of Subject 3086’s DNA, we could grow a genetically identical clone. There would be no worry about the new host rejecting the mind of one who is exactly the same.

We quickly settled on the third, wiping Subject 3086 and sending her to training. We didn’t take all of her, leaving several personality traits we hope will turn her into an effective leader of our more mindless warriors. She did act out a little in the beginning, something that ended up working in our favor. We took the DNA we needed from the blood and tissue left on the whip and set about growing Subject 3086’s clone. After a little over two months, the clone was ready, and we implanted Subject 3086 into it. These last couple of weeks we’ve been testing it to make sure that everything checks out. One unavoidable inconvenience is that the Clone, or Subject 3087, not only gained Subject 3086’s skills but also her memories. We are working on remedying that through negative reinforcement. The woman it cries for when it is scared or in pain, Sara I think, is a murderer who tried to kill it; their daughter, Ryan, held captive by Sara. The only way to save Ryan, we tell it, is to make the weapons we need get to where she is so we can help her.

 It is wholeheartedly brainwashed and set firmly towards the cause.

**.**

**.**

**.**

End Of Log 48

 

 

 

[[Log 49]]

[// 4 // 8 //]

*Access Code ##3086##*

Cached Video Log Will Play Now:

**.**

**.**

**LEAD RESEARCHER DR. JAMES AJAX SMITH ----- DEVELOPER 34**

**.**

**PROJECT OVERHALL STATUS: MISSION COMPLETE**

**.**

**.**

“This is the Lead Researcher of Project Overhall, Developer 34. The date is November 3, year 2052. I thought when I completed log 48 that it was to be the last, but it seems that unfortunately I was wrong.

Subject 3087 caught sight of Subject 3086 out a window yesterday. Thankfully Subject 3086 didn’t see Subject 3087, but I fear that the physiological blow to Subject 3087 psyche is going to severely limit our capabilities to produce the weapondry required at the moment, as we were forced to explain to Subject 3087 that it is a clone of Subject 3086. In light of that revelation, Subject 3087 has become very hateful and fueled by anger. It no longer wishes to kill Sara, wishing to kill Subject 3086 now instead. We do know that over the past several years there has been a degeneration in Subject 3087’s mental abilities: forgetting how to build something it's done many times before, getting confused when we question it on certain aspects of 3086's past relationships with Sara or Ryan. I am afraid things are finally reaching a breaking point.

Subject 3086 goes out on her final raid tonight. I have ordered her to be brought here upon her return so that Subject 3087 can kill her. It is the only way it will continue its work here, and if it fails to continue to produce I will be terminated. You can only bullshit The Supreme Leader for so long before he catches on.

**.**

**.**

**.**

End Of Log 49

The blood drips incessantly. 3086 is immobile as it pools at her feet, slowly filling up the tiny pitch black room she finds herself stuck in, panic and claustrophobia crackling beneath her skin. Death is finally coming to take his favorite delivery woman. It is only a matter of slow, meandering, tortuous time.

The blood reaches her mouth, then her nose. She smiles beneath the red liquid, and breathes in.

Finally.

 

 

“You know what Sara? Fuck you too! I’ve done everything I could to help and support you and Ryan and all I wanted was to have you by my side. That night we spent together still means everything to me. I’m sick and tired of being the better person and just watching you run off with this fucked up piece of shit!” Emy spits, gesturing towards Tegan, who stands frozen, her eyes completely glazed over, swaying slightly.

“Emy.” Suddenly Sara’s voice is soft, sympathetic. “Emy that night was a mistake okay? And while I don’t regret what happened, you had to have known that nothing was going to happen past that, even if Tegan hadn’t come home.”

“That’s not Tegan Sare! It’s not.” Emy’s eyes fill up with tears, rapidly losing her anger to the hurt blooming in her chest. “It’s not.”

“It is.” Sara says. “That is the woman I love more than life itself Emy. I love you and Ted both too, but nothing can ever come close to how I feel about Tegan. I just want you to understand that so you can move on okay? You need to move on.”

“Mom?” Ryan asks, appearing in the doorway. “What’s going on?”

“Everyone’s just a little tired right now Ry. It’s alright.” Sara sighs, giving Emy a pointed look and walking over to pull her daughter into a quick hug.

“But what’s wrong with Tegan?” Ryan asks, face paling over Sara’s shoulder as they all turn to watch the other woman fall backwards, head thunking soundly against the wall as her body meets the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you guys think about Subject 3087 ;P


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait... the reaction to the last chapter kinda blew me away and I wanted to make sure the content that follows lives up to you guys' expectations. This is a bridge chapter into the next one where shit is going to really start going down so stick with me and as always enjoy! :)

 “Shit.” Sara swears violently. “Somebody go get my bag!”

“What the fuck is going on.” Emy mutters with her hands running through her hair, huffing as Ted sprints by and knocks the wind from of her lungs, passing Ryan as she stands staring, eyes wide and shining.

“Tegan? Tegan sweetheart squeeze my hand if you can hear me alright?” Sara asks, voice shaking as she holds one limp hand in her own, her other pulling back Tegan’s closed eyelids with her thumb as she reaches her motionless frame. “Tegan please.”

“Here Sara.” Ted puffs, returning and dropping to his knees with the other woman’s medical bag.

“Thanks Ted. Can you get Ryan out of here please?”

“No mom. I’m not leaving. T-Tegan is my friend.”

Sara sighs in defeat, turning back to her unresponsive wife. “Okay. Ted pick up her legs so that they’re above her heart.”

“Got it.” The man replies briskly.

“Alright… okay.” Sara mutters, checking Tegan’s pulse and listening to her lungs, tilting the other woman’s head back. “Emy go dampen a washcloth with some cool water.”

Emy disappears, Ryan trailing behind her like a lost puppy, both returning a minute later. Sara wipes her sweaty hands on her pants, taking the cloth and pressing it lightly against the other woman’s sweat streaked forehead. Her and Ted both jump back in shock as Tegan’s eyes open violently at the touch, wide and panicked, and she vomits, choking and hacking as she tries to dispel the sickness from her burning throat.

“Okay Teegs okay.” Sara says, turning her onto her side, Ted letting go of her legs. “Fuck.”

“There’s blood!” Tegan yells as the retching in her throat ceases, thrashing around as Sara pulls her tightly against her chest. “Sara! You’ve gotta help her I messed up I shouldn’t have done it!”

“Tegan relax okay? I’ll help if you relax.” Sara yells over the other woman’s panicked cries, looking up to meet the other unsure faces in the room as Tegan slows, slurring her words slightly as they grow softer.

“Emy, Ted, can you guys go get something to clean this up? I think there are some old towels and some bleach in the storage room that should work.” Sara says, lines deep along her face, brow heavy. She lays Tegan down flat again, cupping her jaw in her hands as she looks down at the other woman’s flushed distressed face. “What hurts?”

“Help her.” Tegan moans. “There’s blood. The white is back to hurt again.”

“Help who Tegan? Tell me so I can okay?” Sara’s hands shake as she watches Tegan’s eyes roll lazily in their sockets. Ted and Emy return, giving Sara sharp uncertain looks as they start to sop up Tegan’s mess, wrinkling their noses.

Sara pats Tegan’s cheek, looking nervously at the other woman’s fluttering eyelids. “Tegan you need to focus on me okay? Focus on my voice. Tell me what’s up so I can help you. Please tell me.”

“They’re coming to kill us.” She groans, trying to sit up weakly.

“Who is? Focus and tell me who.” Sara says softly, gently pushing Tegan back down.

“I don’t know… I don’t… I… she is that’s all I know. I can feel it. My bones hurt I can feel it.” Tegan says, lifting up her hands so that they’re eye level. “So much blood. I think it’s in my mouth. Sara the blood is in my mouth!”

“Okay! Okay Tegan it’s fine I promise. Just focus on me and the blood will go away. There you go just breath with me.” Sara soothes, internally panicking as she watches the woman beneath her moan, her eyes scrunched closed. Emy leaves to get a mop, shooting a worried look in Sara’s direction as she goes.

“Tegan can you tell me where you are right now?” Sara asks calmly, feeling the back of Tegan’s skull for any lacerations.

“Where I am? Not the room… no not where she is no. Is the blood gone yet Sara? Is it gone?”

“Tegan you are safe with me and Ryan in the bunker. You remember the bunker right? You’re home and safe.”

“We won’t be safe for much longer! She’s mad. She’s going to come and hurt us we have to do something.“ Tegan tries once again to get up as she speaks, entire body shaking with effort.

“Tegan no! Lay back please!” Sara says, holding the other woman down as she fights back weakly, fingers clutching at the ones pressed firmly against her aching chest. “Ted there is a bottle with a label in my bag that says Midazolam. Can you grab that and a syringe for me please?”

“Sure Sare.” Ted replies, leaving the soiled towels on the ground and rummaging through Sara’s bag. He pulls out both items, setting them on the floor nearby, and takes Sara’s place holding Tegan down as she continues to weakly fight their touch, wheezing slightly. Sara unwraps the syringe, sticking it in the bottle and pulling up the stopper up to a precise dose of the sedative.  

“Okay Ted get her arm steady for me. Ryan get over here and help please.” Sara says calmly.

Tegan, nearly hysterical, fights back harder than ever. “No she’s coming! We don’t have any time we need to prepare or else the white is going to kill all of us Sara! I don’t want you to die please… I don’t want you to die!”

“Okay ready?” Sara asks, looking up. Ted and Ryan nod solemnly. The needle pierces Tegan’s skin, drawing a tiny dribble of blood as the sedative is pushed slowly into her vein. The flailing woman screams as it goes in, fighting harder than ever as she sobs, begging them not to hurt her too. Sara knows that Tegan doesn’t know what is going on, but the agony she sees in the other woman’s eyes digs deeply into her soul as she feels the body beneath her slow to a jittering stop. Only then does she allow herself to cry, hands gripping the sleeve of Tegan’s t-shirt as waves of nervous fear jolt through her chest, her tears soaking the now unconscious woman’s skin.

“M-Mom she’s going to be fine.” Ryan mutters, her own eyes watery as she pulls her mother into a tight hug. They embrace tightly over Tegan’s motionless form, Ted backing away and allowing them this moment. “She told me she wasn’t going to leave and I still believe that. Things are going to be okay she probably just had another weird flashback or something… it’ll be fine.”

Sara wishes she could believe that thought as strongly as her daughter, eager for some semblance of hope that things will return back to normal after this. She misses the other woman’s touch more than anything, eager to make up for their lost time. The doubts return, however, stronger than ever, eating away at her mind and causing fresh tears to trickle down her face and drip off of her jaw.

If she loses the one who holds her heart again, she isn’t sure her own be able to continue to beat on.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said, shit is finally going down ;)

Tegan returns to consciousness in the wake of one nightmare only to find herself stuck in another, this one equally as horrifying. Her body is cold, mind fuzzy and disoriented. She is lying on the couch in the living room, her face turned to the side. She feels like she is melting into the fabric beneath her as she watches the frantic figures in the dining room shout incoherent things to one another.

Emy is there, her long hair hanging off the head of the table as she lies on top of the wood table, motionless as blood drips onto the floor from wounds Tegan can’t see. Sara’s hands and arms are covered in blood as she works to repair the damage, her face twisted into a hard emotionless mask. Ted is beside her, doing what he can. Ryan is nowhere in sight.

An ache begins to grow inside Tegan’s skull as she watches, sharp arcs of agony shooting like bolts of lightning as they zig-zag across her scalp. A whimper squeezes its way from her lips as she scrunches her eyes closed, her ears ringing. A soft hand tentatively brushes against her brow, the faint image of Ryan’s concerned face drifting blurrily in and out of view as her eyelids crack back open.

“Tegan?” The girl whispers. “Tegan are you okay?”

Tegan whimpers again, trying to focus her scattered thoughts through the pain.

“Mom something is still wrong with Tegan!” Ryan calls towards the dining room, eyes welling up. Sara doesn’t reply, and Ryan turns back to the woman before her, a hopeless look on her face. “Please Tegan you need to snap out of this. I-I think I’m going to lose Em already. I can’t lose you too okay? Please… Mom can’t lose you again either.”

Tegan groans in response as more feeling to her limbs slowly return, ache in her head starting to recede slightly. “Ryan.” She mutters.

“I’m here.” Ryan replies, looking back at her Mother who is still working on Emy before turning back to Tegan.

“Wasss goin on?” Tegan gets the words out the best her can, her lips slow and uncooperative leaving her words slurred.

“Um” Ryan gulps. “You know how I told you that Scott was going to attack the dwelling and stuff? Well somehow the Supreme Leader found out about it and he kind of attacked first.”

“Em?”

“H-her and Ted went back to camp this morning right before the attack and she was hurt really bad trying to fend them off. Mom is trying everything she can but I think it’s too much… I mean I don’t know because I’ve only helped Mom a couple of times and I’m not a doctor like her or Gram and I could be completely wrong but she was shot four times in the chest and it took Ted like an hour to get her here on the back of a horse because that’s all he could find and I think camp is completely destroyed and now Emy’s going to die and-“

“Isss okay.” Tegan says, trying to sit up now. She sways uncertainly, Ryan quickly snapping out of her slight breakdown and helping the woman. Tegan blinks slowly. “Are they stillll attacking?”

“I don’t know… probably.” Ryan replies.

“Watch her for a minute Ted.” Sara can be heard saying, the sound of running water drowning out any other words spoken.

When Sara walks into the room, blood scrubbed clean from her hands and arms but not from her clothing, her eyes tired, Tegan tries to stand.

“Whoa whoa Tegan take it easy okay?” Sara says, stepping forward and steadying the woman in front of her. At the other woman’s touch, Tegan can feel more strength return to her body and she manages to stay standing.

Sara pulls her into a hug, one hand cradling the back of the other woman’s head. “Are you okay?”

“M’fine Sara. Ryan said that your Outsider camp is being attacked.” Tegan replies as they pull apart, their lips pressing together briefly in a chaste kiss as she finishes speaking.

“Yeah, Ted and I are going to head out within the hour to try and help in any way we can. Once I ensure that Emy is stable you and Ryan are going to stay here and make sure she’s alright while we’re gone. Ryan she is going to be okay so try not to worry so much. I’m very optimistic at this point.”

“I am not staying here.” Tegan replies shortly as Ryan sighs in relief at her mother’s words. “I am not allowing you to leave and get hurt. I am feeling much better than I did only moments ago, and even if I didn’t I have fought under much worse health and condition. Let me put my armor on while you finish here and we will go.”

“Tegan no. You where in bad shape a couple of hours ago. There is no way you’re fit to do any fighting alright?” Sara says, pulling away.

“Sara this isn’t a choice for you to make. I go to ensure your safety as my number one concern. And not only that, don’t forget that I also was a high-ranking Raider who led the Raiders that are attacking now. I know their tactics, their organization, their levels of skill, their weapondry. Your people need my expertise if they want to survive this.”

Sara sighs, hands on her hips as she looks down to the floor, defeated. “Fine. I swear though, one stupid move and I’m knocking you out and dragging you back here. After this is over we need to have a serious talk about last night too okay?”

“Understood M’am.” Tegan grins, her initial disorientation and headache dissipated and forgotten.

 

 

With the heavy weight of her old armor resting on her shoulders, Tegan feels invincible. The part of her that Raider Captain 3086 still lives in smiles and flexes its muscles, eager to get back to work. Sara stands beside her, a lightweight mesh armored vest with a leather jacket thrown carelessly over it covering her torso, her medical bag filled to the brim with supplies slung over her back. Ted wears the same, a modified motorcycle helmet with the outsider’s symbol, a tree with a blade sunken into its roots, painted on the side masking his features. They’d left Ryan in the safety of the bunker with strict instructions not to open the door for anybody, even if they’re someone she knows or if they’re hurt. The girl had agreed, hugging them all tightly as they made their final preparations and left.

Now, forty-five minutes later, they’re standing on the very outskirts of the now destroyed Outsider camp, scattered bursts of gunfire, the shrill screams of the wounded, and the sharp scent of smoke obscuring their senses.

“They haven’t begun to pull out yet.” Tegan observes quietly. “Usually the main goal of a Raid is to inspire fear in the enemy and to cause as much damage as possible. They’ve already had more than enough time to complete their task… there must be another reason why they came.” As she finishes, she unslings the assault rifle Ted had handed to her back at the bunker and casually flips off the safety with her thumb. “Let’s see if we can find anything that might be able to clue us in as to what they’re really here for.”

The three advance forward; Tegan’s predatory stance taking the lead, Sara inching cautiously behind her with her handgun raised upwards, Ted taking up the rear with two semi-automatic pistols resting in his heavy grip.

A Raider leaps from a tree branch with no warning, nearly falling on top of Sara. Tegan turns, growling, and slams the butt of her gun against the side of his helmeted head. As he slumps to the side, unconscious, Tegan sends a single round into his neck. He gurgles on his own blood as they step over his body and continue to advance, Sara glancing back at the twitching form lying crumpled on the ground behind them.

Another Raider takes several timed shots at them from on top of a roof. Tegan takes one glance up, returning her fire. As Ted fires off several shots with his machine pistols to pin the woman down, Tegan stands from their cover, aims, and picks off the sniper from her perch. As they pass by, Tegan kicks the body from where it had fallen to the ground, sending another bullet into the back of the corpse’s head for good measure. Sara shivers at the cold brutality of the display, slightly sickened.

3086 has filtered back into Tegan's psyche, her actions practiced and smooth. When the woman glances back at Sara, however, a glimmer of Tegan still resides in her irises. It's enough for Sara to breathe a little easier, trying to convince herself that 3086 is more helpful in this situation than Tegan would be anyways. It only kind of works.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I replied to some comments and said that I was going to reveal why the Raiders attacked buuuut this chapter happened instead so next chapter I promise! :)

The center of the Outsider camp is seemingly deserted, blood splatters and several Raider’s bodies lying on the ground, their black armor melted and contorted to varying degrees. Tegan walks up to one and nudges it face up with her boot, wrinkling her nose as she leans down to investigate.

“Fucking 4160. I’m surprised he lasted as long as he did. Fucking loser.” She scoffs, patting the dead man’s armor and pocketing the extra ammunition she finds on his person. “I don’t know how he made it through his indoctrination training, spineless piece of shit.”

“Tegan come on.” Sara says softly. “They’re obviously dead. We need to try and find Scott.”

“Yeah okay.” Tegan replies distractedly, spitting on the corpse as she stands up and growls under her breath. “That’s for 3091 motherfucker.”

“Who’s 3091?” Ted asks as they start moving again.

“She was a veteran, tried to help him out on a Raid after he lost his nerve and was killed trying to save him. If the idiot had just stuck to his training and listened to what me and the rest were trying to tell him then they both would probably still be here. Bastard deserved what he got long before now.”

“I thought Raiders didn’t care about one another though. You told me yourself that if one of you got hurt nobody helped them right away because it was thought that they deserved to suffer.” Sara questions.

Tegan sighs. “Most didn’t and they were in the majority. A few of us who’d been around a long time eventually started to reject our indoctrination training and came up with our own way of doing things… we looked out for each other.”

“Sara! Don’t move!” A man’s voice, a voice Tegan recognizes instantly, her face twisting into a sneer as she turns with her gun raised. Scott.

“Scott no!” Sara yells. “It’s Tegan she’s with us!”

Scott appears in the doorway of a nearby building, alone with his gun raised. “So that’s where that fucking Raider went. I had a sneaking suspicion that you’d side with the enemy Sara, I really did. But Ted? Come on my man I really thought you were better than this.”

“Scott stop for a minute okay? Tegan is a friendly. Don’t question her loyalties, she’s here to help.” Sara says, lowering her weapon and pushing Tegan’s down as well, shooting the woman a warning look. _Behave._

“I don’t believe you.” Scott replies, anger twisting at his words. “Sara your own mother was killed by one of these freaks, how can you stand there next to one and be okay?”

“I refuse to judge her actions based on those of others. You arrived to camp after Tegan was taken but I’ve told you enough about her. She’s a little rougher around the edges now but she’s still Tegan. Ted wouldn't be standing here next to us if he didn’t think so.”

“Ted you believe this shit?”

“Wholeheartedly.”

Slowly, the gun is lowered, Scotts threatened stance slouching in defeat. “If she tries anything I’m not going to hesitate.”

Tegan snorts. “Please. You wouldn’t have a chance pal. Don’t think I don’t want to kill you as slowly as I fucking can after the shit you pulled when I was first captured. You were lucky I was already weakened or you wouldn’t have made it to this day, that I can promise you.”

“Yet who was crying like weakling for Sara huh? Don’t think we didn’t hear you, most pathetic thing I’ve ever heard. Truly a noble warrior.” Scott mocks. He isn’t quick enough to redraw his weapon as Tegan grabs him by his shirt collar and pins him up against the wall of the crumbling façade behind them.

“Do not call me noble. My actions while under the command of the Supreme Leader were for self-preservation not some sort of sick justice like yours. I didn’t have a choice, you did. And you chose to abuse your power. You are the weak one here not me.”

“Tegan put him down! We need to work together here, you two can go do your macho fight another time. We need to know what is going on and right now… that needs to take top priority.” Sara interrupts, exasperated tone tinged with worry.

“Fine.” Tegan grumbles, sounding more like a scolded school child then a certified killer decked in high-tech bulky armor. She lets him go and he crumples to the ground for a moment before catching his breath, giving Tegan a smoldering look as he stands and brushes himself off indignantly.

“Is that building safe?” Sara asks pointing to the one behind them where Scott had emerged earlier. The man nods sullenly, and the trio follows him inside, Ted and Sara sitting down across from Scott at a table that has miraculously remained intact, Tegan leaning against the wall with her arms crossed, her face pulled into a frown.

“Come here.” Sara says softly, gesturing Tegan over. The woman shakes her head good naturedly and walks over, allowing herself to be pulled into a reassuring kiss. “Try not to stress so much. He’s harmless.” Sara whispers in her ear as they break apart. Tegan goes back to her wall, this time with a crooked smile on her face.

“Scott, I need you to tell me exactly what happened from the beginning of the attack until now.” Sara says, leaning back in her seat.

“Alright…” Scott seems to think for a moment before starting to speak. “Well the sirens went off like usual but instead of the normal sized Raid with a couple dozen shuttles and them like burning our crops and stuff there were probably a good hundred and fifty and they immediately started causing absolute chaos. Yelling and shooting and setting tons of buildings on fire, way more aggressive than usual. I fought for a couple of hours until out of the five guys that were with me, I was the only one left. I holed up here hoping for the best when you guys came strolling down the street like you owned it.”

“So you have no idea why they would come here?” Tegan asks.

“None what so ever besides the whole we’re enemies who are trying to destroy one another thing.” Scott jabs sarcastically. “You’re the fucking Raider! Why don’t you know?”

A massive roaring sound echoes through the deserted streets, the sounds of shuttle engines, something Tegan’s ears know very well.

“They’re leaving.” She says. “We need to get back to the bunker. There isn’t anybody left here but us. We can figure out what to do from there.”

“Sounds good to me.” Ted sighs, standing up and reaching for the reassuring weight of his guns. “Let’s get gone.”

Sara stands up quietly, grabbing her bag. Scott looks at all of them frantically. “Wait you just come gallivanting in here and now you’re just going to leave like that? What if there are injured people out there that need help! You’re a doctor Sara you can’t just turn your back on them.”

“Any survivors will have disappeared into the woods by now. The Raiders executed anybody still alive before they left, standard protocol on a special raid like this. Survivors mean witnesses to whatever the hell they were doing, and they don’t like that shit.” Tegan says, striding out the door. Scott doesn’t argue this time, following behind silently.

 

 

The walk back to the bunker is quiet. The Raiders are long gone, traces of their presence everywhere, from the civilian casualties shot execution style in the backs of their heads to the torched buildings and desecrated belongings of the dead. Tegan doesn’t look twice at the carnage as they stumble through it, Sara, Scott, and Ted staring wide-eyed at the damages.

Tegan’s hackles raise as they get close, slowing down and pulling her gun back up into a firing position. “Sara something isn’t right here.”

“What? Tegan Ryan is in there!” Sara sounds frantic, pulling her gun from its holster insider her jacket and trying to push ahead.

The door to the bunker is wide open, the metal dented. Tegan shoves Sara to the side, entering with her gun up.

“Ryan?” She calls worriedly. A sharp pain in her skull replies, darkness filling her vision as she hits the floor with a solid thunk, motionless.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go folks... enjoy!

“Emy what the fuck!” Sara yells, lunging at the other woman and forcing her to drop the fire extinguisher she’d used to bludgeon Tegan in the head with.

“That motherfucker took Ryan! She fucking took Ryan! I’m going to kill that piece of shit why didn’t you listen to me sooner? I told you she wasn’t Tegan and she isn’t! Ryan trusted her!” Emy rages, blood oozing from the wounds in her chest.

“Stop yelling! Stop! You need to calm the fuck down!” Sara yells back as she tries desperately to understand what is going on. “Ted can you get Tegan on the couch again for me?”

Ted quietly picks Tegan up, straining slightly under the weight of her armor, and lays her gently on the couch. He stares at the hand that had been cradling her head worriedly, fresh blood staining his palm.

“Sit down!” Sara orders, physically forcing Emy into a chair. “You’d better have a damn good explanation for what the fuck is going on right now! Where is Ryan!”

“Ryan.” Emy wheezes, staring to feel the effects of her injuries now. “Tegan fucking showed up here and took her. Ryan was so happy to see her and then Tegan fucking shoved her around and took her. Threw her over her shoulder kicking and screaming. I tried Sara. I tried so hard to protect her but I couldn’t. Tegan had other Raiders with her and they hit me really hard on the head to knock me out after I’d already gotten a good look at Tegan. It’s like they wanted me to see her take Ryan… stick it in my face that I was right even though nobody would listen to me. Fucking BITCH!”

Sara forcibly restrains the woman as she lunges for Tegan’s unconscious form nearby, close to tears now. “Stop! She didn’t do anything Emy she was with us the whole time! Calm down and tell me what happened to my daughter… please!”

“They took her. I don’t care what you say, the monster that grabbed her and took her away was Tegan.” Emy says stubbornly. “I know what I saw.”

“No.” Sara says, shaking her head. “Emily fucking Storey you better tell me right now who took my daughter this isn’t cool. You’re beef with Tegan has NOTHING to do with Ryan being taken by them! I need you to tell me who really came and took her. I’m done playing games with you... I love you to death but this is fucking ridiculous.”

“Sara I promise you that it was Tegan. Everything: the build, the facial features, the way she walked, her hair was the same, she had the same tone of voice that Tegan did, she was wearing the same armor that Tegan is wearing now. The only difference is that when Tegan came here and took Ryan her eyes were red. Completely. No iris or pupil or anything. Just plain blood red. I always knew she was a fuckin demon.”

“Emy there is no way… Tegan was with us the entire time! Fuck my daughter’s life is in danger why can’t you be honest with me!” Tears are running down Sara’s cheeks now, shaking her head in desperation. “Please Em… please. I’m begging you here.”

“I’m going to radio the other camps we’ve made contact with and let them know what happened. They’ll mobilize immediately and we’re going to go full force against the dwelling. The executions tonight went too far over the line. We’ll get Ryan back Sara, I promise.” Scott speaks up, pulling the one working radio left after the purge he’d ordered weeks ago out of his jacket and setting it up in the table, starting to tune it carefully.

Sara opens her mouth to reply when Tegan groans, shifting slightly as her eyes open. “Sara?”

“Tegan!” Sara is over at her side in a moment, cupping her jaw gently. “Are you alright?”

“My head hurts like a bitch.” She mutters, her brow wrinkling in pain.

“Good I hope it fuckin hurts!” Emy yells, holding her chest.

Choosing to ignore the yelling, Tegan asks the first question that pops into her mind. “Ryan?”

“Someone, we don’t know who, took her. Emy is convinced it was you and that’s why she’s acting like a lunatic.” Sara replies seriously.

“No… Sara you know I would never-“

“I know Tegan… I know. I trust you with my whole heart and I’d believe you even if you hadn’t been with us the entire time. I don’t suspect you at all don’t worry.”

 

Ted, while all of this commotion is occurring, walks over to the corner of the room, looking up and eyeing the device mounted where the wall and the ceiling meet. A camera.

“Sara does this thing work still?” He asks, looking over at his shoulder. Sara stares at him quizzically for a moment before realization dawns in her eyes.

“Tegan, don’t move okay. Emy you don’t move either!” She orders, jogging over. “Shit I forgot about that! Can you reach it?”

Ted stands up on his toes, unhooking the camera from its mount and switching its image projector on, the video cached from the hours before floating paused in the air between them. Carrying it back and setting it down on the coffee table, the occupants of the room sit forward to stare at it intently, Sara’s shaky finger pressing play.

The first two hours of the footage are quiet, Ryan walking in the accelerated motion of the camera’s fast-forward setting between Emy who was still lying on the table and the kitchen to rewet the cloth covering the injured woman’s brow and back, speaking with her and holding her hand in between.

Halfway through the following hour is when it happens. The door is kicked in unceremoniously, Ted pausing the footage and zooming in on the face of the first person to enter. It is unmistakingly, shockingly, Tegan Rain Quin. Though the image is grainy, the resemblance leaves no room for error.

“What the fuck did I say? What did I fucking say? I told you it was her why didn’t you believe me?” Emy starts to rave again, sweat pouring down her brow. Scott stands behind her, shell shocked. Ted, silent.

Tegan and Sara sit frozen, eyes wide as the stare at the screen. There is no absolute way and yet there obviously is… somehow. Ted presses play again and they watch as “Tegan” walks over to Emy, spits on her, and then proceeds to grab Ryan who had approached her for a hug and wrestle her out the door. The two other Raiders that had accompanied Emy knock her hard on the head as she tries to stumble them, and she falls to the ground unconscious.

“That is not possible.” Sara says quietly. “Tegan never left my side the entire time and I have never seen her eyes that color red. This has got to be a trick… something they’re using to mess with our heads. They must know that Tegan has defected at this point.”

“Either that or they’re more technologically advanced then we’ve previously thought. Like, by a lot.” Scott says, crossing his arms.

“What do you think Tegan?” Ted asks. “You’d know more about this stuff then we do. Could they have tricked the camera somehow? How is this possible?”

“I… there is something but I don’t… I don’t want to believe that they would ever possibly do this. It’s unethical it’s… it’s…” Tegan fights for words.

“Spit it out already! Give us your lame excuse.” Emy jeers.

“I think… I was the first and they targeted me because of my brain. I wouldn’t tell them… no I fought back so they took me and my memories… argh!” Tegan cries, grasping her head as a sharp bolt of pain lances through it. “They cloned me and implanted my mind into it. Oh fuck why didn’t I think of this sooner…. no… this is bad… this is so bad. Unless, unless that is me and I am the clone. What… what… Sara how do I know can you check me? I don’t want to hurt you this is not good… oh god why.”

Sara sits, paralyzed as the gravity of the situation falls onto her shoulders, Tegans full blown panic muted in her ears. Is the Tegan beside her who she thinks she is? Or is the awful demonic creature that broke a reinforced steel door in with its foot and dragged her only daughter away from her, possibly forever, the woman that she fell in love with all those years ago?

No. This can’t be happening.

No.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please take the time to leave me a comment or shoot me a message on tumblr. I'd love some feedback :)

 “Sara?” Emy finally breaks the silence. “It’s going to be okay. We’re going to figure this out.”

Sara looks up at the woman, her eyes glistening. “I’ve tried so hard to make sure that everything was okay. I took care of Ryan after Tegan was gone and grieved in private so I didn’t expose Ryan to that kind of pain. I put aside my doubts and nervous feelings when I found Tee again because she was injured and extremely sick. I bandaged her wounds, I calmed her down after flashbacks, I tried so hard to keep the peace between the two of you. And this is what I get in return, nothing but more things to figure out, more things to reassure everyone else that it’s going to be okay even though inside I am scared to fucking death. My daughter has been taken from me just like Tegan was and I just found out that my wife and soul-mate was cloned and we don’t know which one we have. But it’s okay you know? Just give me a minute and I’ll figure it out. I’m a doctor, I solve other people’s problems… it’s my job.”

“Sara no.” Ted mutters, walking over and pulling the woman into his chest as she begins to sob, her body wracked and heaving with emotion. “Just let it out. Everyone needs to chill and figure themselves out right now.”

“No god Tegan must be losing it right now. Where did she go? I need to go find her she shouldn’t be alone.” Sara says, suddenly wide eyed and frantic. “I don’t care if she’s the clone or not I know she’s my Tegan… I need to make sure she’s okay.”

Ted forces her down when she tries to stand. “No Sare. She’s a big girl, she can take care of herself.”

Scotts radio crackles and he leaps towards it. “… ThfsoihfScott?”

“Yeah! I’m here Joe!”

“Tsdflk….lshf… on our fsifd way.”

“Awesome we’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

“Ten fsdifhgih four.”

“See? Everything is going to work out. We’ll have Ryan back by tomorrow night.” Scott says cheerily, clasping his hands together and smiling.

 

The planning takes hours. Tegan doesn’t show her face, and Sara is worried sick. Despite Ted and Emy’s reassurances that Tegan had calmed down and walked from the room quietly, she can’t help but picture the other woman scared and alone somewhere, the realization of having a double, and possibly being that double, must be horrifying.

 Finally, they are done. Nothing else can be figured out until the other Outsider leaders arrive, which Scott reassures them will be soon. Slowly everyone makes their way out to find a place to sleep, until Sara is left alone, her head in her hands, sitting at the table.

Tegan. Tegan is still gone.

She checks every nook and cranny of the storage room. Nothing. Same thing in their room, and in Ryan’s silent bedroom. She cries in its emptiness, sniffling as she sits on her daughter’s comforter and runs her hand along the spots that are still crinkled from where Ryan’s body lay only the night before. It is a strange feeling to realize how much can change in such a short period of time, how something so positive can take such a drastic upsetting turn into the dark. She knows this too well, drained and exhausted.

The last place she inspects is the workshop. She kicks herself for not thinking of this room earlier, she knows this is Tegan’s safe place. Sara can see that the woman is beyond drunk as soon as she spots her, where she found the various bottles of vodka and whiskey that lie empty around her she doesn’t know. All of the liquor had been removed When Tegan had decided to become sober… before everything in their newly perfected lives went to hell the first time. She tries not to let the fact that Tegan had squirreled away the alcohol somewhere and didn’t tell her about it upset her too much, the time for that anger having long since passed.

“Tegan?” She asks, kneeling down beside the woman. Tegan doesn’t move from where she sits slouched against the wall, her head hanging, a half empty container held loosely in her other hand. Sara forces the other woman’s head up, sighing as she finds tear tracks and dried drool coating her face. “Tegan wake up!”

Tegan does so lethargically, eyes blinking lazily at Sara, licking her lips. “Oh no.”

“Yeah oh no… why the hell are you drinking like this?”

“I don’t know who I am.” Tegan mutters. “I could be the fake and the sick fuck who has my face could be me. I-I… what if the memories I hold of you and Ryan are just snippets copied and pasted from another’s brain?”

“Shit.” Sara groans, her head in her hands as she rocks back on her heels. “I don’t hold the answers Tegan, and honestly I don’t want to know right now. I don’t care whether you are the clone or not, you are the embodiment of the woman I know I love. If the disgusting creature that broke in here and took our daughter was once that woman then what I had with her is over. You mean everything to me now and that is all that should matter.”

“Ryan…” Tegan slurs. “Ryan was right not to trust me.”

“No she’s going to be fine and so are you. You need to come with me and sleep this off, there is a large contingent of Outsiders on their way here for a meeting tomorrow. We are going to plan and execute an attack and destroy those mofos in the Dwelling once and for all. The massacre tonight was all it took to get everyone to agree to work together. We have a far larger chance at winning now and we are getting out daughter back I promise you.”

“Tomorrow night will be too late. It doesn’t take them long! The white knows exactly what to do… She knows what to do. She hates us, She hates me. I have to go Sara… Ryan doesn’t deserve to suffer.”

Tegan tries to get up, stumbling and keeling over hard. Sara catches her and pushes her back down on the floor, pointing her finger into her chest sternly. “No. You’re drunk. Come with me and sleep this off. You running off into the woods to take on the Dwelling by yourself is only going to result in more unnecessary death, permanent this time. I can’t survive that again.”

“No Sara She wants me… She wants me.” Tegan moans as Sara forces her up and into their bedroom.

“Well that sucks because she can’t have you. You’re mine and I’m not letting you run off and be the hero without me. The time for that has come and gone; we live together or we die together, no one will be sacrificing anything this time.”


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3087 is probably my new favorite character to write. Not sure why but I love the insane ones lol

Ryan’s head pounds as she wakes, sitting up gingerly after regaining consciousness and glancing around, nervous and unfamiliar with her surroundings. Her eyes widen as her gaze takes in a massive machine that seems to encompass the entire room she is sitting in the middle of, everything from the cot and small kitchen beside it to the window seeming to be built around it. It makes up the walls, humming, some part always moving and releasing little puffs of smoke or steam.

“Well well… look who finally decided to wake up. Thought I might’ve hit ya a little too hard there for a second.” A voice, a figure emerging from the smog.

“Tegan?” Ryan asks nervously as the woman walks into view, blood colored eyes flashing, bloody lab coat carelessly thrown over her shoulders, cracked goggles pushed up onto her forehead glinting. “Tegan what is going on? What is the matter with your eyes? Where’s mom?”

“Mom?” 3087 asks questioningly, seeming to think for a moment. “Oh you mean that bleeding heart failure of a doctor right? See I don’t know and honestly I don’t care. Maybe my men ended up killing her… that’d be a wonderful bit of news to receive on this already fine day wouldn’t it?”

“Your men?” Ryan asks confused, trailing off for a minute before look up at the woman before her, eyes hardening. “Emy was right all along.”

“Oh this sounds fantastic I love a good story!” 3087 says exuberantly, clapping her hands together. “Please… tell me more!”

“What do you mean tell you more? You know Em didn’t trust you because you came back a Raider and we know that the Supreme Government freaks brainwash them. Apparently you’re just a really good actor or something because you even won over Mom. Sick fuck.”

“Oh I am going to have so much fun when everyone arrives.” 3087 crows happily, smiling widely. “Just wait Ryan… you’re in for a truly marvelous time.”

 

 

 

“The meeting is in ten minutes. The last group to arrive just got here.” Scott says quietly.

Sara nods tersely, making brief eye contact with Tegan beside her before gesturing forward. “Lets go.”

The unfamiliar men and women seated at the table look up, eyeing the pair closely as they walk in. Tegan, dressed in her Raiders armor, stands behind Sara, one hand resting firmly on the recently modified handgun at her hip.

“Um first of all I’d like to thank you for coming.” Sara stutters nervously.

“Cut the shit when are we going in? You aren’t the only one with a score to settle you know.” A woman, knife twirling carelessly in her palm, speaks up.

“Hey what’s up with the Raider fucker? We get to kill it as a warm up or what?” Another, this time a grizzled young man, scar running angrily down his cheek.

“No you will not. This is Tegan, formerly known as Raider Captain 3086. She once belonged to our camp and was captured by the Dwellers because of her brilliant engineering skills. She led a Raid here a month ago and defected back to our side. She knows more about all of this then we do so either give her the respect she deserves or get the fuck out. We don’t need you or your men if you are going to be belligerent.” Ted speaks coolly, connecting his gaze with everyone at the table. At the silence he receives as a reply, he nods and steps back, allowing Scott to step forward.

“Ok here’s the deal. We all know that the Dwellers built a massive wall around their city, and we also know that they are almost entirely self-sufficient and only need to allow two things in and out: Raiders and sewage. Our plan is to take a small group and go in through the large pipes that drain into a river about a mile and a half away from the Dwelling. Once we get inside our main force needs to attack with everything they’ve got… just to keep them busy. Meanwhile the smaller group will get to the main sewage containment area and climb up the ladders that are beside the pipes up into the Supreme Leader’s home. We’ll come up through a manhole about a quarter of a mile away, sneak in, kill him, and they don’t have anything left to fight for… game over.”

“And how do we know that killing the Supreme Leader will make them stop fighting? Can’t the next highest ranking member simply take over?” A voice in the back pipes up.

Tegan steps forward. “The Supreme Leader isn’t a human being to the Dwellers, he is a god. The entire system will collapse if he is taken out because the Dwellers and Raiders are taught from the moment they are wiped that he is immortal and to take direction only from him. Literally no decisions are made involving the city without his approval, and without him to give that approval his Raiders won’t have orders and the entire thing will fall apart.”

“Makes sense except for the fact that every time we are Raided, the Supreme Leader isn’t there telling each Raider what they need to do.”

“He gives them a task and they fulfill that task. Orders are handed down the line so any direction given by the Supreme Leader will make its way to everyone rapidly. If the Supreme Leader is killed there will be mayhem because he is ultimately the one who makes all of the decisions. If we killed someone you thought was immortal and told you what to do everyday you’d freak out too.”

“And what is in all of this for us?”

Sara speaks up, her eyes flashing. “How about safety? Or maybe securing a life for our kids that doesn’t include fearing when the next Raid is going to be or if you’ll be able to hide in time before they kill you or wipe your memory.”

“Fair enough.” The man concedes. “We might as well get going then… the sooner we wait the greater the chance is that they’ll be ready for us.”

 

Sara tosses what she can into her medical bag, slinging it across her armor and jacket just like before as Tegan comes up behind her and pulls her into a soft kiss. Ted stands beside them stuffing extra ammunition into his pockets as the woman who had been twirling the knife earlier, Jane, shoves the blade along with several others into hidden sheaths scattered across her body.

Emy scowls, watching them from the door. “I still don’t get why I can’t come. I love Ryan just as much as you all do and I want to kill some fucktard Raiders.”

“Yeah well you should’ve thought about that before you reopened all of your wounds knocking Tegan on the head yesterday.” Sara retorts, shaking her head at the other woman from over Tegan’s shoulder as they hold each other in a steady embrace.

“Oh like I was supposed to know that they cloned Tegan right?” Emy rolls her eyes.

“Well you should’ve checked her eyes first.” Sara replies, looking into the thoughtful brown ones before her. This has to be her Tegan…

“Whatever Sara.” Emy scoffs.

“Hey come on.” Sara pulls away from Tegan and walks towards the other woman, pulling her into a hug. “You have to focus on healing. If something happens to me or Tegan, Ryan is going to need you and Ted okay? I am counting on you two to make sure she is safe if we don’t come home.”

“No Sare… just… no. Don’t do that.” Emy turns away. “You’re going to be fine. The brilliant freak behind you will make sure of that.”

Tegan snorts as Jane punches her in the shoulder. “Look at you tough guy. I’ll bet you aren’t as badass as you look.”

Patting the other woman on the shoulder, Ted smirks. “I wouldn’t try it if I were you.”


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you guys think please! Reviews, kudos, and/or messages on tumblr are highly motivating ;P

The coolness of the night calms the anxiousness Tegan feels, her back to the cab of the truck they’d borrowed from one of the other Outsider leaders, Sara laying between her legs propped against her chest. Ted is on the other side driving, Jane in the passenger seat of the rusty machine, its headlights illuminating the swirling fog surrounding them as it cuts through the early morning gloom.

The main diversionary attack is scheduled to occur shortly after dawn, Scott staying behind to help orchestrate it, giving Sara a lingering hug right before they’d left that’d made Tegan’s trigger finger itch. She is eager for this to be over so she can kill the empty servant that shares her face and the man who had imprisoned her like a dog. She wants her life with Sara and Ryan back more than anything else, desperate to hold on to her identity, to her sense of self. She is Tegan, she reminds herself over and over… 3086 was just a mask, a disguise constructed for the sake of survival, a means to an end. She isn’t sure whether she believes herself or not.

Pulling Lindsey’s knife from its sheath in her boot, she examines it in the waning moonlight as the first rays of dawn start to warm the sky and trees rushing past them, Sara’s hand reaching up to rest over the one gripping the handle tightly.

“I love you.” She whispers softly.

“I love you too.” Tegan murmurs back, her thumb brushing over LB’s initials carved into the hilt. “I am going to get Ryan back Sara I promise. This was my fault.”

“You didn’t make the Dwelling clone you Tegan don’t be ridiculous.” Sara retorts, fiery look in her eyes. “And if you try and pull some stupid sacrifice yourself bullshit again I will personally kick your ass into next year. Understood?”

Tegan looks solemnly down into Sara’s studying gaze, something of a smile pulling at the corners of her lips. “Loud and clear.”

 

An hour and a half later the truck rumbles to a stuttering stop, Ted swinging down from the driver’s side and walking over to the side to speak with Tegan and Sara. “We’re close and the truck makes too much noise. It’ll be a short walk from here.”

Tegan clambers heavily over the side of the bed, weighed down by her bulky armor, offering Sara a hand down and handing her the medical pack. Jane slides out the passenger door, sheathing the knife she’d been sharpening and patting Ted on the back. “Let’s go we don’t have much more time.”

They set out like a line of shadows, moving silently through the underbrush. Tegan takes point as before, Sara right behind her with Ted and Jane bringing up the rear. Tegan raises her fist and they halt, watching as she turns her head and lifts her gun. The faint sound of rushing water echoes up to their ears.

“Listen.” She whispers, turning back to the people behind her. “There are usually between ten to twenty Raiders guarding the pipe that dumps the Dwellings waste. Most will be in the guard house located on the hill that overlooks the pipelines, with maybe three or four actually patrolling the service entrance. We need to move and take out the few guarding the entrance and get inside. By the time the communications center in the guard house realizes that they aren’t answering and sounds the alarm, the main attack will have already begun. Got it?”

Everyone gives her a thumbs up and they move on.

 

The waste pipe is massive in size as it comes into view, water mixed with sewage and other garbage spewing heavily from where it juts outwards from the side of a barren hill and into the river below. The faint lights of the guard house can be seen above it, perched atop the hill. A bridge spans the water, spray from the waterfall flowing out of the pipe wetting the already slimy metal.

Tegan points ahead to the shapes of the Raiders on patrol, two standing on a platform built directly above the pipe, one walking back and forth along the bridge, and one guarding a heavy metal door at the far end. Patting Ted and Jane on the back, she points to the two on the platform. They nod and melt backwards into the brush.

“Stay close Sare.” Tegan mutters as she checks that the magazine she has wedged into her gun is full. “Try not to fire your weapon if you don’t have too. The sound of the water is loud but I don’t want to take any chances that the guard post hears us.”

Sara nods, flipping the safety off her pistol as Tegan slings her rifle around across her back and pulls Lindsey’s knife from its sheath. “After you.”

 

Tegan’s boots step firmly onto the bridge as the Raider guarding it turns on her heel and begins her slow walk back to the other side. Crouching, Tegan slips behind her, matching her footsteps with the Raider’s to mask them as she pulls the other woman’s helmeted visage back and slits her throat, letting the body fall limply over the railing and into the flood of water below.

Above them, the two Raider’s standing on the platform receive throwing knives to the armored chinks on the backs of their necks. They fall with silenced gurgles, Jane and Ted dropping onto it and beginning to climb down the ladder to meet up with Tegan and Sara below.

The Raider guarding the service entrance door looks down warily. He hasn’t seen 4993 on other side of the bridge in awhile. Just as he opens his mouth to ask for her on the radio his body is thrown backwards against the door, the features of his former captain sneering in his face as she digs their old compatriot’s knife between his ribs. He sags as she pulls it out and thrusts it in again, darkness filling his vision as his eyes glaze over.

Tegan stabs him again, again, again. Sara can tell he is gone, grabbing Tegan’s arm and stopping it from further mauling the body. “Tegan he’s dead okay? Take a deep breath and come back here.”

Tegan falls back onto her haunches, panting, blood splattering her armor. Sara looks down at her nervously, fringe covering part of her face.

“I-I’m sorry. I knew him that’s all. I knew him.”

Sara knows now is not the time to pry, gently taking the knife from Tegan’s now shaking hand and washing it clean in a nearby puddle. She hands it back dripping to the woman and drags the body to the ledge, tossing it over, Ted and Jane jogging around the corner.

Sara turns around to ask Tegan if she is okay but the woman is already inspecting the lock as though she didn’t just stab the body of a former subordinate five times. Sara touches her shoulder gently and the other woman jumps in surprise, turning rapidly, 3086 sinking into her eyes.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the unexpected hiatus! I'll try to have another chapter up sometime this week.

Sara takes a step back, slightly alarmed. “Tegan.” She says softly, reaching out with a hesitant hand.

Tegan’s eyes study her for a moment before she relaxes, shoulders hunching forward slightly as she leans into the other woman’s touch for the briefest of moments. “Sara I-“

“Remember who you are Tegan.” Sara says, keeping their eye contact for another moment before stepping forward to take a look at the lock herself, all business once more. “Did we bring any bolt cutters?”

Ted shakes his head, Tegan and Jane doing the same. Sara glances down at the weapon resting in her palm as though contemplating something before holding it up and casually shooting the iron padlock twice in rapid succession. The twisted metal falls with a heavy clink onto the wet ground at their feet as she shoves the rusting gate open with her boot. Tegan nods at her, a proud smile pulling at the corners of her mouth as she steps past the other woman and takes the lead once more, beginning their trek down into the damp muddy hallway before them.

Their footsteps echo ahead of them, announcing their descent into the sewer system of the Dwelling. The cracked subway tiles that make up every visible surface inside drip icy water onto their heads as they make their way through the maze of tunnels. The ground beneath them shakes as a thudding sound reaches their ears. Tegan stops, her gun searching, her muscles tense.

Sara looks up and pushes her wife’s weapon down knowingly. “The attack above has begun. We need to hurry.”

They’re jogging now, the sound of rushing water filling their ears again as the heavy smell of sewage grows in their nostrils. The containment area can be seen glowing faintly with light at the end of the passageway, and the group slows to a stop as they reach the end.

The thundering roar of filth flooding from the pipe which empties on the opposite end slightly above them, spills down into the bottomless blackness beneath and makes it nearly impossible to hear anything else. They’ve reached a dead end, unable to go any further without dropping to their certain deaths below. Jane curses rapidly under her breath as Ted shakes his head mournfully at their predicament. The main Outsider attack will end up a suicide mission if they can’t take out the Supreme Leader soon.

Tegan slings her gun over her back, Sara holding tightly to the back of her armor as she leans forward slightly over the expanse and peers above. She steps back to safety, grinning wildly.

“Show isn’t over yet kids.” She screams over the rushing sewage. “We’ve got a way up after all!”

 

The ladder above them is slick with the splattered excess of whatever is coming with the waterfall. Ted leads, Jane following, with Sara and then Tegan taking up the rear. The brownish goop coating the metal covers their hands and smears on their clothing as they make the perilous climb upward, reaching a bolted steel trap door at the top.

“It’s locked!” Ted yells downward, shoving his fist angrily against their latest obstacle.

Tegan’s eyes scrunched closed for a second. “7-823-0-6!” She yells, looking up. “On the key pad!”

Ted’s fingers find the rusted lock and type in the numbers shakily. A light flashes and the bolts slide out of their locked positions, Ted shoving the metal to the side and climbing out as quickly as he can. Whatever is up there waiting for them is better than suffocating any longer in the stench of this disgusting slime below.

 

They end up in a basement, a plain room full of space and empty shelves. A few discarded crates lay stacked in the corner, abandoned. The floors are swept clean. Every once and a while the walls shake, the floor vibrates, reminding them of the fighting happening outside. There isn’t really time to stop and take a moment but they do anyway, wiping as much sludge as they can off of themselves and checking their weapons.

“We need to go now.” Tegan says after a few minutes, standing from where she’d been sitting against the wall beside Sara cleaning and the gunk out of her gun. “The longer we wait the better the chance of the attack failing or them discovering that we’re inside.”

Sara nods in agreement, standing beside her wife and pulling her gun from its holster inside her jacket. Tegan takes the lead, mumbling under her breath as they climb up a set of creaking wooden stairs and down a short hall that leads to the street below.

The silence is eerie, every Dweller locked tightly into their homes. The monsters from the Outside are attacking their safe haven and they are scared, crouched around their radios to listen to Supreme Leader’s calming fatherly voice.

“Which way?” Sara asks as they creep cautiously into the shadows of the cobbled street.

Tegan seems to think for a moment, glancing around as if to get her bearings. “Left.”

 

Every Raider, it seems, is protecting the wall, not a single guard or patrol in sight as they move towards the hulking mass at the top of the hill in front of them… The Supreme Leader’s home. Being back here in this toxic place makes Tegan’s skin itch and her brain wander. It is only the sound of Sara’s feet stepping reassuringly behind her that keeps her from floating away and giving in completely to 3086 and her whims.

The memories are much stronger here, however, and though her body is moving forward, her mind is lost in her more recent past.

 

 

_“The Supreme Leader is all powerful. He knows each and every one of us by name, and treats us as if we are his own. You, as the first Raiders to complete our new improved program here, are the most prized of all of his children. If you fail him you fail yourself, you fail your family, you fail the defenseless brothers and sisters living within the walls of the Dwelling. Your life is nothing compared to the Supreme Leader’s, you will obey his words even at the cost of your own life. Do you understand?”_

_“Yes Supreme Underleader!” 3086 thunders, voice blending with the answers of those in the rest of her class._

_3086 shudders in pain as they hold her down, pulling off the soiled bandages glued tightly to the festering wounds on her back._

_“Stop moving!” The white growls, a hand shoving her head back down hard onto the metal table as she tries to lift it._

_The fever inflames her thoughts, her skin burning as sweat drips from her brow to mix with the tears dripping from her eyes._

_“Sara?” She moans. In her delirium, the brainwashing she has endured melts away and Sara is her wife and the one she loves once more._

_All of the sudden agony, unlike anything she has felt yet, strikes and she can feel nothing else. She screams and screams, body completely tensing and convulsing as the white pours the bottle of rubbing alcohol he’d been using to disinfect his hands and the medical equipment he is using on the open raw wounds left by the whip._

_“Sara! Sara I told you not to do that! Oh no… no!” The white yells, sounding frantic. “Sara why can’t you see she’s already in pain! Sara how could you?”_

_He carries on, Sara’s name leaving his lips over and over as the pain settles like a stormy cloud deeply into 3086’s hazy skull._

_Sara did this?_

_Sara did this._

_“Captain 3086? He is ready for you now.” 3086 stands wearily, straightening her sweat-stained uniform as best she can as she enters Developer 34’s office._

_The man is sitting behind his desk in a lab coat, studying her closely behind his glasses as she stands at attention in front of him. “Raider Captain 3086 sir!”_

_“Relax captain.” Developer 34 says casually, leaning back in his chair and gesturing for her to sit with a wave of his hand. She does so stiffly, back straight, hands folded in her lap._

_“Do you know why I have asked you here to meet with me today?” He asks, fingers pressed against one another._

_“No sir.”_

_“Yesterday morning there was a murder in the bathroom of your Raider battalion’s barracks. You claimed you had nothing to do with it and the Leadership has let it go. 3088 was weak and didn’t fight back hard enough, allowed herself to be killed they say, therefore she wasn’t fit to be a Raider in the first place. Is all of this correct?”_

_3086’s jaw tightens. “Yes sir.”_

_“What I find curious is that in her belongings she had a journal, a journal in which she wrote about how she was remembering things she wasn’t supposed to and it scared her. I know the two of you used to be close before you were promoted 3086. Did she mention anything about this to you?” Developer 34 asks, leaning forward._

_3086 panics internally, just managing to keep her stony exterior intact as she answers. “No sir.”_

_“You’re sure?”_

_“Yes sir. The Before was nothing to me. The Now is all that matters sir.” 3086 recites robotically._

_Developer 34 nods thoughtfully. “Very well Captain. You are dismissed.”_


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING for violence in this chapter. It is intense, and probably a bit confusing. Next chapter will explain so please stick with me!

“Tegan!” 3086-Tegan glances around, gun raised.

“Sara?” She asks, nervously.

“I’m right here relax.” Sara says, materializing in front of her. “Relax.”

“Sorry.” Tegan mutters, lowering her weapon. “I just heard my name and I was thinking and-“

“It’s fine.” Sara replies soothingly. “But we need to figure out how we’re getting inside.”

Tegan takes in her surroundings: the chain link fence wrapping around the Supreme Leader’s compound, the empty looking guard towers, the cameras hiding mounted in the corners, the barred entranceways.

“Most of the Raiders are at the wall, only the Supreme Leader’s personal guard will be inside which will consist of about ten highly indoctrinated raiders. As soon as we get across this fence they’ll know we’re here, they’ve got motion detectors and cameras everywhere. Get ready for a fight… it’s going to be the only way in.” Tegan says, flicking the safety on and off of her assault rifle anxiously.

“But what about Ryan?” Ted asks. “Shouldn’t we split up to try and find her too?”

Tegan closes her eyes shut tightly, pained, and shakes her head. “We have to kill the Supreme Leader first… it’s the only way we are going to stand a chance. As soon as he is killed whoever is guarding Ryan will be incapacitated and we can get her back. I will not leave here alive without her I promise you.”

“Okay.” Sara says softly, resigned. “Okay.”

Jane pulls a particularly jagged knife from a sheath on her hip. ‘Let’s fucking go then!”

 

Flakes of rust peel from the chain link and onto the fingers of Tegan’s gloves, coolness seeping to her palms as she pulls herself over the top and drops to her feet on the other side. The entire group stands poised, tense as they wait. Nothing happens. Tegan glances round warily for a minute more, crouching with her finger resting calmly on the trigger, before motioning for the rest to follow her over. Something about this really doesn’t feel right.

The bars preventing them from getting through the entrance and into the building slide away into the wall as they begin to approach it, a camera swiveling and blinking in their direction. Tegan curses under her breath and shoots it down, watching for a moment as it hangs from its short-circuiting wires before reaching back to find Sara’s reassuring touch. “They want us to go in.”

“How nice of them.” Jane smirks. “Fucken love when they give the assassins easy access to their prey.”

“”I have a hunch that it’s not going to be that easy.” Ted mutters as they creep uncertainly down the hall.

The way forward is illuminated brightly, white pristine walls and floors blinding beneath the fluorescent light. Tegan groans as a sharp bolt of pain lances through her temples, stumbling backwards slightly, her weapon dropping to rest against her armored chest as her hands reach to cover her eyes.

“Tegan!” Sara yells, her voice shrill as she leaps forward to steady her wife. “Tee!”

“I’m okay.” Tegan mutters. “I’m okay… I’m okay.”

Pulling from Sara’s worried grasp she stumbles forward slightly before regaining her balance, one hand braced against the wall, the other reaching for her weapon.

“No Tegan you’re obviously not!” Sara says angrily, reaching out for the woman, only to be pushed away.

“No let’s go. He wants us to meet him I know it.”

They follow the former raider uncertainly, Sara fuming at being shrugged off so blatantly. Her skin itches and all she can think about is finding her daughter, the gun resting in her palm as heavy as lead. The world begins to buzz in her ears as it tilts back and forth like some sort of sick amusement park ride. She tries to move with the rocking of the boat but her sea legs are badly underdeveloped. She slides forward to her knees, eyes fluttering as she focuses everything she has on staying conscious. Tegan needs her right now. Ryan needs her right now. Her fellow Outsiders need her right now.

The floor feels cool against her cheek. Darkness.

Tegan watches her wife fall, her skin pale to the point of translucency, and screams. The whiteness around her is disorienting, confusing, deadly. Faintly she hears others calling, their voices distorted and watery in her numb ears. Her legs shake as they try to hold her weight, and she doubles over as more pain strikes, as though nails are being knocked by a heavy handed hammer into her skull.

This floor. She remembers it like an old enemy, its whiteness filling her vision before melting away in a swirling river. Darkness.

 

When Sara wakes she is paralyzed. Panic jolting through her frame, she finds that the only thing she still has control of is her lips, moaning Tegan’s name softly. The whiteness is everywhere.

Suddenly she is lifted, she can see more than the colorless world of before. Tegan is there, stripped down to her boxer briefs and skintight undershirt, her chin resting against her chest, her face twisted and distressed in unconsciousness.

“Tegan!” Sara cries. “Tegan wake up!”

“Shut up!” A man strides into her vision, clenched in his hand is a knife, the same ugly jagged one Jane had before. He smiles, teeth filed eerily into points. “Shall we wake our little sleeper?”

Sara tries to tell him no, to beg him not to hurt the one she loves, but suddenly she loses control of her voice too. She is forced to watch silently as the man smirks, digging the knife in just enough to draw blood as he runs it down Tegan’s jaw. She moans in pain, her head moving slightly.

“Wakey wakey.” The man laughs, the knife flashing down to impale Tegan’s tied palm to the splintered wood beneath it. Her bloodshot eyes fly open as she screams in agony. Another knife materializes as blood oozes from around the first blade and finds its way into her other hand. Tegan cries out again, the sound burrowing deep into Sara’s chest and festering beneath her heart.

“Sara help me!” Tegan sobs, tears dripping down her wide jaw as another knife flies beneath her rib cage, angling upwards to slice deeply into her lung. Blood rushes and trickles from her lips, silencing her vocalized pain with gurgling moans.

Sara shakes, the reality of what is happening sinking into her skull. She lost her soul-mate to a twisted cult, only to find her and nurse her back to health, to regain normalcy and love. Then her daughter is ripped from her grasp and in their effort to save her life, she is losing Tegan once more right before her eyes. This time for good.

She is forced to watch for several minutes, the man disappearing, as Tegan suffocates in her own blood, eyes rolling in her head, drenched in hot crimson blood. She watches her body shudder once, twice, before slowing to a staggering stop. When her chest stops moving, Sara feels control returning to her limbs. She leaps forward, crying desperately, begging, pulling the cooling body of her wife towards her and cradling it to her chest.

No. Please god no.

 

When Tegan wakes the white finds her. It always does, ebbing and flowing in her vision. She groans, unable to move, as she is lifted upwards. Her eyes blink open and closed lazily before zeroing in on a figure tied to a chair in front of her. Sara?

“Sara?” She yells, staring at the woman who is stripped down to a white tank top and boyshorts. “Sare wake up I love you… don’t do this please! Don’t do this.”

“Oh 3086… you’ll never learn will you?” A voice. She knows this voice. The white in flesh has found her again.

 “Don’t hurt her she hasn’t done anything! You like causing me pain do it to me! Please just do it toooo myeeu…” She trails off, her words slurring to a stop as her lips numb.

“Shall we wake sleeping beauty?” The white asks, an awful knife glittering evilly in his palm.

3086 can only watch, horrified, as the white reaches down and slices Sara lightly along her neck. The cut drips like a smile, smirking away at the woman before her. Sara’s eyes flutter and open as the pain registers, crying out and looking around.

“What is going on? Tegan?” She asks, anxiousness flooding her words. “Where is Tegan? I want Tegan!”

The white tsks. “This is your fault 3086. You shouldn’t have returned, shouldn’t have betrayed your beloved father and leader. He loved you, and that love was ripped away the moment you defected. I think it’s time you lose something you love and believe in too don’t you?”

No no no no no no.

The knife traces its former path across Sara’s neck once more, Sara wriggling and crying out until her throat no longer connects with her mouth and she cannot make a sound anymore. She slumps forward, unmoving, Tegan just managing to scream as she escapes the white’s hold and throws herself forward to hold her wife close.

“No I just found you. Don’t leave me… please don’t leave me.”

The white laughter echoes in her ear. “This is your fault 3086. You led her here. You got her daughter kidnapped. You caused all of this to happen. She’s dead now because of _you_ …”


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another intense probably confusing chapter. This'll all make sense eventually guys I promise :)

Ryan has never been more scared in her life. She has spent the entirety of her time here (hours? days? weeks?) stuck in a room with this deranged version of Tegan and the monstrous machine surrounding them that she seems to tinker with constantly. The woman doesn’t sleep, constantly pacing with her hands fiddling with some contraption or another. She keeps telling the girl to wait, that the show will begin shortly. Ryan isn’t sure if that’s merely Tegan’s obviously twisted brain confusing her own words or if there actually is a “show,” but she is afraid to find out.

“Engineer 3087?” A voice, the first Ryan has heard that hasn’t been Tegan’s since this nightmare began. She looks around as Tegan freezes and jerks towards the sound robotically, the image of a man’s face appearing on a cracked screen hanging from a bent piece of pipe nearby, a single limb of many attached to the mother machine.

“What the fuck do you want my _dear_ Developer 34?” Tegan spits, staring at the flickering image with an ugly sneer.

“They have been detained.”

Tegan freezes, as though contemplating something, before speaking slowly. “Are you sure?”

“Do not doubt your superiors Engineer 3087. I don’t have to give them to you, do not forget.” Developer 34 warns coldly.

“Yeah, yeah.” Tegan waves dismissively. “Just have them brought here. I need her.”

Developer 34 nods and the screen blinks to darkness. Ryan shivers as Tegan turns unsteadily on her heels and stalks towards her, red eyes glazed, her lab coat bellowing out behind her.

 “Are you ready?” She whispers, ice cold hands caressing the young woman’s cheek as she stops beside her. “Finally they’ve come…. I’ve been waiting so long to have her. So long for this show to finally begin….”

A loud bang interrupts Tegan, Ryan throwing herself away from her touch as the other woman turns to face the noise, mood changing like a switch. “Over here you fucking imbecile… in the center of the room!”

The armored back of a Raider can be seen, bent over as he drags something behind him and drops it to the floor before leaving. A body, lying on its side facing away, its features obscured. The black undershirt and boxer briefs it is dressed in do little to cover its lifeless form. Then another, this one Ryan immediately recognizes, letting out a sharp cry of shock as she sees its face and knows for certain.

The Raider takes greater care with this body, cradling it to his bulky chest before gently laying it down beside the first one. Ryan begins to sob, salty tears dripping to the floor beneath her as she stares at the motionless form of her mother, just out of reach.

“Tegan!” She screams angrily. “Tegan what did you do to her? What did you do to my mom Tegan!”

Tegan laughs, crouching down and getting into Ryan’s face, which scrunches as the other woman’s rancid breath hits her. “Oh Doc is just asleep right now. A little gas never hurt anybody now did it? My own invention actually, causes hallucinations, makes you witness your worst fear over and over and over again until you administer the antidote. Wait too long and the afflicted person will go insane. I wonder if your dear mother will last the time it takes for me to give enough shits to administer it… we’ll see won’t we?”

“Tegan!” Ryan sobs. “Tegan I fucking hate you! I hate you so much! Please help her… please I’m begging you!”

Tegan laughs, standing up. “Let’s wake her little girlfriend up first. She’s the one I really want anyways.”

Girlfriend? Does Tegan mean Emy? Oh god… please don’t drag Emy into this mess anymore. She doesn’t deserve to suffer because Tegan had everybody else fooled.

Tegan pulls a canister and a gas mask from a cabinet attached the north side of the mother machine, flipping the other body roughly so that it is on its back and placing the mask over its nose and mouth. Ryan feels her heart drop. She doesn’t need to see its features to know it’s not Emy… its hair is too short, its arms too muscled.

The body groans, a low pained sound, and stirs. “SSSara?” It slurs.

Tegan laughs, removing the mask and canister and tossing them away as she stands up. “Sara is dead 3086.”

“What? No!” The body shouts, struggling as much as it can as it continues to wake. Tegan holds it down with a boot to its chest, leaning over to spit in its face.

“She’s dead and it’s your fault! Doesn’t that just feel fantastic? You’ve done us all such an extraordinary favor. Nobody liked her anyway did we?”

The body is crying now, heavy body-wracking sobs. Ryan wishes she could see what is going on better but Tegan and the silent form of her mother is obscuring her vision.

“She’s not dead!” Ryan yells. She isn’t I can see her chest moving!”

“Shut up!” Tegan screams, eyes flashing wildly as she kicks the body multiple times in the chest in a fit of anger before turning and pulling an ugly looking knife from the inside of her stained lab coat, staring directly at Ryan and pointing it threateningly in her direction. “If you speak so much as another word I promise I will make you watch me kill your mother in the most painful and slow way you can possibly imagine before doing the same to you. Do you understand me?”

Ryan nods, whimpering.

“Good.” Tegan drawls, before turning back to the writhing figure at her feet and giving it another kick. “Stop fucking moving 3086!”

The knife flashes down to make its mark somewhere on the body’s skin, the person crying out between their sobs, still begging for Sara. “Please no! Don’t tell me you’ve killed her… please… let me see her…. I love her!”

Ryan knows she has to try to do something. If she doesn’t her mother and this other person will be tortured and killed, and Ryan will likely meet the same fate as well. The person cries out again, yelling confusedly as Tegan laughs and the knife glints. Panic strikes deep within her gut… she has to do something… anything.

Suddenly, it hits her. Glancing over at Tegan and seeing that her back is turned, Ryan lunges for the mask and canister, dragging them both to her mother’s side and twisting the valve to allow the antidote to flow as she places the mask gently over her slightly parted lips.

“Come on… come on.” Ryan mutters, watching Tegan’s back nervously before returning her gaze to her mother. At any second she could turn around and see what is going on. “Please mom…”

Sara’s eyes flutter open as the person Tegan is torturing becomes strangely silent. Ryan looks up.

Tegan, blood dripping from the knife held loosely in her right hand, stands over her with empty look, face twisted into a mask of utter madness as any semblance of rationality finishes draining from her blood red eyes.

“What did I say little girl?”


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so here's the deal. I live in the part of Florida about to be bitch-slapped by Hurricane Matthew and its pretty much a guarantee that we're going to lose power soooo hopefully this'll hold you guys over until next week because I won't be able to write much or post until everything gets back to normal.
> 
> Anyways, hopefully this starts to tie some stuff together. I really appreciate you guys' continued support of my writing :)

Ryan looks up, pure terror striking like a pang deeply in her chest. This is it. This is how she is going to die. The knife rises high up into the air, sharp point angled to meet the young woman’s skin as soon as it is thrust downward. Silently whispering apologies to her mother for not being quick enough to possibly save them all, Ryan lowers herself in a futile effort to protect the slowly stirring body beneath her and accepts her fate.

The pain she is expecting doesn’t arrive. Instead a shadow, a strangled yell, the ugly thumping of bodies hitting the ground nearby, her Mother moaning softly as she struggles to regain consciousness.

Ryan glances upwards, eyes widening in complete and utter disbelief. There is two Tegans now, one giving a face to the body that had been lying so helplessly on the floor only moments ago, the other the twisted unstable version with her bloody eyes. The new Tegan is on top, pummeling the one beneath her with heavy fists, a raw jagged cut welling with blood and gushing down the side of her face to clot in her hair. Ryan’s Mother’s hand reaches out, grasping her wrist tightly and scaring the girl who manages to tear her shocked gaze away from the disturbing scene in front of her to meet another set of familiar frantic eyes.

“Ryan?” Her mother croaks, sitting up unsteadily. “What is going on? Are you okay? Where is Tegan?”

Ryan shakes her head unsteadily, trembling lips unable to form the words she is trying to speak. She points instead. The Tegans have switched position. Now it is the other more disturbed version on top, the knife discarded and forgotten a few feet away.

“Shit!” Her mom swears, shaking her head to try to get the swirling in her head to cease.

“Mom?” Ryan asks, watching in horror as one Tegan throws the other against a hulking mass of parts connecting pieces of the machine. Metal shrieks and bends as they switch yet again, the other slammed equally as hard as her counterpart against the unrelenting mismatch of welded metal.

“Stay out of the way Ryan. If we get hurt run. Promise me you’ll run!” Her mother pleads, swaying as she gets to her feet. “Please sweetheart. Just promise me!”

“I-I will Mom. I will.” The girl replies, eyes welling with tears.

Her mother nods, rubbing her eyes in an effort to clear her swimming vision. How is she going to fix this?

One Tegan screams as the other hits her with a long rusty pipe in the leg from where she lies on the ground, blood oozing from a deep cut on her bicep. Her mother yells Tegan’s name and the one who’d been hit looks up, eyes widening in relief and another, less definable emotion.

“Sara?” She cries, as though she can’t imagine seeing the woman in question moving, breathing, alive. “Sara?”

“Tegan watch-“ Her mom starts to cry out in warning but it is too late. The pipe swings in lab-coat Tegan’s hands again to connect with the other Tegan’s back, who crumples motionless as the impact runs down her spine.

The awful monster version of Tegan crows triumphantly at the hit, raising a fist in jubilation at her supposed victory over her doppelganger. Her celebration doest last long.

A knife, the same one she’d used to torture the other Tegan in the beginning, finds the center of her chest as it flies from Sara’s grasp, digging deeply between her ribs. Surprise filters across her face as the joy melts away and she looks down, her eyebrows raising in disbelief at what has just occurred. Fresh dark blood begins to spread outwards from this center point, a blot of bloody ink left behind by a deadly pen, and she falls to her knees and then her side, emotionless eyes glazing over as they empty and life glimmers within them for the last time.

The entire room seems to stand still for a moment, the sounds of the machine around them fading away, surroundings going in and out of focus. Then, reality strikes suddenly and without warning. Ryan watches her mother run and throw herself down beside the other Tegan frantically, mumbling something over and over under her breath that Ryan can’t hear, even as she stumbles to stand over the pair of them, shell-shocked and unsteady.

She watches her mother rock the other Tegan against her chest, the blood still gushing from the woman's motionless face smearing onto her shirt. Tegan stirs, eyes fluttering. Her mother’s shoulders sag visibly in relief, bending over the woman and sobbing in relief. Ryan feels like a bystander as she watches, an extra, a throwaway character that does little to affect the story. She doesn’t have any idea what just happened, if they are safe or not, why there are two Tegans instead of one, why her mother was so devastated mere moments ago.

“Sare.” This Tegan asks, voice cracking as she reaches up to cup the other woman’s jaw. “I thought you were dead.”

"I thought  _you_ were dead." Sara replies. "But you aren't and neither am I. We're okay. You're okay."

“Mom what is going on?” Ryan finally finds her voice.

Her mother glances up, another wave of relief rushing across her face. “Ryan baby come here! Are you okay? Are you hurt? Did she hurt you?”

“No mom. What is happening?”

“Ted and Jane!” Tegan says suddenly, sitting up painfully. “We have to go!”

“Tegan just hold on a minute okay? We won’t leave them.” Her mother reassures. Ryan asks again for an explanation.

“We came to kill the Supreme Leader and save you. There is an attack that is only going to succeed if we can take him out. Four of us snuck in.”

“Why are there two Tegans?”

“They cloned me kid.” Tegan shudders, slowly getting to her feet. “Fucking motherfuckers cloned me.”

Sara follows behind her, stumbling slightly before regaining her balance and holding her head. Tegan grasps her shoulder tightly to steady her, looking concerned even as her own eyes focus and unfocus themselves.

“My god look at this…” Tegan trails off, glancing away to the humming walls encasing them.

“She had your genius. She was just a pawn though, made for one reason and it drove her mad.” Sara says thoughtfully as she closely inspects the gash still drenching the side of Tegan’s face, dripping down her jaw and soaking her t-shirt. “Jesus we need to put pressure on that before we do anything else.”

Ryan pulls her jacket off, walking forward hesitantly and handing it to her mother. She eyes Tegan warily as she does so, nervous after being so mistreated by the monster that shared her face. She still isn’t sure what to make of all of this, if what her mother said is to be believed. But really, is there any other possible explanation?

Tegan nods to her in thanks, eyes softening in understanding as she presses the fabric to the side of her head, wincing slightly at the sting that results from the pressure.

 “What are we going to do?” Ryan asks. “You still have to kill the Supreme Leader don't you?”

As if in reply, the the walls shake, the machine sputtering before returning to its full pulsing power, confirming that the attack is still in full swing. Their mission is not yet over.

Sara nods solemnly, turning to Tegan for her answer. This is, after all, her territory, her old unwelcoming prison.

“Where ever The Supreme Leader is Ted and Jane will be, and so will his personal guard. We might as well go now. They’ll be waiting.”


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to post... hope you guys enjoy. Feedback either here or on tumblr (ohheyits) is always appreciated :)

The exit from the clone’s hideout is unbarred, the Raider that had dragged Tegan and Sara’s unconscious bodies remaining nowhere to be found. As they step into the endlessly white hallways once again, Tegan takes one more shaky glance at the contorted and bloody body of the clone. How easily things could have taken a different path... and really, in a way, it is indeed her lying there lifelessly anyway. She shudders at the thought, turning away to follow Sara and Ryan without risking a second glance back.

Sara had thought to grab the knife before they’d left, pulling it from the corpse of the woman she’d killed. It was so easy to look down and see Tegan’s soft eyes, her crooked nose, her bent ear, and not the reality of the test-tube generated monster truly before her. She too is plagued with doubts as they walk, handing the weapon to a haunted looking Tegan as she stalks past them and takes the lead.

The cameras follow them wherever they go, swiveling and blinking at every corner. Sara places an arm protectively over her daughter, as if to shield her from the prying eyes stalking them. She still feels off, slightly confused. She’d watched Tegan die but then she’d woken up and Tegan was alive again, fighting desperately. Tegan is moving around… she’s right there. That awful knife is clenched so tightly in her fist that you’d need the jaws of life to pry her fingers from the handle, but she’s intact… for the most part.

 

They reach the end of a hall and Tegan stops, taking a deep huffing breath before turning around.

“Wait here.” She says, forcing a weak smile that ends up looking more like a grimace.

“What? No way Tegan! No.” Sara says, stepping forward angrily. “We’re in this together remember?”

“No you have Ryan to think about… we can’t leave her out here alone.”

“So you expect me to just let you walk in to that room and face the demon that manipulated you for years all by yourself?” Sara asks in disbelief, tears starting to brim in her eyes.

“I-“ Tegan stutters, the fear she feels inside shining through her gaze for the briefest of seconds before she reins it back in and hardens again. “Yes.”

“Absolutely not.” Sara shakes her head. “That’s not how this is going to work. You don’t get to run in there and be the hero once again at the expense of your own life. You just can’t okay? I just got you back again and I’ve said it a million times but I’ll say it a million more if it means finally getting the message through that thick skull of yours: I am not leaving here without you.”

“But I’m doing this for you!” Tegan says, frustration flaring in her eyes as she points the end of the knife in the direction of her wife and daughter. “Why can’t you see that? When I go in there he is going to say things to me, he is going to try and break me down into tiny little pieces, and while I am harboring the hope that I’ll be able to fend him off, truthfully, I have my doubts. I know what he is capable of, you don’t. Now, when I go in there you are going to take Ryan and you are going to get out of here. If the Raiders stop fighting back you’ll know I’ve succeeded. If they don’t then get to the bunker. You’ll be safe there.”

“Tegan stop this! We are going together or we aren’t going at all.”

Tegan screams in frustration, tearing at her clothing, her face turning red. “Fuck Sara why do you have to do this to me? Why? I just want you to be safe…. Why can’t you be safe?”

“I won’t be safe with myself if I lose you again.” Her words are barely heard but they resonate deeply, Ryan starting to sniffle quietly as Tegan’s shoulders hunch over in defeat.

“Don’t ever say that.”

“Well it’s true. My heart is stuck in your chest, whether you like it or not. You die or disappear and I’ll fade away too.”

Tegan growls, seeming to fight with herself for a moment, before finally acceding.

“Fine. But if something goes wrong do everything in your power to get back to our daughter? Please.”

“Ok Tegan… ok.” Sara soothes, feeling slightly guilty for revealing the true strength of her feelings and their bond in that way, but it needed to be done. Tegan would have been adamant if she hadn’t and they’d still be arguing instead of making the strides necessary to finally end this nightmare once and for all.

Walking forward, Tegan kneels down and presses the handle of the knife into her daughter’s hand. “If somebody tries to hurt you while we are in there do not hesitate. Your life is worth far more than the empty ones lived here.”

Ryan nods wordlessly, stepping forward and pulling her mother into a tight hug. “I love you.”

“I love you too kid… more than you’ll ever know.” Tegan whispers back softly, patting the girl gently on the back.

“Tegan what are we going to use to kill The Supreme Leader if we don’t have that knife?” Sara asks nervously.

“I’ll find a way.” Tegan replies simply, resigned to fate.

Then they are standing, and Ryan is creeping into the corner holding the knife loosely by her side, and Sara is kissing the top of her daughter’s head softly, and Ryan is putting on a brave face for her parents, and then they are walking through the gates of hell.

 

It’s white, just like everything else in this place. The room is empty except for a large throne, an elaborate twisting of metals in various odd shapes not unlike that of the clones machine forming the seat and back. A young man in a slightly rumpled suit lays perched upon it, one leg thrown casually over the right arm, resting his elbow on his upturned knee.

“It’s about time 3086.” He says sitting up smoothly and leaning forward. “You should know better than to keep your father waiting.”

Tegan grits her teeth, pushing back her shoulders and straightening her sore spine. “You were never a father to me.”

“Is that so my dear Captain? Maybe you should reconsider that… you know, since the only reason you’re still alive right now is because of me. You do realize how easy it would have been to send somebody who was actually competent to destroy you after you escaped my grasp right? That good for nothing clone Developer 34 grew was the biggest waste of time and effort I have ever had the unfortunate experience of dealing with. It was hardly a shadow of you.”

The Supreme Leader cocks his head. “And who do we have here? You’re former lover. Dr. Sara Clement is it?”

“It’s Dr. Quin actually.” Sara grinds out.

“Oh you’re married! My apologies… how could I forget that fact. Silly, silly me.” The Supreme Leader shakes his head in mock disappointment at himself, clasping his hands together.

Tegan makes eye contact with him for a moment, visibly shaking. Sara steps up beside her, resting a gentle hand on her back, and she manages to calm slightly.

“So… you are here to kill me I believe?” The Supreme Leader asks, rising and taking a step towards them. Tegan stiffens. Sara grasps a handful of the other woman’s shirt.

“I am and I will.” Tegan replies shortly, mouth pulled into a thin line.

“Very well.” He says, stretching his arms out wide. “What are you waiting for?”


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really have much to say except this election was fucked up. To my fellow American's... don't give up hope <3

“However,” the Supreme Leader continues, “before we decide to go that route, I think the truth needs to be heard… don’t you?”

His voice makes Tegan’s skin prickle and itch, uncertainty riddling her brain as he speaks. What is he talking about… wha…. cloudiness, fog, darkness. She stumbles reaching out into unknowing. _Sara! Help me!_

Sara doesn’t buy it. “What truth could you possibly dispel that isn’t already known to us? We are fully aware of that fact that you ruin innocent lives with your brainwashing, and kill those who don’t fully support your personal ideals. This place is _sick_.”

The Supreme Leader chuckles. “That isn’t what I am referring to at all dear. I think you’d be a lot more surprised to find out the true identity of the thing you’re clinging so desperately to right now… don’t you?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Sara growls. Tegan continues to be as unmovable as a statue, staring with wide uncertain eyes at the man before her.

“What I am talking about is the fact that you sheltered and nursed back to health an agent working for me. 3086 was supposed to be captured and taken by your Outsiders all along so it could infiltrate your little guerilla group and get close to certain individuals… mainly you. You don’t think she actually remembers you or holds any feeling for you right? This was nothing more than an elaborate ruse, and it worked perfectly.”

Sara stands in shock, her grip on Tegan’s shirt ripped away as said woman jerks forward, as if pulled by an invisible rope, and falls clumsily to her hands and knees before the Supreme Leader.

“You see Ms. Quin? Look how she bows before me. It must be absolutely devastating for you to realize that all of your hard work and the lives currently being sacrificed at the wall to garner time was and is for naught. You were so easily tricked too… it was quite sad really. You should have known better than to think we would make a mistake and then simply allow 3086 to live in your captivity.”

“No.” Sara mutters, taking a step backwards and shaking her head violently. “I don’t fucking believe you!”

“Are you sure?” The Supreme Leader asks with a smirk. “Well... maybe she can confirm this little matter for you then, hmm?”

Sara watches in horror as Tegan gets to her feet, robotically and unsteadily. Every move she makes seems stiff, as though her muscles are attempting to be uncooperative without success, her eyes as completely crimson red as the clone’s was.

“I. You have. Sara I need. He has.” Tegan stutters, looking confused. The Supreme Leader frowns, face taut with concentration, his former carefree attitude suddenly gone. Then, as though a switch has been hit, Tegan is able to formulate what she is trying to say. “You are a foolish woman for believing that I truly loved you. You are a stranger to me, and nothing in my eyes.”

At this, Sara finally breaks, a sob echoing from her throat. “Tegan…”

“She doesn’t feel anything for you Ms. Quin. Absolutely nothing.” The Supreme Leader murmurs. “Such a sad day indeed… so sorry it must end this way, I really am.”

Tegan twitches suddenly, as though experiencing a muscle spasm, and groans. The Supreme Leader jerks his head violently to the side and she becomes unmoving once more.

“Now… the time for games is over. Kill her 3086.”

Sara’s eyes widen as Tegan begins to shuffle forward, eyes glazed and unseeing. “No Tegan please… please don’t do this! What about Ryan Tegan? Think about Ryan!”

The Supreme Leader laughs. “As if she cares about your pathetic little family!”

Tegan’s long fingers, the same ones that had once caressed her skin so softly before, close tightly around her throat. Sara’s eyes widen in shock, choking and gasping for the air suddenly taken from her, her own fingers grasping futilely at her wife’s iron grip. The Supreme Leader steps closer, as if to watch, maniacal grin pulling apart his face.

Black spots float in her vision. The fingers close in tighter.

_NO! PLEASE MAKE ME STOP!_

“Mom!” A voice. Both Tegan and The Supreme Leader falter, just as Sara is on the brink of unconsciousness, looking up.

It is Ryan. “You promised you would protect Mom Tegan! What the hell are you doing?”

Tegan lets go of Sara’s motionless form, turning to face her daughter, and stares. She begins to shake violently after a moment, falling to the ground and convulsing. The Supreme Leader staggers at the same time, his lips pulled back into a snarl, collapsing to the ground and crying out angrily. Tegan screams, as though in reply, and then they both still; the room becoming silent as a grave.

The knife clatters to the ground from Ryan’s hand, the sound echoing, as she runs. Her mother is lying crumpled on the ground, angry splotches of bruising just beginning to form around her neck. Her eyes are closed but she is breathing, she is alive.

Ryan moves on to Tegan next, watching the motionless form of The Supreme Leader nervously. She too is breathing, but it is shallow and rapid, her skin pale nearly to the point of translucency. Then, The Supreme Leader. She walks over, kneeling down and checking for any signs of life. Nothing. He is dead. They did it… they’ve won.

As if to further this revelation, the sounds of fighting nearby falters and stops. Ryan returns to her Mother’s side, and waits.

 

Scott pulls Tegan’s motorcycle to a stop at the gate of the wall, motioning for the former Raider manning its controls to raise it up so that the main Outsider force can enter. The poor man stares at them for a moment before reluctantly fulfilling the request, staring blankly at them as they pass.

The Outsiders cheer as they enter the city, the Dwellers who’d been wandering around confusedly stopping to stare in awe at the armed force passing by. It feels to them as though they’ve just woken from a long sleep, no recollection of their past available to them at all. In the next couple of days, Scott knows, The Outsiders are going to have to figure out what to do with the refugees, but at the moment their number one goal is finding the group that infiltrated the Dwelling and made this all possible, and to secure their surroundings.

Revving the bike, Scott drives head of the main group, following the winding road upwards to the dark mansion atop the hill. The sounds of the celebration below become muted as he slows to a stop, turns off the engine, and begins to approach the door, his hand resting nervously on his gun.

Inside it is white, emergency lights flickering uncertainly. Sara?” He calls, voice echoing down the hall. Nothing. He continues on. “Sara!” He tries again.

“Scott!” A voice. Not Sara’s but he runs for it anyway.

Ryan appears at the far end and Scott skids to a stop in front of her. “Are you hurt?” He puffs.

“No, but Mom and Tegan are.”

Scott follows Ryan into the room, jogging over to Sara’s side as soon as he sees her. Crying panickedly into his radio for a medical team, he holds her body to his chest.

“It’s okay Sara. I’ve got you.”


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this explains some of the stuff you guys where confused about... give me some feedback on what you think!

_“You said you needed to speak with me?” The Supreme Leader asks, sitting back in his throne and interlacing his long dexterous fingers with one another._

_“Y-Yes sir.” 3087 stutters, the pristine lab coat draped over her hunched shoulders brushing the ground as she kneels before the man in front of her, her face nearly touching the polished floor._

_“Well? I’m waiting.”_

_“I have solved your problem involving certain members of the Dwelling becoming unbelievers and working against you.”_

_The Supreme Leader leans forward, suddenly intrigued. “How exactly?”_

_“I have drawn up plans for a device in my lab… it just came to me last night. One half is implanted in the user’s brain and acts as the transmitter, while the other serves as a sort of receiver and is implanted into the brother or sister you wish to control’s neck.”_

_“Stand up and explain in better detail… I want to know exactly how this might work.” The Supreme Leader orders, standing himself and beginning to pace back in forth in front of his throne, his hands clasped together behind his back._

_3087 hurriedly clambers to her feet, staring straight ahead as she robotically recites the schematics of the mind control device. The Supreme Leader listens carefully and without interruption, occasionally nodding his head or humming thoughtfully._

_As she finishes he stops and turns to look at her, holding up his hand. “But is it safe?”_

_“Yes sir.” 3087 reassures. “It merely works to send your will from your body into that of another. While the person under your influence is still completely aware, they have no control over their own actions. It is very safe for use.”_

_“Very well 3087… I am pleased. Get started on this right away. And do not disclose the true nature of it with anyone... not even Developer 34. Do you understand?”_

_“Of course sir. I will not let you down sir.”_

_“Dismissed.”_

Sara returns to consciousness at first aware of nothing but a dull pain; her throat is raw, the muscles of her neck aching sorely. Slowly, voices begin to filter though her consciousness, softly spoken and muted. Her eyes flutter as she wills them to open, and soon the blurry shapes around her come into focus.

She is lying on a bed in a dimly lit corner of a room, a movable privacy curtain making it impossible to see what lies beyond. She tries to sit up but the agony in her neck sparks and flames and she can’t help but fall back against the pillows behind her with a grimace. Suddenly, Ryan is there, flooding her vision with her happy face and shy smile, and the pain melts away into the background.

“Mom!” She cries happily. “You’re finally awake!”

Sara opens her mouth to try to speak, smiling widely, but nothing comes out but a croak that causes her throat to burn angrily. She closes her mouth quickly as her face twists in pain.

Ryan nods sympathetically, taking her mother’s hand in hers. “Shhh. Don’t try to speak yet… you’re throat must be really sore. The doctor said it’s going to be inflamed for awhile but you’re going to be okay. They all say you’re going to be just fine.”

Weakly, Sara turns her daughters hand so that her palm is upwards, managing to trace the letter T onto her palm before looking up hopefully. Ryan’s face falls for a moment before she manages to erect the happy demeanor she was sporting once more. “She’s… ok mom. She’s ok. Try to get some rest, you’ll be able to see her soon I promise.”

Although sensing that she is not being given the entire picture, Sara nods wearily as her eyes slide shut, squeezing her daughter’s hand lightly one last time as she slips off into the dark once more, thoughts of Tegan drifting through her consciousness.

 

When Sara wakes again there is far more commotion, raspy desperate yells invading her sensitive hearing. They sound so familiar… Sara opens her eyes. Although the curtain is still pulled around her cot, Sara can make out flailing shapes just beyond it, the cries growing more and more shrill.

“SARA! I NEED HER! SARA! SARA HELP IT’S SO DARK! NO… NO I WANT SARA! PLEASE NO!”

 _Tegan!_ Sara immediately tries to sit up again, rapidly growing frustrated as the pain shoves her back. _I’m right here Tee!”_ She screams futilely back in her mind, mouthing the words she desperately wishes to speak through dried cracked lips. _Tegan it’s okay! You’re fine I’m right here!_

“Fucking sedate her she going nuts!” A man yells. A loud crash echoes and the curtain separating Sara from her distressed wife is torn away as an IV stand pulls it down as it falls. Sara painfully turns her head, struggling to make out what is going on.

Tegan is tied down to a bed, held down along with the restraints by several harried looking men and women with red crosses on their backs. Doctors? Nurses? A needle flashes and impales the skin of Tegan’s neck where an ugly spattering of bruises already stain her skin. The man with the needle pushes down the side of Tegan’s face so that it is braced facing toward Sara on the bed.

Sara studies her closely, hoping that they can make eye contact so that they can know that the other is okay. But… Tegan’s beautiful brown eyes don’t find Sara’s own. Two ugly crimson orbs float about in their sockets instead, glazed over and unseeing as Tegan screams and begs for her. Sara stares in shock until Tegan jerks to a stop and her pale eyelids close over their gruesome charges.

“Sara?” Suddenly Scott is there, his rough hands on her face as he kneels down beside her. The curtain is pulled back across, separating the two women once more. “When did you wake up?”

Sara just stares at him, shock and horror drifting across her features. Her eyes fill with tears.

“Oh Sara…” Scott mutters, bowing his head. “She’s blind Sare. She can’t see. We tried everything we can but… something in her neck exploded and the fragments cut both of her optical nerves. I’m so sorry. So so sorry….”

Sara shakes her head, trying to clear her throat as some mucous from her nose dribbles down the back of it uncomfortably. It only makes the pain worse, however, and she stops, reaching up to wipe her eyes frustratedly. Scott shushes her, humming softly, but Sara pushes him away. His touch is not what she craves right now… she wants Tegan more than anything. If only she could speak, if only her neck and throat didn’t hurt so badly; then she could walk over and comfort her wife who is now permanently stuck in the dark. God… she can’t even imagine how scared Tegan must be right now. To be touched by people you cannot see, to wake sightless and unknowing.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter. Time to begin to rebuild and return so fluffy angst for all :P

The next time Sara wakes her throat feels scratchy but not nearly as sore as before, her neck muscles aching but in a dull bearable fashion that is nothing more than an echo of the arching pain that had made it nearly impossible to move before. She feels better… the sensation sharp in contrast to the way she’d woken that confusing blur of time previous. She looks around but nobody is in the space with her, her body free from any sensors or IV’s. She thinks about calling out to someone so she can figure out what is going on in more detail but then she remembers…

Tegan.

Suddenly she is out of her stiff cot, pale feet padding cautiously to the faded blue curtain separating her bed from her wife’s. Her neck twinges slightly as she lifts her arm up to pull the fabric to the side but she ignores it, focused on the woman lying on the other side.

Tegan looks nearly as scrawny as she did when she came back home as 3086, lying as still as death. If it wasn’t for the light rise and fall of her chest, Sara would think she really was gone. She takes a stumbling step forward, grateful to find that the restraints have mercifully been removed, and reaches for one of the hands she knows so well, its fingers slightly curled into the palm. That same hand was as strong as iron as it had squeezed the life from her lungs. Sara shivers unconsciously and chooses instead to cup the other woman’s wide familiar jaw; this part of her is safe.

Tegan’s face is peppered with several scabs ranging in size, a line of stitches closing her other cheek. The bruise on her neck has morphed into a dull greenish-black color that looks as though it’s been seeped into her skin. She stirs, her head moving slightly, her lips muttering something too soft to hear, her eyes fluttering as she rocks on the brink of consciousness.

“Tee?” Sara whispers softly, unsure of whether she should remove her hand. She remembers what Scott told her before, the panic on Tegan’s face as she’d fought those trying to help her, but maybe they’ve figured out how to reverse this. She prays that when those eyes open, they’ll be the brown ones she’s gotten lost in time and time again and not the ugly reminder of their ordeal that she’d been faced with in those panicked minutes she saw her last.

Tegan moans, eyes finally blinking open, and Sara hopes hope wilts away as she connect their gazes. The blood that had stained the other woman’s orbs is gone yes, but a swirling murky fog has replaced it. There can be no doubt in her mind now… Tegan is blind.

As if to further this idea Tegan begins to feel around her body, sitting up and cocking her head to the side as she does so. Sara lets out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding and Tegan freezes.

“Who’s there?”

Tears brim in Sara’s eyes as she replies. “It’s Sara, Tegan. I’m here.”

Tegan turns towards the voice, dull eyes wandering about in their sockets, and reaches out. “S-Sare?”

Sara doesn’t even think about Tegan’s hands anymore, stepping forward and pulling her wife into a tight hug, both women sobbing into each other’s hospital gowns.

“I’m right here baby… I’m right here. I’ve got you now.”

Sara sits down on Tegan’s bed, still holding the other woman as she sags against her. She is slightly startled at first when Tegan begins to feel up her arms, palm her chest, trace up her neck, gently caress her nose, ears, lips, but gradually relaxes during the process. Tegan needs this and Sara is only too happy to oblige.

“It really is you…” She breathes, suddenly stiffening and jerking away from the safety of the other woman’s arms and muttering, “How can you be here right now after what I have done to you?”

Sara reaches for Tegan but the other woman nearly falls out of bed trying to avoid her touch so she stops.

“Tegan you and I both know that wasn’t you. I don’t blame you for what happened ok? I don’t.”

“I nearly killed you.”

“But you stopped yourself before you did right? You managed to fight off whatever had its hold on you. You’ve always been strong… you protected me from the force that had your hands, you saved me.”

“No.” Tegan groans. “Don’t try to justify what I did. I can still feel your neck beneath my skin, how I squeezed tighter and tighter. The last thing I can remember seeing is your eyes, wide and frightened, staring up at me. I couldn’t do anything, I was screaming, fighting in my head. That’s all I know. But these hands… these hands caused you harm… I did this. I deserve the fate I’ve been struck with now. I deserve to be unseeing for the crimes I have committed.”

Sara is unsure how to respond so she instead tries once again to reach out to Tegan, and this time she is allowed a hand on the other woman’s leg. A small victory, one she’ll take gladly.

“I know you feel guilty right now, and I don’t blame you because I know that if our roles were reversed I’d feel the same way. You don’t need to accept my forgiveness right away but never forget that I do not blame you for this and I love you more than anything. We’re going to get through this together… I will always be here for you I promise.”

A broken sob breaks from Tegan’s lips as she curls in on herself, defeated. Sara leans back, pulling Tegan with her so that she is cradled against her chest, rubbing her back and humming deep in her chest soothingly. “Listen to my heart Tee. I’m right here… just listen to my heart.”

A nurse pulls aside the curtain separating the beds and seems to deflate in relief. “You should not be out of bed right now Ma’am.”

Tegan stiffens sharply and whimpers, picking her head up at the sound and futilely turning eyes towards it as she tries to hide her sniffling and fear at the intrusion.

“S-Sara who is t-that?”

“A nurse Tegan its fine.” Sara soothes, before looking back up.

“I feel fine. Where is our daughter?”

The nurse shakes her head disapprovingly but she replies. “Ryan is with Scott, and two others at the moment, he managed to drag her away to get something to eat.”

Disappointed, Sara nods her head. “When they get back I want to see her please.”

“Of Course Ms. Quin.”

“Wait one more thing!” Sara calls as the nurse turns to leave. “How long was I asleep since I woke last?”

“Five days… we chose to sedate you since your pain was so bad.”

Sara shakes her head, furious that they would do that when Tegan so obviously needed her, but quickly realizes that the woman before her is nothing but a foot soldier, and allows her to exit without comment.

Slowly, Tegan relaxes back into Sara’s touch, her breathing evening out as she falls back into unconsciousness. Her weight on Sara’s chest makes the other woman certain of one thing. Tegan doesn’t need to be here in this clinical unfamiliar room... they need to go home. Healing won’t happen here for either of them.

She is so tired of the whiteness of this place.


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So so sorry for the wait but I promise you guys I'm back and I've got a new far better functioning computer to work on now!
> 
> Happy New Year to everyone! Seriously, you guys are amazing. The support you've have shown this fic this past year has been beyond humbling for me so thank you! 
> 
> Hope this chapter makes up in content the time you guys had to wait for it. Enjoy!

Tegan has always felt unsafe in the unknowing of the dark. For the Raiders within the Dwelling, it was the time when you were left to face the things you had done, the time when you had seemingly unending moments to ponder the demons inhabiting and surrounding you, the time to chug any liquor you could find to dull the aching pain of uncertainty pounding within your skull.

The one thing that got Tegan through most nights back then was the thought that it wouldn’t truly last forever. Eventually the sun would rise and she would be able to go back to distracting herself with her duties and instincts, those alien things ingrained in her that only make sense when there is a need for them.

Now, however, the night is never-ending. She is… blind. Disabled. Crippled. Useless. A waste of space. No longer needed.

Sara says that they are home, that things can go back to normal now, that they can be a happy family together with Ryan, that Tegan has done what she needed to do and that she is a hero amongst the Outsiders now. The Supreme Leader is dead. She had managed to topple the regime that held her captive for so long.

But Tegan is also 3086, and 3086 doesn’t belong without a purpose. Every stumble, every fall, is just more proof that she can never be who she once was. Sara or Ryan is always there, calmly hooking their arm into hers and keeping slow pace with her nervous shuffling from the living room to the kitchen to the bedroom to sleep at night.

What makes things worse is Sara’s strangeness about Tegan’s hands.

Tegan doesn’t blame her wife when she senses or feels her flinching away from her touch, especially when she isn’t expecting it, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. 3086 has committed the ultimate sin, laying her hands to cause harm on her love like a mindless pawn. She hadn’t been strong enough, hadn’t remembered the mechanism she’d hid inside in time. Buried in the original design of the device, it allowed for both the transmitter and receiver to self-destruct if activated by that whom it controlled. It was pure unadulterated luck that the clone hadn’t caught such a small intrinsic piece within the larger puzzle of the transmitter’s functions. Unless, of course, she’d discovered it after all and chosen to incorporate it anyway. The deterioration of 3087’s mental function had been a gradual nightmare for the creature, slowly warping its views of the individuals around it. In the end, everyone had become the enemy… means to ends only it could conjure.

Still, when Sara turns over and throws an arm carelessly over Tegan’s chest late at night, releasing a soft sigh into her neck, Tegan feels alright. She likes to listen to Sara sleep, her soft snores endearing as they echo softly against the other woman’s now hypersensitive hearing. They keep her grounded, reassuring her of her purpose here now. Sara. Ryan. They are the only reason she clings to what pieces of her life she has left.

 

 

 

 

Several weeks after they’d left the hospital and returned home, Ted and Emy make a visit. Tegan is sitting in the workshop, something she has found herself doing more and more recently. At first, the mere thought of being unable to work on her beloved machinery had made her so upset that she’d considered the only alternative to be taking her own life. Those thoughts did not last long, however, she could never leave Sara and Ryan like that. After several days she’d eventually allowed Sara to guide her in and they’d sat together, Tegan resting her head in Sara’s lap as the other woman gently combed her fingers through her hair, and simply breathed in the scents of machine oil and grease. It’s routine now to sit and ponde what she can no longer have, even if Sara can’t always keep her company.

Tegan can hear the muted voices down the hall growing as Ted and Emy grow closer, wearily picking up her head and turning her drifting eyes futilely towards the source of the noise. Footsteps get louder before stopping, voices fading away. Tegan looks down in shame, cheeks coloring as she feels their stares on her cloudy gaze.

“Tee you hungry?” Sara. Tegan swivels her head towards her and nods, standing up unsteadily and allowing Sara to guide her to a seat at the table in the other room. The others follow wordlessly, chairs scraping as they too take a seat. Sara calls to Ryan for lunch. Emy clears her throat nervously.

“So how’ve you been Tee?” Ted is the first speak.

“I am okay.” Tegan rumbles in reply, her voice gravely from hardly any use. What is there to talk about these days anyway?

“Sara tells me you haven’t really been able to get around that well yet.”

Tegan snorts in disdain. “Gee I wonder why.”

“Tegan.” Sara scolds from the kitchen, but Tegan just shakes her head, annoyance written clearly on her face.

“Well I’ve brought something that might help. I was flipping through one of Sara’s old medical texts that had been saved since everything changed and I happened upon the section that discussed blindness. They said a cane to feel terrain and obstacles would help increase mobility so I went out in the woods yesterday and found a nice thick branch, sawed and sanded it down to size. I think it’ll work well for you. Then at least you won’t be so dependent on the ladies to help you.”

Hesitantly, Tegan reaches out into unfamiliar air, hands making contact with smooth waxed wood. She stands as Sara returns with their food, Ryan’s footsteps in tow, and takes a step forward, checking her path with the cane. It’s clear. She takes another step, and another, and another, till she’s all the way at the end of the hall and then she’s turning around and taking more steps to come back and suddenly this awful wrench in her mobility isn’t so debilitating anymore.

She manages to find Ted, feeling around the table and calling to him. “Thank you… Ted thank you!”

Ted pulls her in tightly, his muscled arms dwarfing Tegan’s tiny stooped figure. She finds herself thankful now more than ever that their friend had managed to escape with Jane once the Supreme Leader had been destroyed, that they hadn’t been hurt in the chaos.

“I’ve got you Tee. You’ve done and been through enough. Let us take care of you now.”

 

 

 

“Sara how long have we been here?” Tegan asks a couple of days later, the both of them lying in bed together. Tegan is pretty certain it is night but she can’t be sure.

“It’s been about four weeks.” Sara replies from where she lies with her head on Tegan’s chest, her ear focusing on the reassuring steadiness of the other woman’s heart.

“Four weeks…” Tegan echoes softly.

Sara picks up her head. “Why do you ask?”

“Because I didn’t know. Time blurs together to the point of incomprehensibility now, especially since I have such a hard time sleeping at night. It felt like so much longer…”

“Unfortunately that is a pretty common effect of blindness Tee. It’s called Non-24-Hour Sleep-Wake Disorder. I found it in one of my old medical books back when we first got home and you began having this problem.”

Tegan takes a sharp breath and tenses, face twisting.

“What?” Sara questions.

“Has everyone read up on how I can no longer be of use or was it just you and Ted?”

“You’re not useless Tegan.” Sara replies sternly.

“I cannot even work on my machines anymore Sara! I’m an engineer, it’s in my blood. My fingers ache to be smeared in grease and bruised by gears and pistons. I am nothing without my ability to build and create. I have so many ideas that I cannot fulfill. It’s slowly driving me mad!”

They are both silent for a moment in the wake of the outburst, Tegan breathing deeply with emotion.

“Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?” Sara asks softly.

“Because you and Ryan are forced to do enough for me… I am so tired of being dependent on others for things now.”

“You’ve got Ted’s cane now, that must help.”

It does.” Tegan acquiesces, "But I still can no longer function properly without my machines. I spent six years as 3086 with a giant hole in my chest I couldn’t figure out how to fill. It’s back again and larger than ever. I don’t know what to do but this is slowly destroying me! As 3086 I did not know better, but as Tegan I do. I need to get back into the workshop, I need to make beauty again.”

Sara thinks for a moment, before her face lights up and she begins to speak more and more rapidly. “What if there was something you could build that could help you? Like a robot of sorts… something like the little spider you built for me all those years ago but bigger. It could be your guide in the shop, your eyes. What do you think?” Sara asks, slowly growing more enthusiastic about her idea. This could work… this really might solve this problem. Pull Tegan back to some semblance of the way things used to be.

Tegan hums deeply in her chest as she ponders the idea, former frustration forgotten in the wake of this conundrum, this spark of hope.

“I… I think that might actually work. I’ll need your help to build it but… I think that might actually work! Sare you’re a genius I love you! I love you so much!

Sara leans down and connects their lips in a passionate hellfire of a kiss before pulling away just enough that their lips barely touch, breathing each other’s breath.

“I told you I’m not giving up on you the day we left the hospital and came home. This is just me fulfilling part of that promise.”

Tegan lifts her head just enough for their lips to connect and then they’re kissing again.


	36. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this has been absolutely amazing to write... and I can't thank you all enough for the huge amount of love and support you've shown this fic! I do have something new in the works that I hope you'll all enjoy as much as this one. Enjoy this domestic fluff!

Jane doesn’t really know what the big deal with her grandparents is all about. They just seem like normal people… if a little weird at times. Of course, she knows why everyone at school wants to be her friend, why her teachers pay her more attention than the others, why the lunch ladies sneak her an extra ice-cream most days for free; Gram and Grandma almost single-handedly killed The Supreme Leader, the guy she and her other classmates just learned about in grade 3 history class. But to her they’re just her grandparents, people who love her and take care of her when her Mom has to work nights at the hospital she runs. She doesn’t think even they know how special they are.

 

 

“Jane I just got called in, grab your stuff and I’ll drop you off at Gram and Grandma’s on the way okay?”

I pick my head up just enough to hear Mom’s voice, shouting an "Okay!" back and jumping up from my desk, quickly gathering together my pajamas, stuffed animal, and a change of clothes for the next day. Meeting mom in the hall, I follow her out to the truck, climbing into the passenger side door after tossing my bag in first. Mom puts the truck in gear and then we’re heading away from town and towards the forest. 

Grandma is waiting outside as we pull in, opening my door for me and grabbing my bag. “What is it this time Ry?" 

“Multi-car accident in the capitol, the night staff are overrun with patients.” Mom replies grimly.

“Okay well… stay safe heading that way okay?” Grandma says, leaning over to give Mom a hug. Then the truck is roaring away and we turn to head into the house.

I say house, but Gram told me that it’s actually an old bunker that dates back to before everything changed. She’d stumbled upon it as a teenager after she’d met Grandma, returning shortly thereafter and fixing it up so they had somewhere to go if the Raiders or the Supreme Government attacked. They don’t like to talk about that time, but I know they needed it a lot.

 

Gram is sitting at the kitchen table when we walk in, the cane that Uncle Ted made her a long time ago leaning nearby, and turns her head towards the sound of our feet, her warm cloudy eyes somehow managing to find my own.

“What’s up kid?” She asks playfully, holding out her arms for a hug. Grandma smiles and sets my stuff down on the counter as I bound forward and am scooped up into her strong arms.

“Hey Gram!” I reply, burrowing my head into her neck for a minute before pulling away as her arms release me.

“What did Ryan say?” Gram asks Grandma, who is busy pulling things out of the fridge for a hasty dinner.

“Big accident at the capitol that her staff couldn’t handle I guess.” Grandma replies, shaking her head. “Honestly doctors these days have no idea how good they have it. If I’dve had half of the equipment they do now back during the war I could’ve saved a lot more lives… a lot more.”

“I know.” Gram rumbles, standing up a bit unsteadily at first before gaining her balance and reaching for her cane, Grandma watching out of the corner of her eye worriedly.

“I’ve got something cool to show you in the workshop. Go drop your stuff off in your room and meet me in there alright?” Gram says, already heading in that direction.

“Be careful!” Grandma yells after me as I bound down the hall to leave my stuff on my bed in mom’s old room before excitedly following the tap-tapping of Gram’s cane to the other end of the bunker where her workshop sits.

She is just opening the door when I skid to a stop beside her, the cat door near the bottom flapping, and follow her inside. The lights flicker on, glinting off all the metal parts and pieces lying in mismatched piles on the floor. Gram leans her cane beside the entrance, calling for Holiday, who bounds forward with a chirruping meow of a hello, rubbing against our legs happily.

 

Holiday is an interesting little creature. She’s a cat that Gram and Grandma built together out of spare parts shortly after the war ended to help Gram find her way around the workshop. She’s become their pet and companion.

“Where is that thing I built for Jane, Holiday?” Gram asks.

“Take three steps forward, a step to your right, and two more steps forward. The gift is sitting on the counter wrapped up and ready to give to her.” Holiday says, running and jumping up to sit beside it, her tail wrapping around her paws.

Gram does exactly as Holiday says, handing me a box, and soon I’m pulling out a little metal cube covered in ornate carvings. “Whoa Gram what is it? I ask, holding it up to the light.

“Tell him to wake up.” Gram says with a smile. I do exactly that and jump in surprise as the box reshapes itself to form a little kitten, tiny enough to fit comfortably in the palm of my hand.

I gasp in awe as the kitten meows softly and sits down on my palm, licking his paw with his tongue. “Gram he’s amazing! Thank you so much!”

Gram laughs, kneeling down beside me, Holiday climbing up the back of her shirt to see as well. “Back when I was first dating your grandmother I gave her a little mechanical spider similar to this little guy here. He’s mainly just a friend to keep you company but he’ll go and get stuff for you if you want. All you have to do is ask.”

“He’s perfect Gram…. Absolutely perfect.”

 

 

 

Later, after dinner, Grandma reads me a chapter of one of Mom’s old books from the chair beside my bed, Gram lying beside me with her arms behind her head and her eyes closed as she too enjoys the story. I feel my own eyes start to get heavy, lulled by Grandma’s calming tone and the weight of Gram’s body beside me. The bed moves as Gram sits up, careful not to disturb my growing unconsciousness, and two sets of lips softly caress my forehead. Then, Grandma’s arm hooked to Grams, they head down to their own room to sleep, leaving my door open a crack so that some light from the hall spills inside.

My kitten, Mickey, snores softly from where he is laying on my chest. I caress his smooth metal head and drift away completely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again guys <3


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